I took the missus to Specsavers yesterday.
Even THEY couldn't see why I married her.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.
He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says. 'Perfect timing. You're just like Phil.'
Passenger: 'Who?'
Cabbie: Phil Donaldson. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to
Phil, every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody'
Cabbie: Not Phil Donaldson. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won
a Grand-Slam in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera
baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play
the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer He remembered
everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which
fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse,
and the whole street blacks out. But Phil Donaldson, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid
Traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Phil, he
never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her
feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and
his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the
perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Phil Donaldson.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Phil, he died. I unfortunately married his ####ing widow!'
They recommend changing passwords every 6 months!!
Senior Trying To Reset A Password
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
USER: cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER : 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
USER: 50####ingboiledcabbages
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
USER : 50####INGboiledcabbages
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
USER :50####ingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDon'tG iveMeAccessNow!
WINDOWS : Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
USER :ReallyPissedOff50####ingBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYou rAssIfYouDontGiveMeAccessNow
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Friday funnies with Admins Father-in-Law.
Admins FIL Jokes Page 6;
I take no responsibility for these offerings, yes some are offensive, just have a laugh or change the channel. lol.
This page will really offend, only 8 pages to go! lol
Why do Irish people eat pickles?
Because they can't get their head into the jars.
What do you do in the case of fallout?
Put it back in & take shorter strokes.
Why don't Italians eat fleas?
Because they can't get their legs apart.
Why did God make urine yellow & come white?
So the Irish could tell if they are coming or going.
How do you get an Iranian girl pregnant?
Come on her shoes & let the flies do the rest.
What has six legs & eats pussy?
You, me & Billy Jean King.
What's that brown stuff between Elephants toes?
Slow natives.
What's better than roses on your piano?
Two lips on your organ.
What do you get when you cross a nigger with a Gorilla?
A dumb Gorilla.
What does it say inside a niggers lips?
Inflate to 20 psi.
Did you here about the new Irish parachute?
It opens on impact.
Why do Brixton coons have such small steering wheels?
So they can drive with handcuffs on.
What's the difference between a Jew & a Pizza?
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.
Why do Jews have such big noses?
Because air is free.
Why did the Pakistani trade his wife in for an outhouse?
Because the hole was smaller & the smell was better.
What did Adam say to Eve?
Stand back I don't know how big this thing is.
What goes into thirteen twice?
Roman Polanski.
Why don't Italians have freckles?
They slide off.
What do you have when you're up to your ankles in niggers?
Afro-turf.
What's old & wrinkled & smells like Ginger Rogers?
Fred Astairs face.
Last edited by Tiny; 20-04-18 at 11:00 AM.
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
1970 - Spoiled little prick who needs a good slap to snap him back to reality.
2018 - ADHD
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Man prior to marriage - dude.
Man after marriage - Subdued.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
irritant (26-04-18)
I guess he's changed his mind . . . ?
I thought slash and burn was a primitive method of farming.
Until I caught the clap.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
By funding our nuclear program with your purchase of MAGA merchandise made in China & Korea.
What Confucius did not say!
Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.
Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.
Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.
Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets exhausted.
Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.
War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.
Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.
Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
Finally CONFUCIUS DID SAY. . ...
"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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