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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the
    country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar
    which reads:

    CHEESEBURGER: $1.50

    CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50

    HAND JOB: $100.00

    Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the
    bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender
    serving drinks to a group of farmers.

    "Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

    "I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the young lady
    who gives the hand-jobs?"

    "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

    The old biker replies, "Well wash your hands, I want a
    cheeseburger."

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  • #142
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    Default ~twenty Dollars~

    ~TWENTY DOLLARS~

    On their wedding night, the young bride
    approached her new
    husband and asked for $20.00 for their first
    lovemaking encounter. In
    his highly aroused state, her husband readily
    agreed.




    This scenario was repeated each time they made
    love, for more
    than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a
    cute way for her to
    afford new clothes and other incidentals that
    she needed.


    Arriving home around noon one day, she was
    surprised to find
    her husband in a very drunken state.
    During the next few minutes, he explained that
    his employer
    was going through a process of corporate
    downsizing, and he had
    been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of
    59, he'd be able to find
    another position that paid anywhere near what
    he'd been earning, and
    therefore, they
    were financially ruined.


    Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
    showed more than thirty
    years of steady deposits and interest totalling
    nearly $1 million. Then she
    showed him certificates of deposits issued
    by the bank which were worth over $2 million,
    and informed him that they
    were one of the largest depositors in the bank.


    She explained that
    for the more than
    three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
    these holdings had multiplied
    and these were the
    results of her savings and investments.

    Faced with evidence of cash and investments
    worth over $3
    million, her husband was so astounded he could
    barely speak, but
    finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'If
    I'd had any idea what you
    were doing, I would have given you all my
    business!'


    That's when she shot him.


    You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
    to keep their mouths shut.

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  • #143
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    A skinhead is sitting on a train eating prawns

    When he finishes one he throws the heads at an old nun sitting opposite him.

    The nun says nothing but throws the heads out the window.

    Finally when the skinhead has finished all of his prawns and the nun has worn the barrage and then thrown all of the heads out of the window, she pulls the emergency brake on the train.

    The skinhead screams 'your gunna get a $50 fine for doing that"
    The nun replies... " your gunna get 10 years when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you stupid ****"

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  • #144
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    Default Only in Austrailia ?

    An 18 year old Australian girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.

    Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

    The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

    Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

    The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

    Half an hour later a Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

    He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

    'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.

    I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

    'Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

    If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

    If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

    ' However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

    At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.........











    'You root her again.'

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  • #145
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    Default The Gay Genie

    A gay man was walking along the beach at Fire Island when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold, out popped a gay genie.

    The Genie said, "Hey Girl, wassup?"

    The amazed man asked if he got three wishes.

    "Nope, just one...due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages, third-world countries, my new pumps pinching my big toes, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be? The complete set of Tyson Cane videos? A copy of the Marilyn Monroe Happy Birthday Mr. President sequined dress in your size with matching shoes?"

    The man shook his head 'no', and didn't hesitate. He said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

    The Genie looked at the map and shrieked, "Miss Thaaaaaang, I don't think so, not in this lifetime!! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

    The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man, you know, one that's considerate and fun, warm and affectionate, gorgeous, is well endowed, only wants sex from me, doesn't do drugs or drink too much, has a great job with a good income, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and tells me I always look fabulous, and is great in bed. That's what I wish for... the perfect guy to have as my lover."

    The Genie let out a long sigh, clutched his hand to his heart and said, "Oh Miss Thang... let me see that map again."

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  • #146
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    Default

    The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two
    people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were
    both super workers. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire
    the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.



    Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying
    all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss
    approached her and said: 'Debra, I've never done this before, but I have
    to lay you or Jack off.'



    'Could you jack off?' she says, 'I feel like shit.'

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  • #147
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    Default Queenslander!

    A woman goes to the doctor: Doc she says, everytime I go to take a piss, my vagina makes a funny noise, it yells out "QUEENSLANDER!".


    So the doctor says: I wouldn't worry about it too much, theres a lot of c***s yelling it out this time of year.


    QUEENSLANDER!

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  • #148
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    Default The New Teacher meets Little Johnny.

    The New Teacher meets Little Johnny.

    A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

    "Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

    "Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

    The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

    "Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

    Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

    Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

    "Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

    "Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."

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  • #149
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    Default Kiwi John's First Time

    Kiwi John pulled over the car by the side of the road and showed his mate Dave where he'd first had sex.

