Page 52 of 635 FirstFirst ... 2424344454647484950515253545556575859606162102152552 ... LastLast
Results 1,021 to 1,040 of 12694

Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #1021
    Junior Member
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    102
    Thanks
    14
    Thanked 9 Times in 6 Posts
    Rep Power
    202
    Reputation
    55

    Default

    is running a caption contest for everybody's favourite friend. I particularly like this entry.




  • #1022
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default

    British Al Qaeda on Strike


    Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement

    The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 16.6% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

    The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

    Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.

    Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

    Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England, Ireland, Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway".

    Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like that they are not so keen on going to paradise.


    Cheers
    enf
    Last edited by enf; 06-04-10 at 08:16 AM.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    crazy (06-04-10),Don Benosee (07-04-10),Grudge (12-04-10)

  • #1023
    Senior Member
    fromaron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    2,133
    Thanks
    268
    Thanked 732 Times in 387 Posts
    Rep Power
    543
    Reputation
    13794

    Default Sex with illegal immigrant

    An illegal immigrant picks up a hooker. "Hey, how much you charge for da hour, sister?" he asks.
    "$100," she replies.
    In broken English, he says, "Do you do immigrant style?"
    "No" she says.
    "I pay you $200 to do immigrant style."
    "No," she says, not knowing what immigrant style is.
    "I pay you $300."
    "No," she says.
    "I pay you $400."
    "No," she says.
    So finally he says, "OK, I pay $1,000 to do immigrant style."

    She thinks, "Well, I've been in the game for over 10 years now. I've had every kind of request from weirdoes from every part of the world. How bad could immigrant style be?"
    So she agrees and has sex with him. Finally, after several hours, they finish. Exhausted, the hooker turns to him and says, "Hey, I was expecting something perverted and disgusting. But that was good. So, what exactly is immigrant style?"
    The illegal immigrant replies, "You send bill to Government."

  • The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to fromaron For This Useful Post:

    enf (06-04-10),Grudge (12-04-10)

  • #1024
    Senior Member
    bambbbam's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2008
    Location
    Republic of Westralia
    Posts
    1,973
    Thanks
    369
    Thanked 715 Times in 340 Posts
    Rep Power
    319
    Reputation
    3222

    Default

    * Bill Paxton is the only actor to be killed by Alien, a Terminator, and the Predator.

  • #1025
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    Why you don't play golf with your wife................

    A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club.

    He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway.

    Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine."

    The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball.

    He found it just in time, but in a horrible position. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

    His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

    Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker.

    He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole".

    To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1026
    Senior Member oyama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    SA
    Age
    58
    Posts
    662
    Thanks
    305
    Thanked 286 Times in 85 Posts
    Rep Power
    247
    Reputation
    1399

    Default

    SIGHTING: Aboriginal Sponge Bob Square Pants - Spotted in Cairns


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to oyama For This Useful Post:

    bambbbam (07-04-10),bigfella08 (08-04-10),enf (09-04-10),MattBnet (13-11-11),Svenok (07-04-10),xnavyman (07-04-10)

  • #1027
    Senior Member
    Arbiter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,408
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked 675 Times in 369 Posts
    Rep Power
    295
    Reputation
    3039

    Default

    You sure that ain't abZorba the Greek from Melbourne?

  • #1028
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's
    A 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.
    So she peels it off and starts screaming,

    'I've won a motor home!

    I've won a motor home!'

    The waitress says, 'That's impossible.
    The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

    But the blonde keeps on screaming,

    'I've won a motor home!

    I've won a motor home!'

    Finally, the manager comes over and says,
    'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.
    You couldn't have possibly won a motor home
    Because we didn't have that as a prize.

    The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.
    I've won a motor home!'
    And she hands the ticket to the
    Manager and HE reads...
    (YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS !!!!!! . I PROMISE !)



    'W I N A B A G E L'
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1029
    Senior Member
    bigfella08's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,962
    Thanks
    1,791
    Thanked 771 Times in 340 Posts
    Rep Power
    333
    Reputation
    3732

    Default

    I’m sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations. Just had one from the sperm bank. F**k, did I give her a mouthful.


    I’m living next door to an aboriginal couple at the moment. They have 3 little kids and they’ve challenged me to a water fight in the back yard, so I’m just writing to you while the kettle boils!

    Can you spare just $2? Ranji is a 9yr old boy living in Namibia . He has only 1 leg, 1 arm and 1 eye. Each day he has to ride 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video – its f**king hilarious.

    I’ve caught a stray parrot in my garden. All he says is good morning you ugly c _ _ t? It’s not yours is it?


    Been to the optometrist today – he told me I was colour blind. I’m ####ing worried now that some of my mates could be coons. If you are, can you delete my number? Ta

    A bloke starts work in a maternity hospital. Nurse tells him to bath a newborn aboriginal baby. She goes to check on him and he’s swishing the aboriginal baby round the bath with a stick. “You don’t bath a baby like that she said. He said, “You do when the water’s this f**king hot!”

    Husband says to his wife, “do you fancy playing a rape game?” Wife says, “No”. Husband replies, “That’s the spirit!”

    There’s a new anti-depressant for lesbians on the market: Trycoxagain.

