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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #101
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    A man owned a small farm in the south west of WA.
    The Department of Consumer & Employment Protection heard that he was not
    paying proper wages to his employees and sent an agent down to interview
    him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,"
    demanded the agent.
    "Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
    3 years. I pay him $400 a week plus free room and board. The
    cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $450 per week plus free
    room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours
    every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes
    about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle
    of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife
    occasionally."
    "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the
    agent.
    "That would be me," replied the farmer.
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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  • #102
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    This little johnny joke I found really gave me a laugh.

    Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
    Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

    Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

    His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

    “Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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  • #103
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    Default Dave

    Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there
    is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
    Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about
    Tom Cruise?'
    'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'
    So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door
    and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come
    on in for a beer!'
    Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave
    Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just
    lucky.
    'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.
    'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.
    'Yup,' Dave say's, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington .'
    And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and
    motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was
    just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
    let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'
    Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
    After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to
    Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
    'The Pope,' his boss replies.
    'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to
    Rome.
    Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St.
    Peter's Square when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the
    Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards
    so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
    He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.
    Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the
    balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a
    heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
    Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'


    His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw ... you and the Pope
    came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the f***k
    is that on the balcony with Dave?'

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    A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu...

    + Tourist: $5
    + Broiled Missionary: $10.00
    + Fried Explorer: $15.00
    + Baked Democrat or Grilled Republican: $100.00

    The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, 'Why such a price difference for the Politician?

    The cook replied, 'Have you ever tried to clean one? They're so full of shit, it takes all morning.'

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    A tourist walked into a Sydney curio/antique shop.

    After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze statue of a rat.

    It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.

    He took it to the owner and said: "How much is this bronze rat?"

    The owner replied: "It's $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story."

    The tourist gave the owner his $12 and said: "I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story."

    As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.

    He increased his speed & ran on towards Watson Bay beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.


    By now very concerned. He ran down to the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.

    Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.

    The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said : "Ah, you've come back for the story then?"

    "No," said the tourist, "I came back to see if you've got a bronze Muslim, a couple of Asians, a Poof, a Collingwood supporter and anything Aboriginal.
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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  • #106
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    MEDIA RELEASE.

    1st December 2007

    In response to a number of complaints
    that there are not enough Indigenous, middle eastern,
    and Asian peoples appearing on TV,
    ABC Television have decided that in future
    'Crimestoppers' will be shown 'TWICE' weekly.

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    That post is unnecessarily abrasive.

  • #108
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    An American tourist whom had brought his brand new Lamborgini over to Australia. He took it to the outback so he could open it up without being done for speeding.

    He was driving along an open road, when he saw 'jackie jackie' pedaling his bicycle. The tourist realised that jackie jackie was quite a distance from the nearest town, so he said to jackie jackie, attach this rope from the back of my car to your bicycle and i can tow you the rest of the way, if if start 2 go to fast just ring your bell and i will slow down.

    So they hooked up the car to the bike and off they went. The Ameican started to get a bit lead footed and got up to about 90 klms per hour, jackie jackie started 2 get a bit worried and started ringing his bell, so the American slowed down.

    It wasnt much further up the road, when a sign appeared saying '1 klm to Chillagoe'. The American was getting very impatient @ this time, and thought to himself I will put my foot down and show these Aussie hicks how fast my car can go.

    So he put the pedal to the medal, the speedo went higher and higher, 100, 120, 130 , and eventually hit 250klms per hour as he raced thru the small town.

    Now, sitting back in the main street of the town were 2 old fellas, One of them said, geez mate , did u see that lamborgini fly past, it must have been doing near 300klm per hour. His mate turned to him and said yeah, but did u see jackie jackie behind him, ringing his bell trying to pass him !

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  • #109
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    The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock
    The cocky took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
    He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,
    The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

    He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank
    And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
    'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,
    'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

    The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt
    She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
    But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free
    And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

    He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down
    If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
    Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim
    He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

    He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks
    And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
    He jumped into the water and away that cocky swam
    He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

    The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip
    He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
    At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath
    She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

    She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side
    He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
    Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed
    He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

    The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
    He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away
    He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea
    But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

    He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view
    For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
    And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch
    The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

    The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car
    The cocky's reputation has been damaged near and far
    So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks
    Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!

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  • #110
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    Tasmanian Fingers

    Johnny was working at the fish plant in Hobart when he accidentally cut
    off all ten of his fingers.
    He went to the emergency room. When he got there the doctor looked at
    Johnny and said "Let's have the fingers and I'll see what I can do."

