The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
This really fit woman with massive tits and a short skirt got into the lift with me. The lift then stopped.
"Great she said how long are we going to be stuck in here for?"
"Dunno, " I replied, "maybe hours. " and as she got hotter she started to unbutton her top a little more. Then she noticed my erection and started to smile. After a few minutes I had her naked. We finished our screw and she started to get dressed, "I've never seen you in here before, what department do you work in? " She asked.
"Oh, I don't work here, " I answered, "I'm here to fix the lift. "
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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Last edited by Johnno; 30-07-20 at 05:28 PM.
OK, THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT SENTIMENTAL CRAP.. BACK TO THE JOKES... LOL
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I went to a mystic in Redfern recently.
“You’ll meet a tall dark stranger.”
“Of course I will” I replied, “but I need you to be more specific.”
“Like what?”
“Will he have a gun or a knife?”
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Yes, I support Collingwood... But, the Damn Jokes are too funny -- Just for u Enf
A Collingwood girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the welfare officer.
"Ten" replies the Collingwood girl,
"Ten?" says the welfare worker.
"What are their names?"
"Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan"
"Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah.." says the Collingwood girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or 'Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it.
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker.
"That's easy," says the Collingwood girl... "I just use their surnames"
Q. What do you call a 27 year old Collingwood girl?
A. Granny.
Q. What do you call a Collingwood girl in a white tracksuit?
A. The bride.
Q. What does a Collingwood girl use as protection during sex?
A. A bus shelter.
Q. There are two Collingwood girls in a car without any music - who is driving?
A. The policeman..
Q. What's the most confusing day in Collingwood ?
A. Father's day
Q. How do people know Jesus wasn't born in Collingwood ?
A. You try finding 3 wise men and a virgin there!
Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Collingwood fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Collingwood fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, 'Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?'
'Because I'm not a Collingwood fan,' she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, 'Well, if you are not a Collingwood fan, then who are you a fan of?'
'I am a Carlton fan, and proud of it,' Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. 'Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Carlton fan?'
'Because my mum is a Carlton fan, and my dad is a Carlton fan, so I'm a Carlton fan too!'
'Well,' said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, 'that is no reason for you to be a Carlton fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time...
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?'
'Then,' Mary smiled, 'I'd be a Collingwood fan.
An Australian, an Irishman and a Collingwood supporter are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another. After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock. 'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Collingwood supporter who says, 'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.
A Collingwood supporter walked into the local job Centre, marched straight up to the Counter and said 'Hi, I'm looking for a job'.
The man behind the counter replied 'Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around in a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is $200,000 a year'.
The Collingwood supporter said 'You're bullshitting me!'
The man behind the counter said 'Well you started it!'
Police cordoned off Collingwood City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car. It later turned out to be a pay slip. LOL
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Love The Irish
Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'
Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
The man said, 'I do, Father.'
The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'
Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.
'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'
The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'
O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'
Paddy was in New York ..
He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.
He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.
After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.
'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'
'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'
'Just water,' says the priest.
The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'
The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'
Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'
'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'
'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'
'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'
She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'
Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.
She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'
Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'
'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly ....... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
"Blessed are those that can give without remembering, and take without forgetting
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you ' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill , the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
As Margaret Thatcher said:
"Both politicians and nappies need to be changed often and for the same reason!"
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
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