SEX ___________That brings on thoughts of old age
When you go to the doctor, and realise that you now have to pay someone to look at you naked.
Old is when you don't care where your spouse goes, as long as you don't have to go along too.
Old people at weddings used to nudge me and say “You’re next”, so I started doing the same thing to them at funerals!
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Congratulations to the European Super League clubs for breaking the record of the 1940 French team for fastest ever surrender.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"May I help you?"
"I hope so. I can't see a toilet for my gender identity, only for men and women."
"Here, have a tampon."
"But I don't have a vagina."
"Mens it is, then."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
My wife said we should split up because I keep pretending to be a detective.
"Great idea," I said. "We can cover more ground that way."
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Why I Like Retirement!
Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Two hours after falling asleep on the couch.
Question: How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
Retirement isn't all it's cracked up to be, I can't work out how I ever found the time to go to work!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
As a singer I sing at many funerals & I was recently asked by a funeral director to play & sing at a graveside service for a homeless man.
He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery out in the country.
As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw that the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to sing.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I sang from my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
As I sang “Amazing Grace”, the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my keyboard and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I’ve never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost….
woman answered her front door and found two little boys holding a list.
"Lady," one of them explained, "we're on a scavenger hunt, and we still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging hunt?"
"Our baby-sitter's boyfriend."
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"How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue... and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?"
---Rita Rudner
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Sign seen in an animal shelter: "All children left unattended will be given a free kitten."
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Tower: "Virgin 702, cleared for takeoff, contact departure on 124.7."
Virgin 702: "Tower, Virgin 702 switching to departure ... by the way, after we lifted off, we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Qantas 635, cleared for takeoff. Contact departure on 124.7; did you copy the report from Virgin?"
Qantas 635: "Qantas 635, cleared for takeoff roger; and yes, we copied Virgin. We've already notified our caterers."
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A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to stop at a little cottage and ask for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running
around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention.
The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
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One gossip to another: "It's my policy never to say anything about anyone unless it's something good. And boy is this ever good!"
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From Roger
Q: Did you hear about the two silk worms that had a race?
A: It was a tie
Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they always use honeycombs.
Q: Did you hear about the robbery in the laundry room?
A: Two clothespins held up a pair of pants.
Q: Where would you look when purchasing felines via mail order?
A: In a Cat-a-log.
Q: What kind of school does a carpenter go to?
A: Boarding school.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
What do you call an Indian train carriage with only a hundred people on the roof?
First class.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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