Shortly after take-off on an
outbound, evening Aer Lingus flight
from Dublin to Boston, the lead
flight attendant nervously made
the following painful announcement
in her lovely Irish brogue:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very
sorry, but it appears that there
has been a terrible mix-up by our
catering service. I don't know
how this has happened, but we have
103 passengers on board, and
unfortunately, we received only
40 dinner meals. I truly apologize
for this mistake and inconvenience."
When the muttering of the passengers
had died down, she continued,
"Anyone who is kind enough to give
up their meal so that someone
else can eat, will receive free and
unlimited drinks for the duration
of our 10 hour flight."
Her next announcement came about
2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have
40 dinners available."
WHOS YOUR DADDY..........
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Went to the Doctor today and the visit went like this:
I asked Doc 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh no,' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!’
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?
'I said, 'not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!’
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, jet boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,’ I said.
He asked, ‘Do you gamble, drive fast cars, ride motorbikes or have a lots of sex?’
'No,' I said. He looked at me and said,
'Then, why do you even give a s h!t?'
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
I invited my Muslim neighbours round to sit in the garden for a BBQ. Half way through, I informed the husband that his wife had been unfaithful to him with lots of men.
She hadn't at all, but I needed my rockery moved.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
GOVERNMENT STIMULUS
Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at Parliament House, encouraged by a government policy of compulsory quoting to provide business stimulus.
One is from Woolongong, another is from Randwick, and the third is from Manly. All three go with a public service official to examine the fence and provide a quote.
The Randwick contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
"Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900, $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Woolongong contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. That's $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
The Manly contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the public servant and whispers, "$2,700."
The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys. How did you come up with such a high and ridiculous figure?"
The Manly contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Woolongong to fix the fence."
"Sounds good!" whispers the public servant.
And THAT, my fellow tax payers, is how a government stimulus plan works.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said . . .
"Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with our fellow passengers."
The little girl who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger . . .
"What would you like to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God, or heaven or Hell, or life after death?" as he smiled smugly.
"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics, but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence . . . thinks about it and says, "Hmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, . . .
"Do you really feel qualified to discuss God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know shit?"
Last edited by cmangle; 26-04-18 at 09:55 AM.
A Muslim taxi driver in Western Sydney said to the young teenage girl in his cab, "You're the second pregnant girl I've driven home tonight."
She laughed "I'm not pregnant"
"You're not home yet." he replied.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Stupid question, excellent answer!
Major General Peter Cosgrove is now the Australian Governor General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio previously.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you have to love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time.
This is a portion of an ABC radio interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military Headquarters.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?
The broadcastwent silent for 46 seconds and when it returned, the interview was over.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Friday funnies with Admins Father-in-Law.
Admins FIL Jokes Page 7;
I take no responsibility for these offerings, yes some are offensive, just have a laugh or change the channel. lol.
What's yellow & ugly & sleeps alone?
Yoko Ono
Why don't they have any black snow skiers?
Because their lips explode at 1000 feet.
Why don't they let Pakistani's swim in lake Windermere?
Because they leave a ring.
Where is an elephants sex organ?
In his feet.. If he steps on you you're f#cked.
What's black & white & has 3 eyes?
Sammy Davis Jr & his wife.
How many blacks does it take to change a light bulb?
Five.. One to change the light & 4 to hold the sound system.
Why are ice-hockey goal keepers & West Indian girls alike?
They both change there pads after 3 periods.
What do you get if you cross a nigger with a monkey?
Nothing. Monkeys are to intelligent to f#ck a nigger.
Why does Nancy Reagan always climb on top?
Because Ronny can only f#uck up.
Why did god create the orgasm?
So niggers would know when to stop f#cking.
What do you call an Italian with an IQ of 180?
Sicily.
Why don't they have ice cubes in Ireland?
They lost the recipe.
What's a real mate?
Someone who goes into town & gets 2 blow jobs, then comes back & gives you one.
What's red & white & makes you laugh?
A bus load of Pakistani's going over a cliff.
Did you here about the man who lost his whole left side?
He's all-right now.
How do you save a drowning nigger?
Throw him an anchor.
What do you call an Irish girl with half a brain?
Gifted
Why do women have two holes so close together?
In case you miss.
What do you call a beautiful girl in Poland?
A tourist.
Did you here about the new Vietnamese cookbook?
100 ways to Wok your dog.
Cheers, Tiny
"You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
The information is out there; you just have to let it in."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I wonder if she was a teacher who used to sit on students faces and fart?Originally Posted by AdrianR
Cheers
Ted (Al)
ME: "NO, it's not. I'm worried that the instability of the current global political climate is marching us slowly towards irreconcilable conflict and destruction on an unprecedented scale - a cruel legacy for our children."
WAITER: "I meant is everything OK with the meal..."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.
There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven?
Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table.
The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she said.
"They're for the funeral."
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Only the one my dear?
enf (29-04-18)
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