The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[SS Dave]

[enf]

[hazman]

[lsemmens]

[lsemmens]

[lsemmens]

[lsemmens]

[enf]

My son was very upset because he'd broken two fingers on his right hand and couldn't hold a plectrum.

So I broke two on his left hand so he wouldn't fret.

[enf]

[SS Dave]

If Ikea sold water.

[SS Dave]

[SS Dave]

[enf]

[enf]

Interviewer: "So you don't object to us contacting your previous employer just to make sure you're going to fit in here?"

Me: "No, not at all. As long as I can speak to your previous employees so I can find out why they left."

[enf]

[SS Dave]

[SS Dave]

A drunk goes into a bar. "Drinks for everyone, and one for you too." he says to the bartender. The bartender serves everyone, including himself. "That'll be fifty dollars, please." I don't have any money." says the drunk. The bartender takes him outside and beats him up.
The next day the drunk comes back. "Drinks for everyone, including the bartender." The bartender thinks to himself, he wouldn't be so stupid to do the same thing again - he must have money this time, so he serves the drinks. But when he asks him to pay, the drunk tells him that he doesn't have any money again. The bartender takes him outside and gives him a savage beating.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and tells the bartender to get a drink for everyone. "And not one for me tonight?" asks the bartender. "Nah," says the drunk. "You get violent when you drink."

[hinekadon]

NORMAL?
I used to be a normal person. Yes, I reckon that's a fair description of me. [as an individual, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person but I was born pinkish/white, into a two-parent, two gender household which now, whether I like it or not, theoretically makes me "Privileged", a racist and responsible for slavery.
I am fiscally responsible and moral, which by today's standards theoretically makes me a fascist because I plan, budget and support myself.
I went to school, worked my way “up the ladder” and have always held a job. But, I now find out that I am not here because I earned it but theoretically because I was "advantaged”.
I am heterosexual, which according to some folks now makes me theoretically homophobic.
I am older than 59 making me theoretically a useless person who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
I think and I reason and I doubt much of what the "mainstream" media tells me, which makes me theoretically a "Right-wing conspiracy nut”.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me theoretically a colonialist and racist.
I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today theoretically makes me anti-socialist and probably theoretically a misogynist,. If I were a female it would theoretically makes me discriminated against based on my gender.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort, not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me theoretically a borderline sociopath.
Please theoretically help me come to terms with the theoretical new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore, or let’s ignore this THEORETICAL labelling as just some people’s theories and NOT FACT and be TRUE TO OURSELVES. YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK YOUR MIND REGARDLESS but not out loud!!!!

[lsemmens]

NORMAL?
I used to be a normal person. Yes, I reckon that's a fair description of me. [as an individual, I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person but I was born pinkish/white, into a two-parent, two gender household which now, whether I like it or not, theoretically makes me "Privileged", a racist and responsible for slavery.
I am fiscally responsible and moral, which by today's standards theoretically makes me a fascist because I plan, budget and support myself.
I went to school, worked my way “up the ladder” and have always held a job. But, I now find out that I am not here because I earned it but theoretically because I was "advantaged”.
I am heterosexual, which according to some folks now makes me theoretically homophobic.
I am older than 59 making me theoretically a useless person who doesn't understand Facebook, Instagram or Twitter.
I think and I reason and I doubt much of what the "mainstream" media tells me, which makes me theoretically a "Right-wing conspiracy nut”.
I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me theoretically a colonialist and racist.
I believe in hard work, fair play and fair compensation according to each individual's merits, which today theoretically makes me anti-socialist and probably theoretically a misogynist,. If I were a female it would theoretically makes me discriminated against based on my gender.
I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort, not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me theoretically a borderline sociopath.
Please theoretically help me come to terms with the theoretical new me because I'm just not sure who I am anymore, or let’s ignore this THEORETICAL labelling as just some people’s theories and NOT FACT and be TRUE TO OURSELVES. YOU DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SPEAK YOUR MIND REGARDLESS but not out loud!!!!

Problem is, this is not a joke!

[enf]