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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #161
    Junior Member master_billy_quizboy's Avatar
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    Knock Knock

    Who;s there

    No one

    No one who?



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    Senior Member Globe's Avatar
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    @ Biggun. Theres plenty of room for your jokes in this thread if you don't like mine.

    ************************************************** ************************************************** ******************

    Lady Diana and Pamela Anderson die on the same day, and they both go before St.Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so St. Peter must decide which of them gets in.

    St. Peter asks Pamela if there's some particular reason why she should go to heaven, so she takes off her top and says, "Look at these. They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please him to be able to see them every day for eternity."

    St. Peter thanks Pamela, and asks Diana the same question. Diana drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. St. Peter says, "OK, Diana, you may go in. Have a nice day."

    Pamela is outraged. She screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's own creations, she performs a disgusting, pornographic act, and she gets in and I don't?!!!"

    "Sorry, Pamela, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."

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  • #163
    Senior Member Biggun's Avatar
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    Globe, I generally like all of your jokes, but Ray-bans come on! lol

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    Senior Member Globe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Biggun View Post
    Globe, I generally like all of your jokes, but Ray-bans come on! lol
    yeah that one is pretty crap.



    Some funny pics!!!


















    ]

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    whats the difference between fat and cholesterol?

    have you ever woken up with a cholesterol?
    Last edited by treble; 26-07-08 at 08:21 PM. Reason: spelling

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    Just watching the news. A convicted sex offender has just won 6 mil in the lottery. Asked what he will buy with his money. His reply was, a puppy and a van

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    Default Things That Are Difficult To Say When You're Drunk

    THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Indubitably
    Innovative
    Preliminary
    Cinnamon

    THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Specificity
    British
    Constitution
    Passive-aggressive disorder
    Loquacious
    Transubstantiate

    THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
    Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
    Nope, no more booze for me
    Sorry, but you're not really my type
    Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
    Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing

    Edit: WooHoo, 100th post!

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    Junior Member flicker's Avatar
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    Default tragedy

    Prime Minister Kevin Rudd visited a primary school and went into one of the classes.



    They were in the middle of a discussion about words and their meanings.



    The teacher asked the Prime Minister whether he would like to lead the discussion about the word 'tragedy'.

    So our illustrious leader from Queensland asked the class for an example of a tragedy.



    One little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a tragedy''



    'No,' said Kevin from Queensland, 'that would be an accident'.



    A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children was driven over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.'



    'I'm afraid not,' explained the Prime Minister, 'that's what we would call a great loss.'



    The room went silent. No other children volunteered.



    Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?'



    Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand... In a quiet voice he said: 'If an aeroplane carrying you and Ms Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy'.



    'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin from Queensland. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'



    'Well,' says the boy, ' it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f -------- accident either'.



    regards flicker

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    A guy sits down in a Cafe and asks for the hot chilli. The waitress says, "The guy next to you got the last bowl."

    So, he gets a cup of coffee. Then he sees that the guy next to him has finished his meal, but the chilli bowl is still full. He says, "Are you going to eat that?"

    The other guy says, "No. You can have it."

    The guy takes it and starts to eat it. When he gets about half way down, he sees a dead mouse in it, and he pukes the chilli back into the bowl.

    The other guy says, "That's about as far as I got, too."

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    During Spring Break, a doctor at a college campus is giving free physicals for one week only.
    On the first day a girl comes into his office, and the doctor asks her to remove her shirt.
    The girl proceeds and the doctor immediately notices a large A imprint in the middle of her chest.
    The doctor asks, "How did you get that A on your chest?"
    The girl responds by saying that her boyfriend goes to the Univeristy of Alabama, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
    The doctor finds this rather strange, but just shrugs it off.

    On the second day he sees another girl and when she removed her shirt the doctor noticed a large I imprint on her chest.
    The doctor asks, "How did you get that I on your chest?"
    The girl tells the doctor that her boyfriend goes to the university of Iowa, and when they make love, he likes to keep his letterman's jacket on.
    The doctor then begins to wonder if all college students keep their lettermans jacket on during intercourse, but just shrugs it off.

    On the third day another girl comes in and she removes her shirt.
    Sure enough, there is a large W imprint, but on the womens stomach.
    The doctor, thinking he's quick on his feet, blurts out, "Let me guess, your boyfriend goes to the University of Wisconsin!"
    The girl pauses a moment and replies, "No, my girlfriend goes to the University of Minnesota..."

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    Default The Marines - Obama

    ONE SUNNY DAY AN OLD MAN APPROACHED THE WHITE HOUSE FROM ACROSS PENNSYLVANIA AVENUE , WHERE HE'D BEEN SITTING ON A PARK BENCH.

