The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[Fernbay]

[xnavyman]

Paddy is planning to marry, he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin. His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a DIY Virginity Test Kit - a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel." Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?" The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue. If she says, 'That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see', you hit her with the shovel."
--
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trydixagain.
--
A young man picks up a streetwalker and goes to her hotel. After negotiating the price for her time he decides that he wants to begin his experience by going down on her. After a few moments he comes up and spits out a piece of potato. He shrugs and dives back in as he is too horny to care. Again he pops up and this time spits out a chunk of roast beef and a bit of carrot. This too much for him. "WTF!" he cried, "Are you sick?" "No, I'm not sick." she replied, "But my last customer was!"
--
A girl sat sobbing in the police station. "I was raped by an Idiot!!" she wailed. "How do you know he was an Idiot?" the detective asked. "I had to help him!" the girl replied.

[xnavyman]

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing a gale, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...

[xnavyman]

My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's how the fight started ...

[oyama]

19 year old Guy Took out a VY HSV Clubsport for a test drive from Bundoora
Holden in Victoria. On the drive back to the dealer he gave a little too much
gas around the last corner before the Dealership, lost control of the car,
mounted the curb and flew 10 mtrs over the gate into the front yard of the
dealership. Lets just say they are reassessing the rules of test drives from
now on........

[xnavyman]

ROFLMFAO

He sure must have given it some stick to end up where he did.

The insurance company would be trmbling a bit because some of them cars will have to be written off.

[xnavyman]

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.

"What's the matter?!? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked. "It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled 'what perfect headlights'. Then you felt my thighs and murmured 'what a smooth finish'".

"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver. "Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, who the hell left the garage door open!?"

[xnavyman]

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too'

And that's how the fight started ...

[xnavyman]

Antenna Sex
This guy pulls up in his customized Chevy van, parks, walks into a singles bar. A while later he comes out with this voluptuous woman. They drive up to lookout point, park the van and climb into the back. After some preliminary foolin' around, the young lady says: "Go break the aerial off your van and bring it back and whip me with it."

At first, the guy refuses. But eventually he gives in to her pleading and goes and breaks the aerial off. He comes back and proceeds to whip her with it. She moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has multiple earth shattering . . . She rests for a while then says: "Now I'll whip you with it."

At first, he refuses, but soon gives in to her cooing and pleading. She grabs the aerial and slaps him with it while she moans and groans, and writhes and wriggles and has yet another series of earth shattering . . . while raising a few welts on this dude.

This 'ol boy is about tuckered out for one night, so he takes the bombshell home. When he wakes up the next morning, he don't feel too good. Then, for the next couple of days, he feels really bad. Finally, he's feeling sooooo bad that he checks into a hospital. The doctor comes in, pulls back the sheet, shakes his head, and says: "Young man, you should have seen a physician immediately."

The doctor then turns to the nurse and declares:

"THAT'S THE WORST CASE OF VAN AERIAL DISEASE I'VE SEEN IN YEARS..."

[pheggie]

An Italian, a Scotsman and a Chinese man, are hired at a Construction site.

The foreman points out a huge pile of sand.

He says to the Italian guy, 'You're in charge of sweeping.'

To the Scotsman he says, 'You're in charge of shovelling.'

And to the Chinese guy, 'You're in charge of supplies.'

He then says, 'Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you men to make a dent in that pile of sand.'

So when the foreman returns after being away for a couple of hours the pile of sand is untouched.

He asks the Italian, 'Why didn't you sweep any of it?'

The Italian replies, 'I no hava no broom. You saida to the Chinesea fella that he a wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.'

Then the foreman turns to the Scotsman and says 'And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.'

The Scotsman replies, 'Aye, that ye did laddie, boot ah could nae get meself a shoovel. Ye left th' Chinese gadgie in chairge of supplies, boot ah couldna fin' him neither.'

The foreman is really angry now… He storms off toward the pile of sand to look for the Chinese gent…







Just then, the Chinese man leaps out from behind the pile of sand and yells, 'SUPPLIES!!!!

[pheggie]

Another Problem with Deforestation.

[bambbbam]

Very funny, quick sales pitch for a Windows 3.1 training system.

[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rnkqmTmO_uc]YouTube - Windows 3.1 Training: The Future of Computing[/ame]

[xnavyman]

I am so grateful that 3.1 no longer exists.

Altho' sometimes I think that some of the OS around have reverted to 3.1.

[xnavyman]

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah,' I said, 'she can order for herself.'

And that's how the fight started ...

[mango]

I'm living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment.
They have 3 little kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard.
I'm just writing to you while the kettle boils!


I've caught a stray parrot in my garden.
All he says is “good morning you ugly ####”
It's not yours is it?


I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
####, did I give her a mouthful.


Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind.
I'm ####ing worried now that some of my mates could be coons.
If you are, can you delete my number? Ta


A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital.
Nurse tells him to bath a newborn aboriginal baby.
She goes to check on him and he's swishing the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick.
"You don't bath a baby like that she said.
He replied, "You do when the water's this ####ing hot!"


Husband says to his wife "do you fancy playing a rape game?"
Wife says "no".
Husband replies "that's the spirit!"


There's a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market:
Trycoxagane.


I failed my biology exam today.
I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells.
Apparently, Aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer

[xnavyman]

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And that's how the fight started .....

[bambbbam]

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"Only when he's been drinking."

[xnavyman]

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together and they were getting a little testy.

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves. Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire."

The second friend agrees and hikes south. The first man hikes north.

That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream. The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?"

The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon. Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, I came back to camp."

"Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"

"Nah," says the second friend over his meal, "I couldn't find her head."

[xnavyman]

These are absentee notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools all over South Africa .




1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.

2. Please excuse Promise for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

3. Dear School : Please ekscuse Sipho being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.

4. Please excuse Glorious from Jim today. She is administrating.

5. Please excuse Blessing from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.

6. Edwed has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face..

7. Moses was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.

8. Millicentia could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.

9. Philemon will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side

10. Please excuse Justice Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

11. Please excuse Khanyile from being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe) the shits.

12. Please excuse Thomaas for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.

13. Petros was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.

14. Please excuse Reginald for being. It was his father's fault.

15. I kept Beauty home because she was to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what size she wear.

16. Please ekxcuse Wiseman for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off verunda, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.

17. Sihle won't be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.

18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.

19. Please excuse Johnwood for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.

20.Please excuse Good Fortune for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.

22. Please excuse Bhoniswa , she has been sick and under the doctor.

23. Winnie was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

24. Please excuse my little Mavundla for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

[crazy]

Engineers' Terminologies
1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED
We are still pissing in the wind.

2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM
We just hired three kids fresh out of college.

3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION
We know who to blame.

4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH
It works OK, but looks very hitech.

5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED
We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.

6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE
The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch

7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING
We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.

8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED
The only person who understood the thing quit.

9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS
It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.

10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT
Forget it! We have enough problems for now.

11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL
Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.

12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING
We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.

13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION
I can't wait to hear this bull!

14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS
Come into my office, I'm lonely.

15. ALL NEW
Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.

16. RUGGED
Too damn heavy to lift!

17. LIGHTWEIGHT
Lighter than RUGGED.

18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT
One finally worked.

19. ENERGY SAVING
Achieved when the power switch is off.

20. LOW MAINTENANCE
Impossible to fix if broken.