Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'd just come out of the shop with a roast beef sandwich, large fries, ear of corn & a jumbo hot dog. A poor homeless man sat there and said 'I haven't eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.'




    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunchtime. She said 'sorry about the wait'. I said, 'Don't worry, you'll find a way to lose it - eventually'.




    I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said 'Any Change?' I said, 'Nope, you're still black'.




    Snow in the forecast and the TV weather gal said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to myself, 'fat chance', with a face like that!




    A 10-year old Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man passing by asks 'What's wrong, lad?' The boy says 'Me ma died this morning.' 'Oh bejaysus,' The man says. 'Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?' The boy replies, 'No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.'




    Years ago it was suggested that an apple a day kept the doctor away. But since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works best!




    Japanese scientists have now created a camera with such a fantastic shutter speed that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth closed.




    I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or bus and think to yourself. I'm going to take that.'




    I had a big lead in a trivia competition at a local bar until the last question which I got wrong. The question was where do women have the curliest hair? Fiji was the correct answer...hell, how did I know they wanted the name of a country?




    I took my Biology exam last Friday. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells. Apparently "Blacks" and "Mexicans" were NOT the correct answers.




    I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.






















    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    After inserting my pin 3 times, I heard the unmistakable pained groans of the wife from behind me.

    This voodoo doll is f*cking amazing!
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Was given a link to a recipe site. You tell it what's in your fridge and it comes up with a recipe.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Too true
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Quote Originally Posted by oceanboy View Post
    Too true
    Too true, problem is, it's also my daughter's birthday. I'm not allowed to forget
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A Muslim immigrant kid asks his mother, "Mama, what's a Democracy and what is Racism?”

    "Well, son, Democracy is when Australian tax payers work every day so we can get all our benefits, you know like free housing, free healthcare, more welfare payments than Australian pensioners get, and on and on, you know, that's Democracy”.

    "But Mama, don't the Australian tax payers, and pensioners get pissed off about that?”

    "Sure they do, and that's called Racism!”

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    Move if not in the correct section....
    But it seemed the closest fit for me.
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    Yup....
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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  • 17-02-19, 08:44 AM

    Reason
    The joke thread is not a discussion section.

  • #8058
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    This IS the joke thread Madtech.

    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Again... the joke thread is NOT a discussion forum.

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    BREXIT EXPLAINED


    Mr David Davis is at the golf club returning his locker key when Mr Barnier, the membership secretary sees him.

    "Hello Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier. "I'm sorry to hear you are no longer renewing your club membership,if you would like to come to my office we can settle your account"

    "I have settled my bar bill" says Mr Davis.
    Ah yes Mr Davis", says Mr Barnier, "but there are other matters that need settlement"

    In Mr Barniers office Mr Davis explains that he has settled his bar bill so wonders what else he can possibly owe the Golf Club?

    "Well Mr Davis" begins Mr Barnier, "you did agree to buy one of our Club Jackets".

    "Yes" agrees Mr Davis "I did agree to buy a jacket but I haven't received it yet". As soon as you supply the jacket I will send you a cheque for the full amount".

    "That will not be possible" explains Mr Barnier. "As you are no longer a club member you will not be entitled to buy one of our jackets"!

    “But you still want me to pay for it" exclaims Mr Davis.

    "Yes" says Mr Barnier, "That will be £500 for the jacket”.

    "There is also your bar bill".

    “But I've already settled my bar bill". says Mr Davis.

    “Yes" says Mr Barnier, "but as you can appreciate, we need to place our orders from the Brewery in advance to ensure our bar is properly stocked.

    You regularly used to spend at least £50 a week in the bar so we have placed orders with the brewery accordingly for the coming year. You therefore owe us £2600 for the year".

    “Will you still allow me to have these drinks?" asks Mr Davis

    “No of course not Mr Davis". "You are no longer a club member!" says Mr Barnier. "Next is your restaurant bill" continues Mr Barnier.

    "In the same manner we have to make arrangements in advance with our catering suppliers. Your average restaurant bill was in the order of £300 a month, so we'll require payment of £3600 for the next year".

    “ I don't suppose you'll be letting me have these meals either?" asks Mr Davis

    “No, of course not," says an irritated Mr Barnier, "you are no longer a club member!"

    "Then of course," Mr Barnier continues, "there are repairs to the clubhouse roof".

    "Clubhouse roof!" exclaims Mr Davis, "What's that got to do with me?"

    “Well it still needs to be repaired and the builders are coming in next week, your share of the bill is £2000".

    "I see," says Mr Davis, "anything else?"

    "Now you mention it," says Mr Barnier, "there is Fred the Barman's pension". We would like you to pay £5 a week towards Fred's pension when he retires next month".

    "He's not well you know so I doubt we'll need to ask you for payment for longer than about five years, so £1300 should do it. This brings your total bill to £10,000" says Mr Barnier.

    “Let me get this straight," says Mr Davis, "you want me to pay £500 for a jacket you won't let me have, £2600 for beverages you won't let me drink and £3600 for food you won't let me eat, all under a roof I won't be allowed under and not served by a bloke who's going to retire next month!"

    “Yes, it's all perfectly clear and quite reasonable" says Mr Barnier.

    "Piss off!" says Mr Davis

    And that, my friends, is how Brexit works...

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