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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #1041
    Senior Member oyama's Avatar
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    I love this Doctor!

    Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
    A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it...don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

    Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

    A: You must grasp logistical efficiency. What does cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So steak is nothing more than efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef also good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And pork chop can give you 100% of recommended daily allowance of vegetable product.

    Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
    A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

    Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
    A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

    Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
    A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

    Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
    A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

    Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
    A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

    Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
    A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

    Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
    A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

    Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
    A: Hey! 'Round' a shape!

    Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

    And remember:
    Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

    AND.....

    For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

    1. The Japanese eat very little fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats
    and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

    CONCLUSION:

    Eat and drink what you like.
    Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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  • #1042
    Senior Member ageno2gen1's Avatar
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    A 2007 study found that the average Australian walks about 900 miles a year.

    Another study found that the average Australian drinks 22 gallons of beer a year.

    That means the average Australian gets about 41 miles per gallon.

    Bloody good value that!
    Stop being so stupid.. it’s my turn!!

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  • #1043
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    Proudly showing off his newly-leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, A drunk Maori led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

    'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friend's asked.


    'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking Australian clock' he drunkenly replied.


    'A talking Australian clock - seriously?'


    'Yup.' 'Hmmm (hic).'


    'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.


    'Just watch' he said.


    He picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash' and stepped back.

    His three mates stood looking at one another for a moment in astounded silence.


    Suddenly, an Australian voice from the other side of the wall screamed,


    'For f*#k's sake, you stupid pri*#. It's ten past three in the f*#king morning !!!'
    Stop being so stupid.. it’s my turn!!

  • #1044
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    JUST try reading this without laughing ' till you cry!!! =-O




    Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:



    Last weekend I saw something at Larry ' s Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??



    WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I ' d get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.



    AWESOME!!!



    Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.



    Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn ' t be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it.
    She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?



    So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.
    Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



    All the while I ' m looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, ' no possible way! ' What happened next is almost beyond description, but I ' ll do my best.. ...?



    I ' m sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as to say, ' don ' t do it dipshit, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn ' t hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and ... ..



    HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . .. WHAT THE F**K!!! . . . WHAT IS THAT STENCH !!!!.. . MY HAIR HURTS !!!



    I ' m pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.



    Note: If you ever feel compelled to ' mug ' yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst would be considered conservative?



    IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!



    A minute or so later (I can ' t be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling or the urge to scream.



    Apparently I shit myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I ' m still looking for my nuts and I ' m offering a significant reward for their safe return!



    P.S.... My wife, can ' t stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!



    If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!
    Stop being so stupid.. it’s my turn!!

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  • #1045
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    A little boy goes to his
    dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

    Dad says, 'Well son, let
    me try to explain it this way:

    I am the head of the
    family, so call me The Prime Minister.

    Your mother is the
    administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.


    We are here to take care
    of your needs, so we will call you the People.

    The nanny, we will
    consider her the Working Class.

    And your baby brother,
    we will call him the Future.

    Now think about that and
    see if it makes sense.'

    So the little boy goes
    off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

    Later that night,! he
    hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.


    He finds that the baby
    has severely soiled his nappy.

    So the little boy goes
    to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.


    Not wanting to wake her,
    he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks
    in the keyhole and see s his father in bed with the nanny.

    He gives up and goes back to bed.

    The next morning, the
    little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the
    concept of politics now. '

    The father says, 'Good,
    son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all
    about.'

    The little boy replies,
    'The prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the
    Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and
    the Future is in deep
    shit.'
    Stop being so stupid.. it’s my turn!!

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  • #1046
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    You know you're Australian if...

    43 self identifying things that tell you you're Australian

    1. You know the meaning of the word "girt".

    2. You believe that stubbies can be either drunk or worn.

    3. You think it's normal to have a leader called Kevin.

    4. You waddle when you walk due to the 53 expired petrol discount vouchers stuffed in your wallet or purse.

    5. You've made a bong out of your garden hose rather than use it for something illegal such as watering the garden.

    6. You believe it is appropriate to put a rubber in your son's pencil case when he first attends school.

    7. When you hear that an American "roots for his team" you wonder how often and with whom.

    8. You understand that the phrase "a group of women wearing black thongs" refers to footwear and may be less alluring than it sounds.

    9. You pronounce Melbourne as "Mel-bin".

    10. You pronounce Penrith as "Pen-riff".

    11. You believe the "l" in the word "Australia" is optional.

    12. You can translate: "Dazza and Shazza played Acca Dacca on the way to Maccas."

    13. You believe it makes perfect sense for a nation to decorate its highways with large fibreglass bananas, prawns and sheep.

    14. You call your best friend "a total bastard" but someone you really, truly despise is just "a bit of a bastard".

    15. You think "Woolloomooloo" is a perfectly reasonable name for a place.

    16. You're secretly proud of our killer wildlife.

    17. You believe it makes sense for a country to have a $1 coin that's twice as big as its $2 coin.

    18. You understand that "Wagga Wagga" can be abbreviated to "Wagga" but "Woy Woy" can't be called "Woy".

    19. You believe that cooked-down axlegrease makes a good breakfast spread.

    20. You believe all famous Kiwis are actually Australian, until they stuff up, at which point they again become Kiwis.

    21. Hamburger. Beetroot. Of course.

    22. You know that certain words must, by law, be shouted out during any rendition of the Angels' song Am I Ever Gonna See Your Face Again.

