The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[SS Dave]

My Wife texted me a selfie in a new dress and ask "does my butt look big in this dress?"
I texted back "NOO!"
My phone autocorrected my responce to "MOO!"
Please send HELP.

[enf]

F*ck! I remember the days when I was a kid you could go into a shop with $2 and come out with 2 cans of coke, a pollywaffle, a bag of chips and 2 magnums....

...nowadays...

F*cking CCTV everywhere.

[lsemmens]

A Woman in her late thirties is at home happily jumping unclothed, on her bed and squealing with delight.

Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18-year-old."

The husband replies, "What did he say about your 42-year old ar*e?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

[lsemmens]

Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while, he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said, “Dave, don’t worry about it. You’re not the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won’t be the last. And you’re single. Just let it go.”

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, whispering “Dave, you’re a veterinarian…”

[lsemmens]

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I replied, "Yes just once."

The doctor asked, "What was it like?"

I said, "It was dark, then suddenly very bright."

[lsemmens]

[first day as a pilot]

me: (looking down nervously) what are all these buttons for?

co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed

__________________________________________________ _____________________________

A drunk wakes up in jail and asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"

"For drinking." replies the officer.

"Great!" slurs the man. "When do we start?

[lsemmens]

A cowboy emigrated to Wales.

He opened a ranch at Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysilio gogogoch

Unfortunately, none of his cattle survived the branding.

__________________________________________________ ______________________

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's just a mistake"

__________________________________________________ _______________________

My wife: "You weren't listening at all just now, were you?"

Me: "Wow, that's a weird way to start a conversation."

__________________________________________________ ______________________

"If you were listening to me, what did I just say?"

"Beats me. Weren't you listening, either?"

__________________________________________________ ________________________

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool

So I gave him a glass of water.

__________________________________________________ _________________________

Daughter: What are those things that you blow on and make wishes?

Me: A breathalyzer

__________________________________________________ __________________________

I told my wife not to get upset when people called her fat.

I said, "You're bigger than that”.

[SS Dave]

[enf]

Riot Police are spraying protesters in Hong Kong with blue dye.

They can then arrest all the green ones afterwards.

[enf]

Rude....explicit....you're warned. Great lyrics...

[hazman]

[enf]

[irritant]

[irritant]

[enf]

[enf]

Did you hear Mary Poppins stopped wearing lipstick whilst giving head?

Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.

[lsemmens]

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude, The Magician, was the headliner. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist in one of his few live performances.

As Claude took to the stage, he declared, "Unlike ordinary hypnotists who invite two or three people onstage, I will hypnotize each and every member of tonight's audience!"

Claude withdrew from his pocket the beautiful antique pocket watch that had been in his family for generations. As the watch swung gently back and forth, Claude chanted, "Watch the watch. Watch the watch. Watch the watch."

The spotlight tightened on just his hands, the mesmerized crowd stared, the light gleamed off its polished surfaces, back and forth, back and forth, until it slipped from Claudes fingers, fell to the floor, and broke into smithereens.
"S**T!" said the hypnotist, under his breath.

It took three weeks to clean up the theatre!

[enf]

My mate is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his missus finds out she's going to ring his neck.

[mkhannah]

My wife said she was constantly frustrated by my complete lack of sense of direction.

So I packed up my bags and right.

[hazman]

I took my new girlfriend home to meet my parents. We had a lovely evening and, after she'd gone, my dad leaned over and said, "Son, I think this one's a keeper."
"Awww dad, what makes you say that?" I asked.
"She smells of elephant shit.