Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. 19-09-20, 10:15 PM #9701
    lsemmens
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    Quote Originally Posted by SS Dave View Post
    That's not funny, it's TRUE!
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
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  • 20-09-20, 01:11 AM #9702
    Al Bundy
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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    Tell them to have a look underneath....
    Cheers
    Ted (Al)
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  • 20-09-20, 08:01 AM #9703
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    Recently someone nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out, and escaping with the goods, he was captured only 5 miles away when his van ran out of petrol.

    When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such a foolish error running out of fuel, he replied,

    "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 21-09-20, 08:46 AM #9704
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 21-09-20, 11:18 AM #9705
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  • 21-09-20, 06:51 PM #9706
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    Racism


    Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

    A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Guinness?"

    The shop assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

    The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

    The shop assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

    The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Guinness, why did you ask me if I'm Irish?"



    The clerk replied, "Because you're in Bunnings'."
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  • 22-09-20, 11:05 AM #9707
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 23-09-20, 08:25 AM #9708
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  • 23-09-20, 09:05 AM #9709
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    NASA plans to put a woman on the moon by 2024.

    It would have been 2022 but they need two more years to develop an automatic gearbox for the lunar rover.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 23-09-20, 04:32 PM #9710
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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    NASA plans to put a woman on the moon by 2024.

    It would have been 2022 but they need two more years to develop an automatic gearbox and fit high def reversing cameras for the lunar rover.
    Fixed that for you M8
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  • 23-09-20, 06:01 PM #9711
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  • 23-09-20, 08:13 PM #9712
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    Toxic Highway Spill

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 24-09-20, 06:48 AM #9713
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 24-09-20, 03:16 PM #9714
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  • 25-09-20, 08:55 AM #9715
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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  • 25-09-20, 11:17 AM #9716
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  • 25-09-20, 12:17 PM #9717
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
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  • 25-09-20, 12:18 PM #9718
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
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  • 25-09-20, 12:36 PM #9719
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  • 25-09-20, 01:46 PM #9720
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    BEAUTY PARLOR

    A place where women curl up and dye.

    CHICKENS
    The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

    COMMITTEE
    A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

    DUST
    Mud with the juice squeezed out.

    EGOTIST
    Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

    HANDKERCHIEF

    Cold Storage

    INFLATION
    Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

    MOSQUITO
    An insect that makes you like flies better.

    POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
    A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.

    RAISIN
    A grape with a sunburn.

    SECRET
    A story you tell to one person at a time.

    SKELETON
    A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

    TOOTHACHE
    The pain that drives you to extraction.

    TOMORROW
    One of the greatest labour saving devices of today.

    YAWN
    An honest opinion openly expressed
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