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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #9361
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    1. BAME people are at a greater risk of dying from Covid.
    2. Large congregations of people increase the risk of Covid transmission.
    3. Thousands attend Black Lives Matter protests.

    Darwin at work?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Walking on the grass


    The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

    The Instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial - it strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

    Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surfaces, like a grass path.

    "Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her.

    In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

    The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name Trump, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

    "Yes?" said the Instructor.

    "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag?

    Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?


    (THIS LEVEL OF SENSITIVITY CAN'T BE TAUGHT)
    Last edited by hinekadon; 07-06-20 at 11:18 AM. Reason: more
    are you a self appointed hypocrite sheriff or just a nasty person

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    One brother was very mischievous, always getting into trouble. The other brother, however, was very good. He was always kind to animals, helped elderly neighbours, and led an exemplary life......



    As time went on, the brothers stayed intouch but were never close.




    The evil brother became a heavy drinker and a womanizer.




    The other brother was a devoted husband and father and
    supported many charities

    One day the evil brother died.




    Then, after afew years, the good brother passed away.


    He went to heaven and was rewarded with a happy after life.
    One day he went to God and asked, "Where is my brother?
    He died before me, but I have not seen him here in heaven.."
    God replied, "As you know, your brother led an evil life,
    so he is not spending eternity here in heaven.
    He has been sent elsewhere ."
    I'm sorry to hear that", the good brother replied.
    "But I do miss him and wish I could see him again. "You can see him if you wish",
    God said "I will give you power to gaze into hell."

    So the power was granted and the good
    brother gazed into hell. Before long he saw his brother sitting on a bench.


    In one arm he held a keg of beer, and in the other he cradled a gorgeous young blonde.

    The good brother turned to God and said,
    "I can't believe what I'm seeing. I have found my brother, and he has a keg of beer in one arm and a beautiful woman in the other.




    Surely, hell can not be that bad?"

    God explained.
    "Things are not always as they seem, my son.

    The keg has a hole in it.

    The blonde doesn't..
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A man joined a very exclusive nudist colony.
    On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area.
    A gorgeous petite blonde walked by, and the man immediately got an erection.
    The woman noticed his erection, came over to him and asked, 'did you call for me?'
    The man replied, 'No, what do you mean?'
    She said, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here
    that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
    Smiling, she led him to the side of the swimming pool, laid down on a towel
    eagerly pulled him to her and happily let him have his way with her
    Later, the man continued to explore the colony's facilities.
    He entered the sauna and as he sat down, he farted.
    Within seconds a huge, hairy man lumbered out of the steam room toward him.
    'Did you call for me?' asked the hairy man.
    'No, what do you mean?' replied the newcomer.
    'You must be new.' answered the hairy man,
    'It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.'
    The huge man easily spun him around, put him over a bench
    and had his way with the newcomer.
    The newcomer staggered back to the colony office where he was greeted by a smiling,
    naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she asked.
    'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back
    and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
    'But, Sir,' she replied, 'you've only been here a few hours. You haven't had a chance to see all our facilities.'
    'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a week,
    but I fart 5 times a day.
    I'm outta here.'
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that
    the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she
    needs to file her taxes.
    The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few
    questions."
    He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"
    "I'm a prostitute," she says.
    The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase
    that."
    The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work.
    Try again."
    They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry
    farmer."
    The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a
    prostitute?"
    "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
    "Poultry Farmer it is."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    MARKETING


    This will clear up any confusion ...
    You're a woman and you see a handsome man at a party.
    You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Direct Marketing.

    You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome man.
    One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, "She's fantastic in bed."
    That's Advertising..

    You see a handsome man at a party.
    You go up to him and get his telephone number.
    The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Telemarketing.

    You see a man at a party, you straighten your dress.
    You walk up to him and pour him a drink.
    You say, "May I," and reach up to straighten his tie, brushing your breast lightly against his arm...
    And then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed."
    That's Public Relations.

    You're at a party and see a handsome man.
    He walks up to you and says, I hear you're fantastic in bed."
    That's Brand Recognition.

    You're at a party and see a handsome man.
    He fancies you, but you talk him into going home with your friend.
    That's a Sales Rep.

    Your friend can't satisfy him so she calls you.
    That's Tech Support.

    You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome
    men in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of
    one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, "I'm fantastic in bed!"
    That's Junk Mail.

