The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[mtv]

Doctors were asked if we should reopen the country. Here's what the experts said:

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!”

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter.”

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Canberra.

[enf]

[lsemmens]

HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began.

[enf]

[alpha0ne]

[hazman]

[hazman]

[hazman]

[enf]

[hazman]

[hazman]

[enf]

[enf]

[lsemmens]

Problem is, Enf, in "the land of the Free", that isn't a joke!!!

[enf]

Problem is, Enf, in "the land of the Free", that isn't a joke!!!

Neither is your comment mate. Please keep them out of this thread..............

[enf]

[enf]

As an astrophysicist I can assure you black matter lives.

[hinekadon]

Back in time
An Important Hebrew Lesson:
Written across the wall of the cave were the following symbols:



It was considered a unique find and the writings were said to be at least 3,000 years old! The piece of stone was removed, brought to the museum, and archaeologists from around the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss the meaning of the markings. The president of the society pointed to first drawing and said:



"This is a woman. We can see these people held women in high esteem.



You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol is a donkey, so they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil.



The next drawing is a shovel, which means they had tools to help them.



Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish which means that during a famine, they seek food from the sea.



The last symbol appears to be the Star of David which means they were evidently Hebrews." The audience applauded enthusiastically.



Then an old Jewish man stood up in the back of the room and said,



"Idiots... Hebrew is read from right to left... It says: 'Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that chick".

[enf]

To the arsehole in the wheelchair who stole my camouflage jacket.....

You can hide, but you can't run.

[enf]