A blond city girl named Amy marries a Northern Territory cattle station owner
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the stockman says to Amy, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today, so I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above where the cow's stall is in the barn. Please show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'
The stockman leaves for the outback paddocks. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.
Amy takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when Amy sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one right here.'
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, 'Tell me lady, 'cause I'm dying to know; how would YOU know that this is the right cow to be bred?'
'That's simple," she said. "By the nail that's over its stall,' she explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, 'And what, pray tell, is the nail for?'
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder,
'I guess it's to hang your pants on.'
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds"
So I thought ..... "Hmmmmm, new bathroom scales it is then."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking, going blue in the face. The father realizes the boy has swallowed the nickels and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the nickels but keeps choking. Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants, takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then ever so firmly. After a few seconds, the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before. That was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replied. “Divorce Lawyer."
News: An Amazon tribe has been discovered that has had no contact with the outside world.
Geez, I already KNEW that. Will somebody ask them when my f*cking parcel is being delivered.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynaecologist..................................... ..
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Paddy drags a huge metal box to the Antiques Roadshow, when it was recently visiting Dublin.
"Where did you get that from?", the expert asks.
"It's been in my loft for 40 years. I think it's an heirloom", says Paddy.
"Do you have insurance?", asks the expert.
"No , should I?" asks Paddy.
"Yes", says the expert, "it's your water tank."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Finally! A joke I can forward to mum....Originally Posted by enf
hinekadon (25-08-18)
At a recent job interview: "What's your name?"
"Dave F*cking C*nting Smith"
"Oh dear. Do you suffer from Tourette's Dave?"
"No. But the Vicar at the Christening did."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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