    Johnny said, "I haven't got the fingers."
    "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers?" shrieked the doctor.
    "Lord thundering Jesus it's 2007!
    We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could
    have put them back on and made you like new! Why didn't you bring the
    fingers?"


    (Are you ready for this????? Remember this is a Tasmanian!!)



    Johnny says..."How the f### was I supposed to pick them up??"
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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  • #111
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    A bloke goes into Centrelink in Sydney and sees a card advertising for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
    Interested he goes to learn more - "Can you give me some more details about this?" he asks the guy behind the desk.

    The Centrelink clerk sorts through his files & replies -

    "Oh yes here it is. OK, the job entails you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist. You have to help them out of their underwear, lie them down and wash their nether regions. Then apply shaving foam and shave off all their pubic hair then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination. There's an annual salary of $85,000 but you're going to have to go to Newcastle"

    "Oh why, is that where the job's at?"

    "No - that's the end of the queue"

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  • #112
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    5 minute Management Course


    Lesson 1:
    A priest offered a Nun a lift. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing
    her gown to reveal a leg. The priest nearly had an accident. After
    controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

    The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?' The priest removed his hand.
    But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

    The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

    The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

    Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

    On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129

    It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

    Moral of the story:
    If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
    opportunity.


    Lesson 2:
    A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
    when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out.

    The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

    'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,
    driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

    Puff! She's gone.

    'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
    on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
    and the love of my life.'

    Puff! He's gone.

    'OK,! you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.

    The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'

    Moral of the story:
    Always let your boss have the first say.


    Lesson 3:
    An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw
    the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

    The eagle answered: ' Sure , why not.'

    So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested.

    All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

    Moral of the story:
    To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.


    Lesson 4:
    A turkey was chatting with a bull. 'I would love to be able to get to the
    top of that tree,' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

    'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull.
    'They're packed with nutrients.'

    The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
    strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after
    eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a
    fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

    He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

    Moral of the story:
    BullSh*t might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

    Lesson 5:
    A little bird was flying south for the Winter. It was so cold the bird
    froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there,
    a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

    As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
    how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all
    warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

    A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following
    the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and
    promptly dug him out and ate him.

    Morals of the story:
    (1) Not everyone who sh*ts on you is your enemy.
    (2) Not everyone who gets you out of sh*t is your friend.
    (3) And when you're in deep sh*t, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

    THIS ENDS THE 5-MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

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  • #113
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    "After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

    One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua (Maori elder), reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    Quote Originally Posted by xnavyman View Post
    "After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

    Not to be outdone by the Brits, in the weeks that followed, Australian scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the Aussie newspapers read: "Australian archaeologists have found traces of 150 year old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Brits."

    One week later, Maori TV reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in his backyard in Te Kuiti, Hone Waiata, a King Country Kaumatua (Maori elder), reported that he found absolutely nothing. Hone has therefore concluded that 300 years ago Maori had already gone wireless."
    That's GOLD!

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    A blind man in a store

    A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

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    Slot machine winner

    A blonde was standing in front of a soda machine outside of the local fush n chip shop. After putting in a dollar, a can of orange pops out of the machine. She set it on the ground, puts sixty more cents into the machine, and pushes another button; suddenly, a coke comes out the machine!

    She continued to do this until a man waiting to use the machine became impatient. "Excuse me, can I get my drink and then you can go back to whatever stupid thing you are doing?"

    The blonde turns around and says, "Yeah right! I'm not giving up this machine while I'm still winning!"

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    Doing this great deed

    A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

    For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

    Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

    Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

    Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

    The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen bikies. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

    I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

    "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

    "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

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    Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses.

    Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

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    THE HORTH WHITHPERER

    A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

    His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

    "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

    So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

    "A female horth."

    So he shows him a prized filly.

    "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

    So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

    "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

    So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

    "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

    The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

    "Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

    Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

    The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

    "Perhapth I should rephrase that.
    Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?
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    Default Politically Correct

    Politically Correct
    While walking down the street one day a US senator is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
    "Welcome to heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."
    "No problem, just let me in," says the man.
    "Well, I'd like to, but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."
    "Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in heaven," says the senator.
    "I'm sorry, but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him. Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting Rich at the expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne.
    Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that before he realizes it, it is time to go.
    Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises... The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St.Peter is waiting for him.
    "Now it's time to visit heaven."
    So, 24 hours pass with the senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
    "Well, then, you've spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity."
    The senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: "Well, I would Never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell."
    So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
    Now the doors of the elevator open and he's in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above.
    The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.
    "I don't understand," stammers the senator. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar,drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there's just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?"
    The devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted."

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