    I failed my biology exam today. I was asked to name 2 things commonly found in cells. Apparently, aboriginals and Lebanese rapists is not the correct answer.

  • The Following User Says Thank You to bigfella08 For This Useful Post:

    nic55 (16-04-10)

  • #1030
    Senior Member oyama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    SA
    Age
    58
    Posts
    662
    Thanks
    305
    Thanked 286 Times in 85 Posts
    Rep Power
    247
    Reputation
    1399

    Default



    Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until one
    day, he comes across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it.

    The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years
    old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

    He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such
    great condition for 10 years.

    'Well, it's quite simple, really,' says the seller, 'whenever the
    Bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It
    protects it from the rain.'

    And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

    That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her
    parents. Naturally, they take the bike there.

    But just before they enter the house,

    Sandra stops him and says, 'I have to tell you something about my family before we go in.'

    'When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who
    Says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.'

    'No problem,' he says. And in they go.

    Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a
    Huge stack of dirty dishes.

    In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the
    stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

    They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

    As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the
    situation.

    So he leans over and kisses Sandra.

    No one says a word.

    So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

    Still, nobody says a word.

    So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the
    table, and screws her right there, in front of her parents.

    His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and
    her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.

    He looks at her mom..

    'She's got a great body,' he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her
    over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way
    right there on the dinner table.

    Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still,
    Total silence.

    All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to
    rain.

    Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his
    pocket...

    Suddenly the father shouted....'I'll do the f***** dishes!!!

  • #1031
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    ,
    Last edited by xnavyman; 10-04-10 at 03:19 PM. Reason: Pic link was deleted
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1032
    Member problem child's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    newcastle
    Posts
    332
    Thanks
    53
    Thanked 115 Times in 61 Posts
    Rep Power
    222
    Reputation
    691

    Default


  • #1033
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to xnavyman For This Useful Post:

    Arbiter (10-04-10),enf (11-04-10),macca (10-04-10)

  • #1034
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

    The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

    And that's how the fight started ........
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1035
    Senior Member
    xnavyman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Tasmania
    Age
    77
    Posts
    3,779
    Thanks
    1,909
    Thanked 2,800 Times in 974 Posts
    Rep Power
    620
    Reputation
    14868

    Default

    To: John Hinckley

    From: Mrs. Nancy Reagan

    My family and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased

    we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery.

    In our country's spirit of understanding and forgiveness, we want you to know

    that we bear no grudge against you for shooting President Reagan.

    We are fully aware that mental stress and pain could have driven you to

    such an act of desperation. We're confident that you will soon make a complete

    recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive man.

    Best wishes,
    Nancy Reagan & Family

    P.S. While you have been incarcerated, Kevin Rudd has been banging Jodie Foster
    like a screen door in a tornado. You might want to look into that.
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1036
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,820
    Thanked 34,965 Times in 9,060 Posts
    Rep Power
    13679
    Reputation
    644509

    Default Collingwood coach Mick Malthouse

    This guy has gotta be the joke of the week.


    1. I didn't say anything.
    2. I did, but only to my players.
    3. I did speak to Milne, but I said pest not rapist.
    4. I did say rapist and I'm sorry.
    5. I'm not a liar.
    6. I lied for the good of the game.

    Hahahahaha.....collingwood....

    Cheers
    Ian
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    MattBnet (13-11-11),xnavyman (14-04-10)

  • #1037
    Senior Member
    Arbiter's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    1,408
    Thanks
    155
    Thanked 675 Times in 369 Posts
    Rep Power
    295
    Reputation
    3039

    Default

    Mick didn't call him a rapist - he said he needed to see a therapist...one little typo can ruin yer whole day.
    Next thing duddy Rudd will be saying he squandered all that surplus for the good of the country and Christine Nixon will say she was eating dinner for the good of incinerated Victorians.

  • #1038
    Senior Member
    mango's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    QLD
    Posts
    3,159
    Thanks
    25
    Thanked 1,048 Times in 533 Posts
    Rep Power
    453
    Reputation
    7506

    Default

    At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.



    Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.



    After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.



    After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Roger, again, and he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents to more coupling.



    When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.



    She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.



    But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.'



    Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'



    The moral of the story:



    Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's has its advantages.



    PS. Have I sent this to you already ??

  • The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to mango For This Useful Post:

    enf (15-04-10),xnavyman (14-04-10)

  • #1039
    Senior Member
    bigfella08's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Posts
    1,962
    Thanks
    1,791
    Thanked 771 Times in 340 Posts
    Rep Power
    333
    Reputation
    3732

    Default Bacon Tree

    Bacon Tree
    Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.......

    "Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

    "Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

    With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune , & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

    There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon .... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

    "Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

    "Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget.."

    "Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

    And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

    "Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

    "Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

    "Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees



    Ees



    Ees



    Ees Your gonna love this.............


    ............



    ..........



    ..........




    Ees a ham bush....
    Last edited by bigfella08; 15-04-10 at 09:20 AM.

  • #1040
    Senior Member oyama's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    SA
    Age
    58
    Posts
    662
    Thanks
    305
    Thanked 286 Times in 85 Posts
    Rep Power
    247
    Reputation
    1399

    Default


  • Page 52 of 635 FirstFirst ... 2424344454647484950515253545556575859606162102152552 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •