After a long time,Police officer Jesse visits his old aunt . As he sits on the canape, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table.
“Mind if I have a few?” Jesse asks.
“No, not at all!” the old woman replied.
They talked about health of the old woman for half an hour and, as Jesse stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl.
“I’m really sorry for eating all your peanuts auntie. I really just meant to eat a few.”
“Oh, that’s all right,” his aunt says. “Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them.”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says,
"Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, ..a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!"
Recently, while I was working on the flower beds in my front yard, my Green votong neighbors stopped for a chat as they returned from walking their dog.
During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be Prime Minister some day.
Both her parents, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were Prime Minister, what would be the first thing you would do?"
She replied, "I would give food and houses to all the homeless people." Her parents beamed with pride!
"Wow! What a worthy goal!" I said. "But you don't have to wait until you're Prime Minister to do that."
"What do you mean?" she replied. So I told her, "You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds and trim the hedge, and I'll pay you $50. Then you can go over to the local mall where that homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay HIM the $50 directly?"
I smiled and said, "Welcome to Australia as it SHOULD be!!"
Her parents and I don't speak much anymore.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two priests decided to go to Hawaii on vacation.
They were determined to make this a real vacation by not Wearing anything that would identify them as clergy. As soon As the plane landed they headed for a store and bought some Really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, etc.
The next morning they went to the beach Dressed in their 'tourist' garb. They were sitting on beach Chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the scenery when A 'drop dead gorgeous' blonde in a topless bikini came Walking straight towards them..They couldn't help but stare.
As the blonde passed them she smiled and said 'Good Morning, Father ~ Good Morning, Father,' nodding and addressing each Of them individually, then she passed on by. They were both Stunned. How in the world did she know they were priests? So The next day, they went back to the store and bought even More outrageous outfits.
These were so loud you could hear them before you even saw Them! Once again, in their new attire, they settled down in Their chairs to enjoy the sunshine. After a little while, The same gorgeous blonde, wearing a different colored Topless bikini, taking her sweet time, came walking toward Them. Again she nodded at each of them, and said 'Good morning, Father ~ Good morning, Father,' and started To walk away. One of the priests couldn't stand it any Longer and said, 'Just a minute, young lady.' 'Yes, Father?'
'We are priests and proud of it, but I have to know, how in The world do you know we are priests, dressed as we are?' She replied,
'Father, it's me, --- Sister Kathleen.'
Sent from my BLA-L29 using Tapatalk
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Fred gets married and on his wedding night he calls his Father for some tips on what to do, since he has never been with a woman before.
“So what do I do first?”
His father replied, “Take her clothes off and lay her on the bed.”
5 minutes later Fred’s on the phone again.
“She’s naked and in bed, what do I do now???
His father can’t believe what he is hearing, “Take your damn clothes off and get into bed with her.”
After another 5 minutes poor Fred is on the phone again.
“Dad, I’m naked and in bed with her, what do I do now?”
His dad’s patience is now running thin so he says, “Shit son! Do I have to spell everything out for you? Just put the hardest thing on your body where she pees. Goodnight!!!”
Just when the old man starts snoring, his son is on the phone once again. “Ok Dad, I have my head in the toilet bowl what do I do next”
“DROWN YOURSELF, YOU F**KING IDIOT!
My vacuum cleaner stopped working. I stuck a Collingwood sticker on it and now it sucks again.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
True freedom is the greatest gift a man can possess, yet is the one thing most easily and innocently given away, to crafty curses and binds cleverly disguised as blessings and gifts, in the pursuit of supposed achievement, status and power.
Already in the Trump Stupidity thread......Originally Posted by hazman
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Adolf Gets Soul........
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An airplane captain Zouma was helping a new flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip.
Upon their arrival, Zouma showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shopping, and stay overnight. The next morning as Zouma was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new hostess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.
The blonde hostess answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of the room!” Zouma can’t believe what he heard and asks,
“You can’t get out of your room? Why you can’t ?”
The new hostess answers, “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the men’s delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
”Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. ”All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”
”He’s happy now,” says the nurse. “But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
Does this set the record for the most repeated joke in this thread ?
No comments in this thread please Reschs....
And yeah, it's close. It was an Elton John joke a couple of weeks ago...
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
While golfing, a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon.
A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lives in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and was calling out as she rushed across to check, "Are you OK?", she asks
"I’m OK, thanks," he replied, a little stunned, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart.
She said, "This must have shaken you up. You had best come up to my villa, rest a while and I’ll help you get the cart up later."
The old guy looked at her. She was attractive and he noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure.
"Really that’s very considerate of you," he answered, "but I am ok and I don’t think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive and (of course) he weakened to the idea.
"Well, OK," he finally agreed.
After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I am feel a lot better now. I must get back. I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now."
"Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?"
He replied, "Oh, still under the cart, I expect."
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, “Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, “What would you want to talk about?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” said the atheist. “How about why there is no God, or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?” as he smiled smugly.
“Okay,” she said. “Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff – grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?”
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl’s intelligence, thinks about it and says, “Hmmm, I have no idea.”
To which the little girl replies, “Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don’t know crap?”
And then she went back to reading her book.
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks