The English language is amazing. Just doubling a consonant in a noun completely changes its meaning:
bladder - a membranous sac in humans and other animals, in which urine is collected for excretion
blader - a person who skates on in-line skates
platter - a large flat dish or plate, typically oval or circular in shape, used for serving food
plater - a person who forges, rolls, or casts metal in sheets usually thicker than ¹/₄ inch
rapper - a nigger
raper - a nigger
....umm...hang on....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A young couple got married and went on a cruise for their honeymoon. When they got back home the bride immediately called her mom, who lived three hours away.
“Well, darling,” said her Mom, “How was your honeymoon?”
“It was wonderful, and so romantic. We had a great time,” said the bride, but as soon as we got home he started using really horrible language. Words I have never heard before. Really horrible four-letter words! You’ve got to come get me…PLEASE.”
Then the bride began to sob over the phone. “PLEASE, mom come get me!” begged the bride.
“But honey what did he say, what 4-letter words, you have to tell me what’s troubling you,” said her mom. Still sobbing the bride said to her mother… “Words like…. DUST, IRON, COOK, WASH!”
I have been forced to locate a new home for a dog.
It's a small cute terrier, though it tends to bark a lot. If you're interested, let me know and I'll jump over next door's fence and get the noisy little f*cker for you.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Queensland Police officer stopped at a farm in Maleny, and talked with an old farmer who was working on his tractor.
He told the farmer, "i have suspicion that there is cannabis growing on your property and I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs right now."
The old timer said, "Okay officer , but please don't go in that field over there.", as he pointed out the location.
The Queensland Cop verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the State and Federal Government with me !" He instantly opened his police wallet to produce his badge and arrogantly displayed it in the farmers face.
"See this badge mate?! This badge means I am allowed by law to go wherever I wish....
On any land!
No questions asked!
Do you understand ?!!"
The farmer nodded politely, apologised, he continued working on his tractor. A short time later, the old farmer heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the cop running for his life, being chased by the farmer's big Brahman bull with the biggest horns in town...... With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified. The old timer threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs..... "Your badge, show him your BADGE!!"
Maybe if we under-paid those modern mumble Rappers and over-paid Teachers, We would have smarter kids and less sh!tty music.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
To anyone who did one of those Facebook IQ Profile tests.
Turns out you're stupid!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.
"8 or 9 at least." I said.
"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, Babe, I'm flattered."
Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Admins FIL Jokes Page 2;
Admins FIL Jokes Page 2;
I take no responsibility for these offerings, just have a laugh or change the channel. lol.
What did one ovary say to the other ovary?
There must be a party down below - 2 nuts are trying to push an organ up the passage.
What's red & black & sits in a tree?
A crow with a fat.
Who invented the Female body?
The Board of Works - who else would put the sewer next to the playground.
Did you here about the Irish cocksucker?
He choked to death on the feathers.
How do you titillate an Ocelot?
Oscillate it's tits a lot.
How does a french girl hold her liquor?
By the ears.
What's got more holes than a crumpet?
Snow White's hymen.
Why did Snow White remain a Virgin?
Because all the Dwarfs are f#cking dopey
What's white & comes in a black box?
Roger Cawley.
What's the definition of suspicion?
When your hot dog's got veins.
What's the similarity between a Tortoise & a girl?
When they're on their backs they're both f#cked.
What's the similarity between a frypan hanging on the wall & a girls knickers?
You have to pull them down to get the fat into them.
What does a wombat do?
Eats roots & leaves.
What goes black white black white white white white white?
A priest wanking.
Why can't you circumcise Mal Fraser?
Because there's no end to the prick.
Did you here about the guy with five pricks?
His underpants fitted him like a glove.
What's worse than grease on a Greek?
Come on Aussie
What did the vampire say to the school teacher?
See you next period.
What goes black red black red black red black white?
An abo wanking.
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
SENIORS UNDERSTANDING DIRECTIONS
I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists' high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.
The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?
Seeing a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request. He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: "HELL NO!!!"
I said, "Oh, thank God! That's a real relief!
My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!"
I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don't care, because they aren't very friendly there anymore!
I was chatting to a guy at work the other day and he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men .
He ended up pretty annoyed with me and I can't understand why.
I only asked " if they reared him together or took turns ".
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
One day a woman carrying triplets went into labor. Her husband was out fishing and had the car for the day so the woman had to walk to the hospital just a few blocks away. She decided to take a shortcut through an alley. While she was walking through, she was shot in the stomach. The woman however, survived the ordeal with her three children unscathed.
16 years later, one of the children, who is a girl, went to the mother and said, “Mom, Mom, guess what? I peed a bullet.” So the mother told her daughter the story of how she was shot.
The next day, another one of the triplets, who is also a girl, goes to her mother and tells her, “Mom, Mom, I just peed a bullet.” So again, the mother tells her other daughter the story of how she was shot. The next day the third triplet, who is a boy, comes to the mother. The mother said, “Let me guess, you peed a bullet.”
“No,” the son said, “I was jacking off and I shot the dog!”
Johnnie asked for time off because his wife was going to have a baby.
The following day, his boss asked him what it was – a boy or a girl.
“Too early to say,” said Johnny.”
“it’ll be another 9 months before we know the answer to that.”
Gave the wife a handmade bra that I'd got from a craft fair, and told her it was made from sheepdog hair.
"Aww, how sweet" she giggled. "Is that to keep my boobies nice and warm?"
"No, but it'll round them up and point them in the right direction."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Smacked the missus on the arse last night.
"into the bedroom with you wench" I said.
She giggled "Oh you horny devil"
"No, seriously" I said. "Bugger off, the footy's about to start."
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