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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #12681
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Remember...

    The only thing that flat earthers have to fear is sphere itself...
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    BEAUTY PARLOR
    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CHICKENS
    The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF
    Cold Storage.

    INFLATION
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
    A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

    RAISIN
    A grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET
    A story you tell to one person at a time.

    TOOTHACHE
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW
    One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

    YAWN
    An honest opinion - openly expressed.

    WRINKLES
    Something other people have… similar to my character lines.

    OLD
    I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an Affair
    She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"
    . . and that, my friend, is the definition of 'OLD'!!!

    In youth, the days are short and the years are long.
    In old age, the years are short and days are long.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

    "Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?"

    "No," said her husband.

    She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled twenty-dollar bill. He took the crumpled banknote from her and smiled approvingly.

    She then asked him, "Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?"

    "Uh... no, I haven't," he said, with an anxious tone in his voice.

    She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt, and seductively reached into her tight, sheer panties... and pulled out a crumpled fifty-dollar bill.

    He took the crumpled banknote and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.

    "Now," she said, "have you ever seen $100,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

    He said "No!" trying to hide his arousal.

    She said ..... "Check the garage.

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    A Russian wife turned to her husband and asked, "What's this special military operation our glorious leader keeps talking about?"

    Her husband replied, "He says it's a war to stop America and NATO."

    "Oh, right. How's it going?"

    "Well, so far we have lost over 20 generals, over 315,000 troops killed or wounded, 3000 tanks, 300 aircraft, hundreds of helicopters, countless armoured vehicles, artillery and trucks, our flagship along with other naval ships, our army is being defeated in most areas and we have had to resort to conscripting 500,000 Russians including murderers and rapists to replace our losses."

    "Wow, what about America and NATO?"

    "Dunno, they haven't turned up yet."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A mate of mine phoned me and asked, "What are you doing at the moment?"

    I replied, "Right now? Probably failing my driving test."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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