Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #9721
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    In an effort to avoid racial stereotypes, Uncle Ben's rice has been force to embark on a multi million dollar re-branding.

    Uncle Adolf's should be in all major supermarkets by christmas.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (26-09-20),gulliver (26-09-20),hazman (27-09-20),hinekadon (26-09-20),Johnno (26-09-20),Keith (27-09-20)



  • #9722
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,119
    Thanks
    5,297
    Thanked 7,919 Times in 1,282 Posts
    Rep Power
    3336
    Reputation
    154722

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (26-09-20),gulliver (26-09-20),hazman (27-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (26-09-20),Keith (27-09-20),lsemmens (27-09-20)

  • #9723
    Senior Member
    fromaron's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    2,133
    Thanks
    268
    Thanked 732 Times in 387 Posts
    Rep Power
    543
    Reputation
    13794

    Default

    Victorian government Covid disaster handling is supported by 62% of Victorians.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to fromaron For This Useful Post:

    DB44 (04-10-20),enf (26-09-20),hazman (27-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (26-09-20),Keith (27-09-20)

  • #9724
    Senior Member
    Johnno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1,243
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked 2,226 Times in 580 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    44531

    Default


  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Johnno For This Useful Post:

    enf (26-09-20),gulliver (27-09-20),hazman (27-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Keith (27-09-20),lsemmens (27-09-20),RFI-EMI-GUY (28-09-20)

  • #9725
    Senior Member
    Johnno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1,243
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked 2,226 Times in 580 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    44531

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Johnno For This Useful Post:

    enf (27-09-20),gulliver (27-09-20),hazman (27-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Keith (27-09-20),lsemmens (27-09-20),SS Dave (27-09-20),william10 (27-09-20)

  • #9726
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    What do you call a basement full of feminists?

    A whine cellar.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-09-20),DB44 (04-10-20),gulliver (29-09-20),hazman (28-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (28-09-20),Keith (28-09-20),lsemmens (28-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20),SS Dave (28-09-20)

  • #9727
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    I’ve just read the 10 best things to do in Victoria.

    1. Leave

    ...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-09-20),DB44 (04-10-20),gulliver (29-09-20),hazman (28-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (28-09-20),Keith (28-09-20),lsemmens (28-09-20),SS Dave (28-09-20),Tiny (29-09-20)

  • #9728
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    A bloke is sitting in the bar at a busy airport.
    A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.
    He presumes, because she's got a uniform on, she's probably an off duty flight attendant.
    So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.
    He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto: "We love to fly and it shows".
    The woman looks at him blankly.
    He sits back and thinks up another line.
    He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: "Winning the hearts of the world".
    Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.
    Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: "Going beyond expectations".
    The woman looks at him sternly and says: "What the #### do you want dickhead?"
    "Ah!" he says, sitting back with a smile on his face... "British Airways!".

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (28-09-20),enf (28-09-20),gulliver (30-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (28-09-20),Keith (28-09-20),lsemmens (29-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20),Tiny (29-09-20),william10 (28-09-20)

  • #9729
    Senior Member
    Johnno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1,243
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked 2,226 Times in 580 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    44531

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Johnno For This Useful Post:

    DB44 (04-10-20),enf (29-09-20),gulliver (29-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Keith (29-09-20),lsemmens (29-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20),SS Dave (29-09-20),Tiny (29-09-20)

  • #9730
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (29-09-20),hazman (29-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (29-09-20),Keith (29-09-20),lsemmens (30-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20),RogerTheDoger (29-09-20),SS Dave (29-09-20)

  • #9731
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    A French, a German and an Italian spy are captured one day.
    The captors grab the French spy, take him to the next room and tie his hands behind a chair.
    They then proceed to torture him for 2 hours before he finally cracks, answers all questions and gives up all of his secrets.
    The captors then grab the German spy. They tie his hands behind the chair in the next room too and torture him for 4 hours before he finally cracks and tells them what they want to know.
    They then grabbed the Italian spy. Once again, they tie his hands behind the chair and begin torturing.4 hours go by and the spy isn’t talking. Then 8 hours, then 16 and after 24 hours they give up and throw him back into the cell.
    The German and French spy are impressed and ask him how he managed to not talk.
    The Italian spy says, ” I wanted to, but I couldn’t move my hands.”

  • The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (29-09-20),ammlione (29-09-20),Awjay (29-09-20),DB44 (04-10-20),enf (29-09-20),gulliver (29-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Johnno (29-09-20),Keith (30-09-20),lsemmens (30-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20),SS Dave (29-09-20)

  • #9732
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default

    A blind guy walks into a shop, picks up his dog and starts swinging it around his head.

    "Are you OK ? Can I help you ? " asked the shopkeeper.

    "No thanks....I'm just looking around" replied the blind guy.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (29-09-20),enf (29-09-20),gulliver (30-09-20),Johnno (29-09-20),Keith (30-09-20),lsemmens (30-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20)

  • #9733
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    Hunter Biden is under scrutiny for dodgy financial dealings.

    The difference between Joe Biden and Donald Trump? Donald Trump knows who Hunter Biden is.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    DB44 (04-10-20),gulliver (30-09-20),hazman (29-09-20),Johnno (29-09-20),Keith (30-09-20),lsemmens (30-09-20),OSIRUS (29-09-20)

  • #9734
    Senior Member
    Johnno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1,243
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked 2,226 Times in 580 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    44531

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Johnno For This Useful Post:

    enf (29-09-20),gulliver (30-09-20),hazman (30-09-20),hinekadon (30-09-20),Keith (30-09-20),lsemmens (30-09-20),OSIRUS (01-10-20),SS Dave (29-09-20),Tiny (30-09-20)

  • #9735
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    The only thing I take seriously in the newspapers nowadays is Fish and Chips.

    And even that I take with a pinch of salt.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    alpha0ne (30-09-20),DB44 (04-10-20),gulliver (01-10-20),hazman (01-10-20),hinekadon (01-10-20),Johnno (30-09-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (01-10-20),OSIRUS (01-10-20),SS Dave (30-09-20),william10 (02-10-20)

  • #9736
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    DB44 (04-10-20),hazman (01-10-20),hinekadon (01-10-20),Johnno (01-10-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (01-10-20),OSIRUS (01-10-20),SS Dave (01-10-20)

  • #9737
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    alpha0ne (01-10-20),enf (01-10-20),gulliver (01-10-20),hinekadon (02-10-20),Johnno (01-10-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (03-10-20),william10 (02-10-20)

  • #9738
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (01-10-20),gulliver (01-10-20),Johnno (01-10-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (03-10-20)

  • #9739
    Senior Member
    Johnno's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    The Dark Side of the Moon
    Posts
    1,243
    Thanks
    1,595
    Thanked 2,226 Times in 580 Posts
    Rep Power
    1129
    Reputation
    44531

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Johnno For This Useful Post:

    enf (01-10-20),gulliver (02-10-20),hazman (03-10-20),hinekadon (02-10-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (03-10-20),SS Dave (01-10-20),william10 (02-10-20)

  • #9740
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,753
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,963 Times in 9,059 Posts
    Rep Power
    13678
    Reputation
    644469

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    hazman (03-10-20),Johnno (02-10-20),Keith (03-10-20),lsemmens (03-10-20),SS Dave (02-10-20),webtech (02-10-20)

  • Page 487 of 635 FirstFirst ... 387437477478479480481482483484485486487488489490491492493494495496497537587 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •