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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8481
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #8482
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    Arthritis



    A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"


    The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

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  • #8483
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    THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

    Nigel bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry Nigel, but I have some bad news. The donkey has died.”

    Nigel: “Well then just give me my money back.”
    Farmer: “Can’t do that. I’ve spent it.”

    Nigel: “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
    Farmer: “What are you going to do with him?”
    Nigel: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

    Farmer: “You can’t raffle a dead donkey!”
    Nigel: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

    A month later, the farmer met up with Nigel and asked,
    “What happened with that dead donkey?”

    Nigel: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898”
    Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”
    Nigel: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”

    Nigel now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia!


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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by hazman; 15-07-19 at 04:04 PM.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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