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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Default Brothers

    There were 2 brothers that shared a room. One was 18 and the other was 8. The
    18 year old brought home his girlfriend at midnight. The little brother was
    sleeping so they climbed quietly to the top bunk. Things started getting hot and
    heavy so the guy told his girlfriend if she wants a new position to say
    "lettuce" and if she wants him to stop say "tomatoes". So she started saying
    "lettuce, tomatoes, lettuce, tomatoes.... take it out I don't want to get
    pregnant." The little boy woke up and screamed, "Stop making sandwiches up
    their, your getting mayonaise all over my face!"

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    Default

    Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.
    Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.'

    The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.
    When I feel like this, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex.
    That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'

    Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
    'I do what you say and I feel great.
    I be at work soon......... You got nice house.

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    Default Newly Weds

    A guy out on the golf course took a high-speed ball right to the nuts. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. When he finally got himself to the doctor, he asked,“How bad is it, Doc? I’m going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancé is still a virgin.”

    The doctor said, “I’ll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay in about two weeks.” Then the doctor took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

    The guy mentioned none of this to his girl and the two got married. On their honeymoon night, she opened her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts and told him, “You’ll be the first; no one has ever touched these before.”

    The new bridegroom dropped his pants and said, “Look at this — it’s still in the crate!”

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    Default Hospital

    A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.
    “Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon. “I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

    “What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

    “Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

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    Default Hand-Me-Down

    A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and the talk turns to their adventures. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook, and an eye patch. "How did you end up with the peg leg?" he asks.
    The pirate replies, "I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. As my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."

    "Wow!" says the seaman. "What about your hook?"

    "Well," answers the pirate, "we were boarding a ship when one of the enemy hacked off my hand."

    "Incredible!" says the seaman. "How’d you get the eye patch?"

    "A sea gull shit in my eye," the pirate replies.

    "You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the seaman asks.

    "Well," says the pirate, "it was my first day with the hook."

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    Default Power of Deduction

    Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
    Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

    Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."

    "What does that tell you?"

    Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

    Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."

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    Default Tattoo

    A lady goes into a tattoo parlor and asks the artist to tattoo a picture of Robert Redford on her right upper thigh and a picture of Paul Newman on her left upper thigh.

    The artist does so, and when he finishes hands her a mirror so she can inspect the work.

    She looks at the left thigh and says, "Wow! That’s definitely Paul Newman. Just look at those blue eyes." Then she looks at the right thigh and complains, "That doesn’t look like Robert Redford."

    The artist disagrees and says they need to find an impartial judge.

    They go to the bar next door and ask the first guy they meet to identify the tattoos. She raises her skirt and drops her panties, and he gets his face up close and says, "Well, ma’am, the one on your left thigh is definitely Paul Newman. He even has the blue eyes. The one on your right I’m not sure about—but the one in the middle is definitely Willie Nelson."

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    Default The Last O.J Joke

    A man is stopped in heavy traffic in Los Angeles and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. We’re not even moving."

    Noticing a police officer walking down the highway between the cars, the man rolls down his window and says, "Excuse me, officer…what’s the holdup?"

    "It’s O.J. Simpson," says the cop. "He’s all depressed. He’s lying down in the middle of the highway and threatening to douse himself in gasoline and light himself on fire, because he doesn’t have $8.5 million dollars for the Goldmans. I’m walking around taking up a collection for him."

    The man says, "A collection, huh? How much have you got so far?"

    "So far…ten gallons."

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    Default Top Ten Country & Western Songs of 2007

    Top Ten Country & Western Songs of 2007

    10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.

    9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With a
    Few.

    8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me.

    7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'.

    6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win.

    5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here.

    4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.

    3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.

    2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.

    And the Number One Country & Western song is...

    1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass Out All Day
    Long.

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    Default Prince Charles & The Hooker

    Prince Charles decided to take up jogging. Every day, he'd jog past a
    hooker
    standing on the same street corner. He learned to brace himself as he
    approached her for what was almost certain to follow.

    'One hundred and fifty pounds!' she'd shout from the curb.

    'No! Five pounds!' He would fire back, just to shut her up.

    This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. He'd run
    by and she'd yell, 'One hundred and Fifty Pounds!' He'd yell back, 'Five
    pounds!'

    One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany Charles on his jog.
    As
    the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner, Prince Charles
    realized she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd
    really
    been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good
    explanation for his wife.

    As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he
    became
    even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there was the hooker.

    He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
    Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled, 'See what you get for five
    pounds,
    you tight bastard!!!!

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    Default The Voice

    A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

    The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

    But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

    Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

    The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

    He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

    The man does as he is told.

    When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

    Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

    "Now watch," says the voice.

    The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

    Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

    The voice says, "Oh Shit."

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    Default Black Trackers They Ain’t

    Three blondes were walking in the bush one day. They saw a set of tracks and started arguing over what kind of tracks they were.

    The first blonde said, "I think they’re sheep tracks!"

    The second blonde said, "I think they’re dog tracks!"

    The third blonde said, "Well, I think they’re cow tracks!"

    They were still arguing when the train hit them.

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    Default He’s Crafty

    Leaving the poker party, late as usual, two friends compared notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first complained. "I turn off the car’s engine and coast into the garage, take off my shoes, sneak upstairs, and undress in the bathroom. But she always wakes up and yells at me for being out so late and leaving her alone."

    "You’ve got the wrong technique, my friend," his mate replied. "I roar into the garage, slam the door, stomp up the steps, rub my hand on my wife’s ass, and ask, ’How ’bout a little?’ and she pretends to be asleep."

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    Default A little bit of History

    After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, British scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the UK newspapers read: "British archaeologists have found traces of 200 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots."
    One week later, "The Kerryman," a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O'Droll, a self taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Ireland had already gone wireless."

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    Default It’s a Great Time to Be Silver!

    Once upon a time there was an elderly gentleman suffering from Alzheimer’s. His wife of 40 years loved him very much, but she couldn’t handle him any longer. He would wander about, never knowing where he was or, sometimes, even who he was. She decided to take him to a nursing home.

    At the nursing home, while the wife was filling out paperwork, a nurse had the gentleman sit in a chair. Suddenly the man started slowly leaning to his left. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his left side to prop him up. A few minutes later, he started leaning to his right. The nurse ran over and put a pillow on his right side. Then he started leaning forward. This time the nurse strapped him into the chair.

    After completing the paperwork, his wife walked up to him and asked, "So are you sure this place is okay?"

    "It’s okay," he said, "but why won’t they let me fart?"

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    Default Fatal Attraction

    A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead. Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun. But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

    The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

    "Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

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    Default Slashing the budget

    A young executive is leaving the office late one evening when he finds the CEO standing in front of the shredder with a piece of paper in her hand.

    "Listen," says the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

    "Certainly," says the young executive. He turns the machine on, puts the paper in, and hits the start button.

    "Thanks." says the CEO as her paper disappears inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

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    Default Croc

    A bloke walks into a pub with his pet crocodile, puts the croc up on the bar, and faces the patrons. "If I open this croc’s mouth and place my manhood inside, it there for five minutes, then remove my unit unscathed, will each of you buy me a drink?"

    The crowd murmurs its approval, so he gets up on the bar, drops his pants, and places his little general in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc then closes its mouth as the crowd gasps.

    After five minutes, the man grabs a beer bottle and bashes the croc hard on the top of its head. The croc opens its mouth and the man removes his old fellow—unscathed, as promised. The crowd cheers, and the first of his free drinks is delivered.

    "Anyone else have the guts to give it a try?" the man dares the crowd.

    After a few seconds, a old scrubber timidly speaks up. "I’ll do it, but don't hit me that hard."

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    Default Rubber Check

    A man walks into a chemist shop and asks the pharmacist for a pack of condoms. Paying for them, he bursts into laughter and walks out of the store. The next day he comes in again, again buys condoms, and again walks out laughing. Thinking this is somewhat strange, the pharmacist asks his assistant to follow the man if he comes back. Sure enough, the man comes in the next day and walks out laughing. This time the assistant goes after him, returning 20 minutes later.

    "So did you follow him?" asks the pharmacist.

    "Yup."

    "Where did he go?"

    "Your house."

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    Default

    A guy goes down for breakfast and it is quite obvious that his wife has the hump with him. He asks what is the matter. She replies, "Last night you were talking in your sleep and I want to know who Linda is?" Thinking quickly on his feet he tells her that Linda was 'Lucky Linda' and was actually a name of a horse that he bet on that day and won £40. She seemed quite happy with the explanation and he went off to work. When he got home that night, his wife had the hump with him again. asing her what the matter was now, she replied "Your horse phoned."
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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