Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #8941
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    Marvel have just announced their first transgender super hero.

    Expect Wonder Womb-man in cinemas this summer.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Toilet humour
    Went to the toilet at 11.55pm on new years eve and had a think about the years events, the up's and downs. I finished at 00.05am on new years day and realised it was the same shit, different year.
    Last edited by Keith; 03-01-20 at 09:18 PM.
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    Here are some of the top wise statements from children.

    1. Stay away from prunes. – Randy, 9

    2. When your mom is mad at your dad, don’t let her brush your hair. – Talia, 11

    3. Never trust a dog to watch your food. – Patrick, 10

    4. Don’t pull dad’s finger when he tells you to. – Emily, 10

    5. Never tell your mom her diet’s not working. – Michael, 14

    6. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. – Lauren, 9

    7. Never pee on an electric fence. – Robert, 13

    8. Don’t pick on your sister when she’s holding a baseball bat. – Joel, 10

    9. When you want a kitten, start out by asking for a horse. – Naomi, 15

    10. When your dad is mad and asks you, “Do I look stupid?’, don’t answer him. – Michael, 14

    11. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she’s on the phone. – Alyesha, 13

    12. Never try to baptize a cat. – Eileen, 8

    13. Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a Tic-Tac. – Andrew, 9

    14. You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. – Amir, 9
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.


    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.


    Can't say the same about Bieber though.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.


    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.


    The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip."


    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm.


    Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note on the door:


    1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
    2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
    3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
    4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
    5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
    7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
    8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.
    9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
    10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
    11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
    12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
    13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
    14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a Peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

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