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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #9041
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Tiger Woods was in Oz and was driving to a regional area to play a charity golf game.

    He stops for gas at an old-style service station in a small country town.
    When he gets out of his late model, stylish European car he sees he is being served by an elderly gent in heavily soiled overalls.

    Before he gets to pump gas, the old-timer saw that a golf tee fell on the ground when Tiger got out of the car.
    As he goes to give it back to the new arrival in the flash car, he asks what is it for.

    Tiger says, "Well that's what I put my balls on when I'm driving".

    "Aw shucks," says the old guy, "Those people at Audi, they think of everything!"

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I was in a pub in far Western Queensland last Saturday night,

    when this really brutally ugly girl came up to me,

    squeezed my arse and said,

    "Give me your number, sexy."





    I replied "Have you got a pen?"

    She smiled and said "Yes."

    I replied,

    "Well you better get back to it, before the farmer notices you're missing."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Heard on the radio today where a bloke signed up for one of those dating apps and they matched him up with his wife!
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    3 bits of steel, how hard can it be....

    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    News Feed

    Jay Jones
    February 15 at 3:33 PM
    MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
    "Late again!" the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Robbie.
    "It ain't my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this 'un on my Daddy.The reason I'm three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!"
    Miss Russell had taught grammar school for 30-some-odd years. Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Robbie what he meant by that.
    Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little Robbie and trouble were old friends but he always told the truth.
    "You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox. The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun and said to my Ma, "That fox is back again... I'm a gonna git him!''
    "Stay back," Daddy whispered to all us kids!
    "My Daddy was naked as a jaybird -- no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck that double-barrelled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog, Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then, as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his cold nose in my Daddy's crack!"
    "Miss Russell, we all been pluckin' chickens since three o'clock this mornin!"
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    Actual writings in Mpumalanga Hospital Register in South Africa


    1. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

    2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

    3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

    4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only 11kgs weight gain in the past three days.

    5 She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

    6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

    7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

    8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

    9. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

    10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

    11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

    12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

    13. She is numb from her toes down.

    14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

    15. The skin was moist and dry.

    16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

    17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

    18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

    19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

    20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

    21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

    22. The patient refused autopsy.

    23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function

    24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

    25. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.

    26 Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

    Don't laugh alone, share with friends😂
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #9060
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    Cheers
    Ted (Al)

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