    He spoke to the Marine standing guard and said, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.

    The Marine replied, Sir, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here.

    The old man said, Okay,and walked away. The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.

    The Marine again told the man, Sir, as I said yesterday, Mr. Obama is not President and doesn't reside here. The man thanked him and again walked away.

    The third day, the same man approached the White House and spoke to the very same Marine, saying I would like to go in and meet with President Barack Obama.

    The Marine, understandably agitated at this point, looked at the man and said, Sir, this is the third day in a row you have been here asking to speak to Mr. Obama. I've told you already several times that Mr. Obama is not the President and doesn't reside here. Don't you understand?

    The old man answered, Oh, I understand you fine. I just love hearing your answer!

    The Marine snapped to attention, saluted, and said, See you tomorrow, Sir!

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    Default I'm in BIG Trouble with the wife.

    I am in big trouble with my wife. I forgot to open the car door for her.



    I just panicked and swam straight to the surface.

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  • #173
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    The other day I was in the pub having a few quiet beers by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on - 5'9'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

    After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down.

    She said "Hi", and I said "Hi" in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. "So, does that make you feel good?" she asked. "I'll bet you feel good," she continued. "In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before." "Well, I have," I corrected her. "You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good."

    I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast.

    "How do you feel now," she purred. "OK" I replied. Again, she said, "I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!"

    Unbelievably I heard myself saying "Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it. I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, palmed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, cipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds ‘till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and..."

    "Ahhh..." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, and pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton, and she was wet!!

    She snapped, "Well tell me this, Smart Ass... have you ever felt such a ****?" "I certainly have" I answered, "I missed the kick!".
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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    [might have been posted already -sorry if it has]

    A man goes into a department store to buy a barbie doll for his daughters fifth birthday.

    Apon entering the store a salesmen asks if he can be off any assistance the father says That would be great as I dont know much about barbie dolls and I need one for my daughters fifth birthday.

    The salesman takes the father to the barbie doll section and says this our collection of barbie dolls...

    The father gazes at all the different barbie dolls and says to the salesman, wow I really did not know there were so many different barbie dolls.

    the salesman than says "oh yes sir" we have a full stock of all the barbie dolls that matel has to offer please feel free to ask any questions

    the father starts to look at all the different barbie dolls on the shelf's

    he sees ...

    sporty barbie, with her tracksuit outfit and matching tennis racquet $29.95

    princess barbie, with her sparkly tiara pink dress and white stalon $29.95

    racer barbie, with her racing suit and pink race car $29.95

    swimwear barbie, with her two piece blue bikini and miniature cocktail $29.95

    glamour barbie, with he silky designer red dress and high heels $29.95

    he then notices one barbie doll dressed in a plain white t-shirt and blue jeans $200

    the father says why is that barbie doll $200 dollars and it does not even come with any accessories

    the salesman says, Oh no I'm sorry sir, thats "ken's ex wife", it comes with kens house, kens car, kens plasma screen, kens stereo and even ken's best friend.
    If you feed ducks at a pond, chances are your bound to feed a goose or two without even knowing it.

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    Junior Member Spiritinthesky's Avatar
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    Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here".
    "I gave up drugs when the doctor told me I had 6 months to live" Keith Richards

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    Junior Member Spiritinthesky's Avatar
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    A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories.

    After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
    "I gave up drugs when the doctor told me I had 6 months to live" Keith Richards

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    Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive
    double-pane energy-efficient kind. Yesterday, I got a call from the
    contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the windows had
    been installed a whole year ago and I hadn't paid for them yet.

    Now just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

    So I told him just exactly what his fast-talking sales guy had told ME
    last year, namely, that in just ONE YEAR these windows would pay for
    themselves!


    'Helllooooo! !' (I told him). 'It's been a year!'

    There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just
    hung up...he hasn't called back, probably too embarrassed about
    forgetting the guarantee they made me.

    Bet he won't underestimate my intelligence again!
    Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"

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  • #178
    Senior Member Globe's Avatar
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    Default The Evils Of Alcohol.

    A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of alcohol, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey and two worms. “Now, class. Observe closely the worms,” said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.

    The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

    “Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?” the professor asked.

    Little Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded…

    “Drink whiskey and you won’t get worms!”

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  • #179
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    Default

    What do the bulldogs and Cher have in common..

    They have both been F@$Ked By Sonny
    Old Dog, No Flies

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  • #180
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    Default The Right Answer

    You are driving down the road in your Porsche on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

    1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

    2. An old friend who once saved your life.

    3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

    Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Porsche? Think before you continue reading.

    This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

    YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.' Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

    HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



    God, I just love happy endings!
    Old Dog, No Flies

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