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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Default Drinking

    A guys drinking down the pub with his mate,gets a bit carried away
    and vomits down the front of his shirt.OH! NO!,he says, not again, my
    wifes gonna kill me, she went clean off last time.His mate turns to him
    and says, don’t worry mate, here’s $20, put it in your shirt pocket and
    tell the wife someone else threw up on you, then gave you $20 for the
    drycleaning bill.What a great idea he says and carries on drinking.
    A couple of hours later he finally gets home, walks in and his wife starts
    swearing and cursing at him. Whoa ,he says to her, it wasn’t me and tells
    her about the stranger and the $20 in his shirt pocket.She says that’s ok then
    and reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money.Hang on a minute she
    says, theres $40 here. Oh yeah that’s right he says.The dirty buggar shat in
    my pants as well!!

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    Default

    On the night of a Halloween costume party a couple were having trouble picking suitable outfits. After a while the wife got mad and stormed out of the room. Fifteen minutes later she came back completely naked execpt for a lemon between her legs.
    The husband looked at her for a moment and then stormed out of the room himself. Twenty minutes passed and then he came back himself with a potato around his dick.

    The wife gave him a wierd look and then the husband replied "If your going as a sour-puss, I going as a dictator".
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    Default English

    An American, an Englishman, and an Australian were sitting in a bar enjoying a few beers. The American grabbed his beer, knocked it back in one gulp, then he threw the glass into the air and shot it with his handgun. As he set the handgun on the bar, he told the Englishman and the Australian that in the great U.S. of A, they had so much money they never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Australian drank his beer, threw the glass into the air and shot the glass with the American's gun. As he was setting the gun back on the bar he proclaimed that in Australia they had so much sand that glass was cheap and he too never drank out of the same glass twice. Next the Englishman drank his beer, grabbed the gun off the bar, and shot the Australian. As he was setting the gun back on the bar, he said that in England we have so many Australians we never have to drink with the same ones twice.

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    Default SA

    What do Superman and South Australia have in common?
    They both have an Iron Knob.

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    Default Justice

    It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the
    zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress,
    sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass
    in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape.

    He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand (and 2 feet),
    grunting and pounding his chest with the free hand. He is obviously
    excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing
    the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow.

    The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play
    along. She does and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises
    that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one
    of her straps fall, she does, and Mr. Gorilla is just about to tear
    the bars down. "Now try lifting your dress up your thighs"

    ... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

    Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the
    door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, "Now, tell
    HIM you have a headache."

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    Default Neighbours

    A business man from New York decided to quit his job and buy a 200 acre
    spread in Montana. One day while out riding his horse, he came across
    another man on horseback. The man told him he was his next door neighbor
    and he was having a get-together the coming weekend. He said: I have to
    warn you though, there will be alot of drinking at this party. The city
    slicker said no problem. There will also be sex going on. No problem he
    responded. Well, There will probably be some fighting too. I think I can
    handle myself, claimed the new neighbor. As he rode off, he turned and
    asked the party host. "By the way, what should I wear at the party" The
    man, responded "Oh, it don't matter, It's only going to be me and you!"

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    Default

    Two guys are drinking in a bar.

    One says, "Did you know that lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

    "BUGGER!" says his friend. "And I just joined Rotary..."

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    Default


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    Default

    AUSTRALIAN ETIQUETTE


    IN GENERAL

    1.. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.
    2.. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.
    3.. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.
    4.. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
    5.. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your
    Ute and trailer to the funeral.

    DINING OUT

    1.. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as
    not to bruise the wine.
    2.. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

    ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME

    1.. A centre piece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
    taxidermist.
    2.. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

    PERSONAL HYGIENE

    1.. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private,
    using one's OWN Ute keys.
    2.. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.
    3.. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.
    4.. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of
    finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your
    jewellery.

    DATING

    1.. Always offer to bait your date's fishing hook - especially on the first date.
    2.. Be assertive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out
    with you ever since I read that stuff on the dunny door two years ago."
    3.. Establish with her parents what time she's expected back. Some will say
    11:00 PM, others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it's the
    man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

    THEATRE ETIQUETTE

    1.. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie
    ends.
    2.. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven
    they can't hear you.


    WEDDINGS

    1.. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
    2.. Kissing the bride for more than five seconds may cause a drop in your
    popularity. (Excessive use of the tongue is also considered out of place)
    3.. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a
    clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.
    4.. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.


    DRIVING ETIQUETTE

    1.. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun is loaded
    and the roo is in your rifle sight.
    2.. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't
    always have the right of way.
    3.. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
    4.. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask
    her to bring back beer too.

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    Default

    One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

    The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'



    The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

    'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

    'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'



    'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'



    The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great..'

    'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

    'You better believe it!'

    'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?'

    'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

    The demon continued. 'I bet you like to gamble.'

    'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do'

    'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

    The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'



    'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

    'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

    The demon said, 'You gay?'

    'No.'

    'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

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    Default Indian With One Testicle

    There once was an Indian whose given name was "Onestone." So
    named
    because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked everyone
    not
    to call him Onestone.

    After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and
    said,
    "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
    around
    and nobody called him that any more.

    Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
    "Good
    morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
    the
    forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to
    her
    all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

    The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he
    would do.

    Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until
    a
    woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
    many
    years. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she
    saw
    Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."

    Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he
    made
    love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
    the
    next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't
    die!

    What is the moral of this story?????
    OH, come on...take a guess!
    Think about it (You're going to love this!)

    And the moral is...
    You can't really kill two birds with one stone!

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    Default Barbie and G.I. Joe

    A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her
    turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What
    would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

    The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."
    Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says,
    "I thought Barbie comes with Ken."

    "No," said the little girl. "She comes with G.I. Joe,
    she fakes it with Ken."

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    Default Two story house

    A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce.
    The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says,
    "Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce."

    "Because," the man says,"I live in a two-story house."

    The Judge replies, "What kind of a reason is that?
    What is the big deal about a two-story house?"

    The man answers, "Well Judge, one story is 'I have a headache'
    and the other story is 'It's that time of the month.'

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    Default Bird Watching

    The State of Florida had a problem. The drug bust over the years had filled
    their storage areas with Marijuana. It was decided the only option was to
    burn all of the Marijuana on hand. The eventful day a huge mound of Marijuana
    was torched. The fire raged and the smoke of the weed raised in a large cloud.
    At this time a flock of Tern's flew through this cloud.
    A group of forest rangers (aka Their environmental watch dogs) were sent out
    to assure the well-being of the Terns . They followed this flock until they
    finally landed. The rangers sneaking upon the terns were able to observe and
    issue a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.

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    Default Indians

    With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked,
    "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"
    She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm."
    Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?"
    She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when
    we made her."
    "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?"
    "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived.",
    She explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then
    asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

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    Default

    Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"
    And so they did.
    As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle with her!"
    And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    First Time Sex



    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
    Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
    The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
    He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
    At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
    That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!'
    The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.
    A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
    The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'

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    Default

    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    Default Little Johnny

    One Friday afternoon Little Johnny is in class and the teacher says:
    "Ok class, if you can answer one of these questions, you can go home early and have a day off on Monday"
    "Q1. Who discovered Australia and in what year?"
    Little Jenny Chan puts her hand up and says "Captain Cook in 1788, Miss"
    Teacher: "Very good Jenny, you can go home now and come back on Tuesday"
    Jenny Chan: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I have to study very hard so I can't afford to take a day off school"
    Teacher: "That's very conscientious off you Jenny, well done"
    Teacher: "Ok, next question, who discovered America and when?"
    Jimmy Wang: "Christopher Columbus, 1648"
    Teacher: "Well done, Jimmy, you can go home now and have Monday off"
    Jimmy Wang: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I need to study really hard. I can't afford to take a day off school."
    Teacher: "Very good Jimmy, that is really committed off you.
    Someone at the rear of the classroom yells out: "F***ing Asian Bastards!"
    Teacher: "Who said that?"
    Little Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996, see you Tuesday Miss!"

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    Thumbs up

    Love that one
    Quote Originally Posted by MrElectricity View Post
    One Friday afternoon Little Johnny is in class and the teacher says:
    "Ok class, if you can answer one of these questions, you can go home early and have a day off on Monday"
    "Q1. Who discovered Australia and in what year?"
    Little Jenny Chan puts her hand up and says "Captain Cook in 1788, Miss"
    Teacher: "Very good Jenny, you can go home now and come back on Tuesday"
    Jenny Chan: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a doctor so I have to study very hard so I can't afford to take a day off school"
    Teacher: "That's very conscientious off you Jenny, well done"
    Teacher: "Ok, next question, who discovered America and when?"
    Jimmy Wang: "Christopher Columbus, 1648"
    Teacher: "Well done, Jimmy, you can go home now and have Monday off"
    Jimmy Wang: "No Miss, when I grow up I want to be a lawyer so I need to study really hard. I can't afford to take a day off school."
    Teacher: "Very good Jimmy, that is really committed off you.
    Someone at the rear of the classroom yells out: "F***ing Asian Bastards!"
    Teacher: "Who said that?"
    Little Johnny: "Pauline Hanson, 1996, see you Tuesday Miss!"
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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