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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #9441
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The wife was trying to log into her favourite fashion website. "I can't remember my four letter pin code," she frowned, "what do you reckon I'd have used? It must have been something obvious...... "

    I looked over the top of the paper "try XXXL".
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    My mate was telling me that he failed his first exam in Aboriginal music.

    I said, "Didja redo it?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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  • #9445
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #9446
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    A truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.
    The waitress asks them for their orders.
    The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' - 'Sounds great, the same,' says the emu.
    A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.
    The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A burger, chips and a coke.' - 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.
    Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
    This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.
    'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. 'Brilliant idea, same for me,' says the emu.
    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.60'
    Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
    The waitress cannot hold back any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'
    'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
    My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'
    'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'
    'That's right. Whether it's a carton of milk or a new car, the exact money is always there,' says the man.
    Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?
    The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

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    The Alzheimers research football team are looking for sponsors.

    Huawei are said to be interested.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #9448
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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #9450
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    A lady goes to her priest one day & tells him:

    ''Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know to say one thing.''

    "What do they say?" the priest asked.

    They say, ''Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?''

    ''That's obscene!'' the priest exclaimed,

    Then he thought for a moment......

    "You know,'' he said, ''I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

    Bring your two parrots over to my house, & we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
    My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, & your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.''

    ''Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.''

    The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house....As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads & praying...

    Impressed, She walked over & placed her parrots in the cage with them...

    After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison:

    "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

    There was stunned silence...

    Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot & says...

    'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered !!!

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    I woke up with an ongoing headache this morning.

    It's my own fault for f*cking marrying her.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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