The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession. “Of course, my son,” said the priest.
“Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.”
“That’s a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess,” said the priest.
“It’s worse than that, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors,” continued the old man.
“Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk -you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly,” said the priest.
“Thanks, Father,” said the old man.
“That’s a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?”
“Of course, my son,” said the priest.
The old man asked, “Do I need to tell her that the war is over?”
Reporter: "Excuse me, may I interview you?"
Man: "Yes!"
Reporter: "Name?"
Man: "Abdul Al-Rhazim."
Reporter: "Sex?"
Man: "Three to five times a week."
Reporter: "No no! I mean male or female?"
Man: "Yes, male, female... sometimes camel."
Reporter: "Holy cow!"
Man, a little angrily: "Yes,Yes, cow, sheep... animals in general."
Reporter: "Are you getting hostile?"
Man, more angrily: "Yes, YES... horse style, dog style, any style."
Reporter: "Oh dear!"
Man: "NO, no deer. Deer run too fast. Hard to catch."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A Texan visitor to England asked an Englishman to show him the biggest building in town.
“There it is,” said the Englishman. “It’s quite impressive, I must admit.”
“You call that big?” scoffed the Texan. “Back in Texas we have buildings just like that but over a hundred times bigger!”
“I’m not surprised,” said the Englishman. “That’s the local lunatic asylum!”
A Texan was standing admiring the beauty of Niagara Falls when a New Yorker standing next to him said sarcastically: “I bet you don’t have anything like this in Texas.”
“No,” said the Texan, “but we’ve got plumbers who could fix it!”
The other day my wife opened the front door in her nightie,
I thought "That's a funny place to have a door"
A black Jewish boy runs home from school one day and asks his father, “Daddy, am I more Jewish or more black?”
The dad replies, “Why do you want to know, son?”
“Because a kid at school is selling a bike for $50 and I want to know if I should talk him down to $40 or just steal it!”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A young lady, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of live frogs. The sign says:
“S.x Frogs! Only $20 each!
Money Back Guarantee!
Comes with complete instructions.”
The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her. She whispers softly to the man behind the counter,”I’ll take one.”
The man packages the frog and says, “Just follow the instructions.” The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, she reads the instructions and reads them very carefully. She does exactly what is specified:
1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice perfume.
3. Slip into a very s.xy nightie.
4. Crawl into bed and place the frog down beside you and allow the frog to follow it’s training.
She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens!
The girl is very disappointed and quite upset at this point. She rereads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, “If you have a problems or questions, please call the pet store.”
So, the lady calls the pet store. The man says, “I’ll be right over.” Within minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell.
The lady welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions. The damn thing just sit there.”
The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly at the frog and says, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time….”
My son came up to me today after watching some TV and asked me, "Dad, whats 'Love Juice?'"
The wife gave me that look, so I sighed and started to go into detail on having sex and the process involved.
Seeing the puzzled look on his face, I stopped and asked him, "Son what were you watching?"
"Wimbledon"....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
gulliver (09-04-18)
went to chemist the other day and said "Have you got any Benylin?".
The assistant replied "For Cough?".
I said "Alright mate, I only asked!".
After spending time with Eve, Adam was walking in the Garden with God. Adam told God how much the woman means to him and how blessed he feels to have her. Adam began to ask questions about her.
Adam: “Lord, Eve is beautiful. Why did you make her so beautiful?”
God: “So you will always want to look at her.”
Adam: “Lord, her skin is so soft. Why did you make her skin so soft?”
God: “So you will always want to touch her.”
Adam: “She always smells so good. Lord, why did you make her smell so good?”
God: “So you will always want to be near her.”
Adam: “That’s wonderful Lord, and I don’t want to seem ungrateful, but why did you make her so stupid?”
God: “So she would love you!”
by Tab
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. The man realizes that he can’t find the rake. He yells up to his wife, “Where is the rake?”
She can’t hear him and shouts back, “What?”
The man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally makes a raking motion. The wife is not sure and says, “What?” The man repeats his gestures, mouthing “EYE KNEE – THE RAKE.”
The wife replies that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, and finally to her crotch. Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one.
Exasperated, he goes upstairs and asks her, “What in the heck was that?”
She replies, “EYE – LEFT TIT – BEHIND – THE BUSH”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Two brothers enlisting in the Army were undergoing their physicals. During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to see that both of the men possessed extraordinarily long penises.
"How do you account for this?"ť he asked the brothers.
"Its hereditary, sir,ť" replied the older brother.
"I see,ť said the doctor, writing in his file." Your fathers the reason for your elongated penises?
"No, sir, our mother.
"Your mother?ť" said the doctor.
"Dont be so ridiculous! Women dont have penises!ť"
"I know, sir,"ť replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best she could.ť"
Posting Permissions
Reply With Quote
Bookmarks