Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Before my surgery, the anaesthiologist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
    It was an ether/oar situation.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.



    As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about , “What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.” And on and on and on.



    Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.



    While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally, realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.



    As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. “They're not hanging Wright tonight,” she said.



    He whirled around and screamed, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?”

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Two old Yorkshiremen, Ted and Frank, have been mates for as long as either can remember.
    They are now both in their nineties and throughout their friendship they have shared a love of
    cricket, both as players in their youth and now as devoted spectators. One day while they are
    sitting at Headingley watching a county game, Ted turns to Frank and says, “You know Frank, me
    and thee have been friends for more than eighty years and we’ve enjoyed our cricket all that time.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Well,” Ted continues, “we’ve both had a decent innings and are now getting towards the point
    where we’ve got to carry our bat for the last dignified walk back to the pavilion.”
    “Aye,” replies Frank.
    “Do you think they have cricket in Heaven?” asks Ted.
    Frank says: “I don’t know, lad. But if one of us takes the walk to the pavilion before the other,
    let’s promise that if it’s at all possible, we will come back and let the other know.”
    “Sounds good to me,” says Frank.
    A couple of months later Ted gets ill and unfortunately a few days later takes the long walk back
    to the pavilion. About a week after Ted dies, Frank is asleep in bed and is woken by a voice he
    recognizes as his old deceased mate.
    Franks says: “Ted, is it thee?”
    “Aye,” says Ted. “We agreed that the first one would come back and let the other know if there
    was cricket in Heaven.”
    Frank answers, “Aye.”
    “Well,” says Ted, “there is some good news and some bad news, which would you like first?”
    Frank considers his options for a moment. “I’ll have the good news first, please.”
    So Ted starts with the good news. “There is test match cricket in Heaven and the weather is
    always a warm summer afternoon. All of our old friends are here and you have the strength and
    vitality of your youth so that you can bat and bowl all day without getting tried. And Frank, the
    afternoon teas are to die for.”
    “That’s great,” says Frank, “but, what’s the bad news then?”
    Ted replies: “You’re opening the batting for us next Monday.”

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • 05-03-21, 01:52 PM

    Reason
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    I never thought I'd be the kind of person who'd run 5 kilometers a day before I've even had breakfast.

    Turns out I was right.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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