The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[xnavyman]

So a vampire goes into a bar and asks the bartender for a cup of hot water. The bartender asks: Don't you people drink blood? And the vampire whips out a used tampon and says: Im making tea.

[ozchips]

DICTIONARY FOR WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS
40-ish..............................49
Adventurous.....................Slept with all your friends
Athletic............................No boobs
Average looking.................Ugly
Beautiful...........................Pathological liar
Contagious Smile................Does a lot of pills
Emotionally secure..............On medication
Feminist............................Fat
Free spirit..........................Junkie
Friendship first...................Former slut
Fun..................................Annoying
Gentle..............................Dull
New Age...........................Body hair in the wrong places
Open-minded.....................Desperate
Outgoing...........................Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate........................Sloppy drunk
Poet.................................Depressive
Professional.......................Bitch
Romantic...........................Frigid
Voluptuous........................Very Fat
Large frame.......................Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate................Stalker
Widow..............................Murderer

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

And finally.....

A recent scientific study found that women find different male faces attractive depending on where they are in their menstrual cycle.
For example, when a woman is ovulating she will prefer a man with rugged, masculine features.
However when she is menstruating, she prefers a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors stuck in his eye and a cricket stump shoved up his backside.

NOW SEND THIS TO A MAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND A WOMAN WITH A SENSE OF HUMOUR!!!

[mango]

Choosing a wife.


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a
present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new
outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.


The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.


Again, the man is impressed.


The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and
reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.



Then.........

He married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that
by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


womens liberation conference.


The first speaker; a lady from England , stood and said "During last

year's conference, we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands.

Well,

after the conference, I went home and told my husband, Barrington, that

I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself.

After the first day, I saw nothing. The second day, I saw nothing, but
on

the

third day, I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb." (The
crowd

cheered).



The second speaker from Russia , stood up and said, "After last year's

conference, I went home and told my husband, Ivan, that I would no

longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. The first

day, I

saw nothing. After the second day, I saw nothing, but on the third day,
I

saw that he had done not only his own washing, but mine as well. (The

crowd

again cheered).



The third speaker, an Aboriginal lady, stood up and said, "Afta lass

year's conference, I wen home and tole dat lazy husband of mines, Dingo

Jack,

dat I was froo pickin up his beer cans, cookin his tucker and washin his

undaweah and dat he was goin to haf to do dem himself. (The crowd
went

wild with cheering and clapping that lasted for five long minutes). She

continued.

"Afta da first day, I nevah see nuffin. Afta da second day I
nevah see

nuffin, but afta da fird day, I could see a little bit outa my leff eye."

[mango]

dont know if i posted this b4 ?

THE HORTH WHITHPERER



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

"That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

"A female horth."

So he shows him a prized filly.

"Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

"Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

"Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nice mouf, can I see her twat"?

Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

"Perhapth I should rephrase that.
Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

[tagg]

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?

Marry it !


What is the difference between a battery and a woman?

A battery has a positive side.


How are fat girls and mopeds alike?

They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.


How do you piss off a female archaeologist??

Give her a used tampon and ask her what period it comes from.


How is a woman like a condom?

Both of them spend more time in your wallet than on your di*k.


What should you give a woman who has everything?

A man to show her how to work it.


Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a
waist?

Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.


How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?

Put a nipple on it.


Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

Because they don't have balls to scratch.


Why did God create woman ?

To carry semen from the bedroom to the toilet.


Why do women fake orgasms ?

Because they think men care.


What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?

Nothing, she's been told twice already.


If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?

Made her chain too long


How many men does it take to open a beer?

None. It should be opened when she brings it.


Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?

Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.


Why do women have smaller feet than men?

It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand
closer to the kitchen sink.


How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'


How do you fix a woman's watch?

You don't. There is a clock on the oven.



Why do men pass gas more than women?

Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.



If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at
the
front door, who do you let in first?

The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.



What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?

A woman who won't do what she's told



I married a Miss Right.