    "It was right down there by that tree. I remember the day plainly. It was a warm summer day. She and I were so much in love. We walked down to the tree and made love for hours," John recalled.

    "That sounds wonderful," said Dave.

    "Yes. It was ok until I looked up and noticed her mother was standing right there watching us."

    "Oh my God!!! What did her mother say when she saw you making love to her daughter?"

    "Baaaaaaa."



    .

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    Default Tampons

    Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine year old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out.

    The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?"

    The nine year old replies "Nope, not for my mom."

    Without thinking, the cashier responded "Well, they must be for your sister then?"

    The nine year old quipped, "Nope, not for my sister either."

    The cashier had now become curious "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister, who are they for?"

    The nine year old says "They're for my four year old little brother."

    The cashier is surprised "Your four year old little brother??"

    The nine year old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these you can swim or ride a bike and my little brother can't do either of them!"

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  • #151
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    hope this one gives u a buzz ppl

    this young lady really liked bees, so much she decided to get a tattoo of one on her bum cheek.
    off she went to the the tattooist and asked him to tattoo a bee on her left bum cheek.
    the tattooist is busy giving the lady the tattoo and she sez to him, " i like bees so much i think you should tattoo another bee on the right cheek too please".
    so he does the second tattoo as well. she hurrys home to proudly show her boyfriend. when she gets home she says to him i have to show you something.
    she drops her pants and bends over to give him the full view of the tatts.
    she then asks him, "what do you think of that?"
    he replies, "just one question, who the f*ck is bob?"

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  • #152
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    was just looking at this site and thought to post it here, has some funny riddles.

    giggle snack giggle
    treble

  • #153
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    The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were 3 finalists.

    Two men and a woman

    For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

    'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.

    Kill Her!!!'

    'The man said, 'You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife'

    The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

    The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.'

    The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

    Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

    She took the gun and went into the room.

    Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.

    After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, She wiped the sweat from her brow.

    'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said.

    'I had to beat him to death with the chair.'


    MORAL: Women are evil

    DONT MESS WITH THEM!!
    Old Dog, No Flies

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  • #154
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    Default

    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    Default when chicks don't want to put out

    I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

    FOR EXAMPLE:

    One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

    I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

    So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...

    'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

    She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

    Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

    The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

    We went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

    I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
    dear, let's go to the cashier.'

    I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

    Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'

    I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'

    And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

    Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch knows I'm smarter than her.

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  • #156
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    Default The Blonde Mortician

    Blonde Mortician..................


    A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive,
    expertly tailored black suit.

    The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the
    body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the
    black suit he is already wearing.

    The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his
    best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde
    mortician a blank cheque and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please
    have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

    The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her
    husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe;
    the suit fits him perfectly.

    She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did
    an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To
    her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank cheque.

    'There's no charge,' she says.

    'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue
    suit!' she says.

    'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased
    gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly
    after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I
    asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit
    instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


    'So I just switched the heads.'

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  • #157
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    Whats the difference between us australians and americans....they like us
    Last edited by FTO King; 16-07-08 at 02:47 PM.

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    Oh sure, FTO King!

    Well just because WE like you, here's somthing to make you smile!


    Proof that men have better friends than women

    Friendship among Women:
    A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

    Friendship among Men:
    A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there!

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    A few Short ones:
    _____________

    Why are women like clouds?

    Eventually they f**k off and it's a really nice day.

    _____________

    Whats the difference between light and hard?

    You can sleep with a light on.

    _____________

    Zebo, a half blind 5 year old crippled Ugandan orphan has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only 1 leg on a bicylce with buckled wheels and no brakes.

    Please give a small donation of $5.00 and we'll send you the video, it's f**king hilarious.

    _____________

    A man walks into the library and askes for a book on suicide.
    The librarian say "No way! you won't bring it back."
    _____________

    2 men are in a pub and one is riding a mechanical bull, he lasts over 15 minutes.
    "Crickey mate, that was impressive"
    "I get lots of practice mate," Reply the other guy. "The missus is epileptic"

    _____________

    My old man was watching "Everyone loves Raymond" on TV with his sunglasses on one day, I asked him why.

    He said "I can't stand this show, so I wear my Ray-Bans, that way I don't see him."



    .

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  • #160
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    Default

    Did you make some of these up Globe?

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