    I hope you all have a complete understanding of Marketing now
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!!!"

    One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town!!!!!
    20 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardiac disease! All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform...... Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful......

    When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died!
    The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment so he could plug in hisvacuum!!!!!

    Don't tell me you thought that Hameed became a f...... doctor ?
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A man doing market research for the Vaseline Company knocked at the
    door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
    "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"
    She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."
    "If you don't mind my asking," he said, "what do you use it for?"
    "We use it for sex," she said.
    The researcher was a little taken aback.
    "Usually people lie to me and say they use it on a child's bicycle
    chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most
    people do use it for sex.
    I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been so frank so far, can
    you tell me exactly HOW you use it for sex?"
    The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put
    it on the doorknob .................................................. .............................









    and it keeps the kids out."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The reason there are so many Irish jokes is because the Irish have a quaint way with words.


    Like the Irish patient who hobbled into the Surgery waiting room.
    "I hope to God the doctor finds something wrong with me because I'd hate to feel like this if I was well!"


    Murphy dropped dead the moment he arrived home from a vacation in the tropics.
    He was laid out in the coffin for friends and neighbours to pay their last respects.
    "He's got a great tan," Mrs Doolan from next door mused. "The holiday did him the world of good."
    "And he looks so calm and serene," said Mrs McGuiness.
    "That's because he died in his sleep." explained Mrs Murphy, "and he doesn’t know he's dead yet, but when he wakes up, the shock will kill him!"



    "Your glass is empty O'Flaherty, will you be having another?"
    "And why would I be wanting two empty glasses?" replied O'Flaherty.


    Murphy arrived home late from the pub, well oiled and ready for trouble.
    "Is that you Murphy?" called his wife.
    "Byjasis! It damned well better be!"


    Two tough union men were working on a building site when Murphy fell from the second floor scaffolding.
    "Are ya dead?" cried Gallagher from above.
    "To be sure I am," replied Murphy.
    "You are such a liar Murphy that I don't know whether to believe you or not!" Called Gallagher.
    "That proves I'm dead," said Murphy's voice from the rubble below,”because if I was alive you wouldn't be game to call me a liar!"


    Dublin's contestant in an international quiz was waiting for his first question.
    "First, what's your name and occupation?" The compere asked.
    "Pass", came the reply.


    Paddy and Shamus were hitchhiking.
    "It's best if we split up," said Paddy. "I will meet you in the next city under the town hall clock".
    Later that night Shamus was waiting at the appointed place when Paddy drove up in a swank car.
    "Where the hell did you get that?"
    Paddy explained that he had just walked a little way when a beautiful woman picked him up. She drove into the woods, got out and took all her clothes off.
    "She said I could have anything I wanted, so I took the car," said Paddy.
    "Good choice too," said Shamus. "You'd look ridiculous in her clothes."



    PADDY.. "If you can guess how many chooks I have in my bag, you can have both of them." "Three," Suggested Shaun.


    Paddy was coming through the customs at the airport carrying a large bottle.
    "What have you there?" said a suspicious customs officer.
    "T’is Lourdes holy water. I am bringing it home with me", said Paddy.
    The officer took the bottle and tried some. “Why it's Irish whiskey, he spluttered.
    "Lord bless me,” said Paddy, "another bloomin` miracle."

    On his way home one night, Paddy dropped into the pub.
    The barman poured him a beer and asked if he wanted to be in a raffle.
    "What's it for?" asked Paddy.
    "It's for a poor widow with 13 kids." said the barman.
    Paddy shook his head, "No good for me. I'd never be able to keep them."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

    "I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
    Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed.

    The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell.
    "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

    The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
    "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump.

    The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

    Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

    The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"🤪🤪😂😂😂
    are you a self appointed hypocrite sheriff or just a nasty person

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    Leftie ABC overpaid wankers with a guaranteed income about 10 days ago: "They want us to go back to work so the rich get richer. It isn't safe, COVID-19 is a killer!!"


    Leftie ABC overpaid wankers last weekend: "Of course I can go and protest without social distancing, COVID-19 doesn't spread that easily..."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Linux serenity 4.19.104-microsoft-standard #1 SMP Wed Feb 19 06:37:35 UTC 2020 x86_64 x86_64 x86_64 GNU/Linux

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