I just didn't know her first name was Always.



Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive
by 90%.

It's called a Wedding Cake.



Why do men die before their wives?

They want to.


Women will never be equal to men...

until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer
gut,and
still think they are sexy.


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested


cheers
Tagg

[cmangle]

Headlines From The Year: 2029
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally! Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica. No other country comes forward to help the beleaguered nation!

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Global cooling blamed for citrus crop failure for third consecutive year in Mexifornia and Florexico.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Abortion clinics now available in every High School in United States.

Senate still blocking drilling in ANWR even though gas is selling for 4532 Pesos per liter and gas stations are only open on Tuesdays and Fridays.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2030.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florexico voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[pheggie]

Medicare Sex

An elderly couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'

The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing
wrong with the way you have intercourse.'

He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50, and
says good-bye.

The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment,
has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm
sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it here for
$50, and then get $43 back from Medicare.'

[pheggie]

GIVING UP WINE

I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly


dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.



I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money,

will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman told me.

"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time shopping," the homeless woman said.

"I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS !" replied the homeless woman. " I

haven't had my hair done in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you the money.

Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my

husband and me tonight."

The homeless Woman was shocked. "Won't your husband

be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty,

and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

I said, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman

looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine."

[Tugboat]

mate of mine in the army just married a girl from switzerland. She can wash up with one hand, cook tea with the other, dust with one foot while sucking his cock as she opens a beer with her arse. Shes a swiss army wife

[intelliGEORGE]

This will make you dizzy!!!!!


The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.


The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

[cmangle]

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well.
However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 Pepsi's and still feel this way For some reason, you are craving a steak &fries.


Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.


Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.


Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your ass is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.


Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in. The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

[intelliGEORGE]

[treble]

whats white and hangs from the clouds?

the second cumming of jesus christ.

sorry but i thought coz its easter
treble

whats the difference between a woman and a washing machine?

a washing machine doesnt follow you around for two weeks when you dump your load in it.

whats the difference between a woman and a fridge?

a fridge doesnt fart when you pull your meat out.

[xnavyman]

Paul wrote a poem for Heather-
"We lay upon the grassy bank;
My hands were all a-quiver,
I slowly undid her suspender belt;
And her bloody leg fell in the river!"

[xnavyman]

A man's in bed with his Thai girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, "Why do you love doing that?"

She replies: "Because I really miss mine".

[littlemunno]

Three tortoises

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there. When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it" says Roy. "I thought you packed it"

Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Andy didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, roy finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace. 20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it.........

Roy pops up from behind a rock and shouts: "I KNEW IT......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!!"

[hazman]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students,"Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered.

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

"Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty, when the rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!

"That must've been scary", said the teacher.

"It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff,Fffff, Fffff'...and before he could say "F*ck off," the rottweiler ate him!"

[mango]

A black man goes to a doctor with a problem - he can't stop jogging!

‘Hey white doctor” says the blackman “what ya think is makin’ me run all over the place. To puckin’ hot for dat shit”

The doctor says” Got me beat but hey I might have a cure”

To cure the man, the doctor puts two lines of white powder on his desk and tells him to snort them.

The black man does what the doctor says and immediately after, he stops dead still.

'Puck me drunk. Is that cocaine?' he asks the doctor.

'No' the doctor replies. 'It's bloody Omo - guaranteed to stop coloureds from running.'

[xnavyman]

What do New Zealand women put on to attact a male?

Mint Sauce behind their ears.

[Globe]

Irish Doctor

A doctor in Ireland wanted to take off work and go hunting, so
He approached his assistant.

"George, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the
Clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all
Me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers George.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks:
"So, George, how was your day?"

George told him that he took care of three patients.
"The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo, Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir,"
Says George.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this, and what about the third one?"
Asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman
Enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything
Including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table. She
Spreads her legs and shouts:

"HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!"
"Tunderin' Lard Jayzus, George, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."