    23. You believe, as an article of faith, that the confectionery known as the Wagon Wheel has become smaller with every passing year.

    24. You still don't get why the "Labor" in "Australian Labor Party" is not spelt with a "u".

    25. You wear ugh boots outside the house.

    26. You believe, as an article of faith, that every important discovery in the world was made by an Australian but then sold off to the Yanks for a pittance.

    27. You believe that the more you shorten someone's name the more you like them.

    28. Whatever your linguistic skills, you find yourself able to order takeaway fluently in every Asian language.

    29. You understand that "excuse me" can sound rude, while "scuse me" is always polite.

    30. You know what it's like to swallow a fly, on occasion via your nose.

    31. You understand that "you" has a plural and that it's "youse".

    32. You know it's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to handle.

    33. Your biggest family argument over the summer concerned the rules for beach cricket.

    34. You shake your head in horror when companies try to market what they call "Anzac cookies".

    35. You still think of Kylie as "that girl off Neighbours".

    36. When returning home from overseas, you expect to be brutally strip-searched by Customs - just in case you're trying to sneak in fruit.

    37. You believe the phrase "smart casual" refers to a pair of black tracky-daks, suitably laundered.

    38. You understand that all train timetables are works of fiction.

    39. When working on a bar, you understand male customers will feel the need to offer an excuse whenever they order low-alcohol beer.

    40. You get choked up with emotion by the first verse of the national anthem and then have trouble remembering the second.

    41. You find yourself ignorant of nearly all the facts deemed essential in the government's new test for migrants.

    42. You know, whatever the tourist books say, that no one says "cobber".

    43. And you will immediately forward this list to other Australians, here and overseas, realising that only they will understand.
    * Bill Paxton is the only actor to be killed by Alien, a Terminator, and the Predator.

  • #1047
    Senior Member covert's Avatar
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    What has 26 legs and can't climb a ladder?
    The Melbourne Storm.

    What's the difference between the Storm and a triangle?
    The triangle has points
    By reading this, you have already given me control over a tiny slice of your mind

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  • #1048
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    One to share with the kids....

    .....Why is Mr’s Dracula always tried?

    Because of Mr Dracula Coffin!
    "It's Life Jim" But Not As We Know It!

    "We come in peace" shoot to kill.

  • #1049
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    Carl Williams father visited him a week before his demise....

    Looking at his overweight son he exclaimed.."Jeez Carl, you're packing it on. An exercise bike wouldn't kill ya."

    Cheers
    enf
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #1050
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    One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift..
    The next year, he didn't buy her a gift. When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
    gift I bought you last year!"
    And that's how the fight started..
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1051
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    Wink What's inside your Whitey.........

    For all those serious folk that may want to have a look inside their white card see link.........



    Ps-:this is the joke thread......mmmmmmm

  • #1052
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    Last night I was talking to a young, good looking woman.

    She asked me if I preferred breasts or legs.

    I told her what I really liked was a shaved fanny.

    Apparently I'm not welcome back at KFC.
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1053
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    So I take it she wasn't a pheasant plucker then....
    Kitchen is Fvcking Closed

  • #1054
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    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gi7AD8olTpk&feature=related]YouTube - The Vicar Of Dibley - 101 - Arrival (Part 4)[/ame]

    The quote at 1:15.....hahahah Fvking Gold. Traffic Lights...lol

  • #1055
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    Roberta Williams was visiting her husband Carl, in prison recently. She noticed he had gained a lot of weight. "Jeez Carl, you've packed on the kilos, since you were sent to jail" she observed. "Yeah, I know, it's all bread they feed us", came the reply. She then pipes up - "I suppose an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya'!"
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

  • #1056
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    Quote Originally Posted by xnavyman View Post
    Roberta Williams was visiting her husband Carl, in prison recently. She noticed he had gained a lot of weight. "Jeez Carl, you've packed on the kilos, since you were sent to jail" she observed. "Yeah, I know, it's all bread they feed us", came the reply. She then pipes up - "I suppose an exercise bike wouldn't kill ya'!"

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    no religius treads active!! oh well a snippet from dave allen,
    im an athiest and thank god for that

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    I bought a race horse today. I called him "my face". I don't care if he wins and care less if he looses. I just wan't to hear a thousand stuck up moles at Randwick scream "Come on My Face"

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    A pakistani dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the pearly gates and tells St Peter "I'm here for Jesus."

    St Peter turns around and yells "Hey Jesus, your taxi is here..."


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    A doctor felt guilty for having sex with a patient. One voice told him "it's ok, lots of doctors do that". The other voice said "you sick barstard you're a vet.
    Last edited by mickstv; 03-05-10 at 10:11 AM.

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