Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    Last edited by irritant; 07-09-19 at 08:54 AM. Reason: replace
    True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.

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    Me: "Good looking dog you've got there"

    Policeman: "Yes, this is our new drug-sniffing dog."

    Me: "Still in training, huh?"

    Policeman: "What do you mean?"

    Me: "Nevermind.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ..

    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

    Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

    You wanna try it?'

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

    Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '

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    Quote Originally Posted by alpha0ne View Post
    Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia ..

    One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

    Dave said, 'Man, I wish we had something to drink!'

    Jim says, 'Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz.

    You wanna try it?'

    So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

    The next morning Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.

    In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects.

    Nothing!

    Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, 'Hey, how do you feel this morning?'

    Dave says, 'I feel great, how about you?'

    Jim says, 'I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?'

    Dave says, 'No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..'

    ' Yeah, well there's just one thing.'

    'What's that?'

    'Have you farted yet?'

    'No.'

    'Well, DON'T - cause I'm in New Zealand '
    That is one very old joke.
    First heard it in the 60's.

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    Not really a joke more of a fact.

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    At the cinema last night, I flicked a few peanuts at this girl sitting in front of me for a laugh.

    She didn't half over-react!

    'Anaphylactic shock,' the paramedics called it.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The High Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Canberra this Christmas season.

    This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capital. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Mick " I'm having trouble with this crossword. How do you spell paint? "

    Paddy " What colour?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Wife: " Honey, come quick. The Vaccum cleaners not working. It just won't suck. "

    Husband, lowering the paper: " It must have got married while we were out shopping. "
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    You Think you know stress?

    When I grew up,

    If you missed a TV show you missed it.

    Forever!
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Last edited by hinekadon; 11-09-19 at 08:20 AM. Reason: wrong

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Sorry.. not really a joke, more a truism !

    Last edited by alpha0ne; 11-09-19 at 02:59 PM.

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