Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #6901
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    Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase "You’ve Gotta Be Kiddin’ Me?"

    Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Founding Father of USA, way back when
    George Washington was crossing the Delaware River with his troops.

    There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington’s boat.
    It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

    Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Cox and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern.
    He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where they were heading.

    Corporal Cox, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

    Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Cox and his lantern into the Delaware.
    Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Cox, but to no avail.
    All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favourites.

    Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted.
    He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

    Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.'
    They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

    What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

    General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

    The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman.

    A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

    Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men.
    We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

    Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
    We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

    Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Cox.'

    And the Madam said, 'You gotta be Kiddin’ me!’

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A morning in Perisher....

    8:00 -- I made a snowman.

    8:10 -- A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn’t make a snow woman.

    8:15 -- So I made a snow woman as well.

    8:17 -- The nanny of the neighbours complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest.

    8:20 --- The gay couple living nearby grumbled that it could have been two snowmen instead.

    8:25 -- The vegans at No. 12 complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.

    8:28 -- I am being called a racist because the snow couple is white.

    8:31 -- The Muslim gent across the road wants the snow woman to wear a headscarf.

    8:35 — An Aboriginal stopped and said that the project had been built on what was once their traditional lands without their consultation and approval. They wanted an apology and compensation.

    8:40 -- Someone calls the cops who show up to see what’s going on.

    8:42 -- I am told that the broomstick of the snowman needs to be removed because it could be used as a deadly weapon. Things get worse after I mutter : "Yeah, if it's up your arse"

    8:52 --- My phone is seized and thoroughly checked while I am blindfolded and flown to the police station in a helicopter.

    9:00 --- I'm on the news as a suspected terrorist bent on stirring up trouble at this sensitive time.

    9:10 -- I am asked if I have any accomplices.

    9:29 -- ISIS just claimed responsibility.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I came home drunk last night and the wife wasn't happy.

    "How much have you had to drink?" she demanded, staring at me.

    "Nothing" I slurred.

    "Look at me!" she shouted, "It's either me or the pub, which one is it?"

    I paused for a second and said, "It's you, I can tell by the voice."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Socialism, Capitalism and Everything in Between

    EXPLAINED IN PLAIN ENGLISH


    SOCIALISM: You have 2 cows.

    You give one to your neighbour.


    COMMUNISM: You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and gives you some milk.


    FASCISM: You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and sells you some milk.


    NAZISM: You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both and shoots you.


    BUREAUCRATISM: You have 2 cows.

    The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.


    TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM: You have two cows.

    You sell one and buy a bull.

    Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.

    You sell them and retire on the income


    ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND (VENTURE) CAPITALISM: You have two cows.

    You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.

    The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.

    The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States , leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release.

    The public then buys your bull.


    SURREALISM: You have two giraffes.

    The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.


    AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.

    Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.


    A GREEK CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You borrow lots of euros to build barns, milking sheds, hay stores, feed sheds, dairies, cold stores, abattoir, cheese unit and packing sheds.

    You still only have two cows.


    A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.


    A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

    You then create a clever cow cartoon image called a Cowkimona and market it worldwide.


    AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.

    You decide to have lunch.


    A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.

    You charge the owners for storing them.


    A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You have 300 people milking them, You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.

    You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.


    AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    You worship them.


    A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    Both are mad.


    AN IRAQI CORPORATION: Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.

    You tell them that you have none.

    No-one believes you, so they bomb the ** out of you and invade your country.

    You still have no cows, but at least you are now a Democracy.


    AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    Business seems pretty good.

    You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.


    A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION: You have two cows.

    The one on the left looks very attractive...

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    What was Sean Connery's worst ever sexual experience?

    He once asked a woman to sit on his face.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    ....He once asked a woman to sit on his face.
    Yuk, messy, I'm not into that type of thing, is that called fecophilia?
    Cheers
    Ted (Al)

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    An evil Atheist explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives. Upon surveying the situation, he says quietly to himself: “Oh God, I’m screwed!!!!!.”

    There is a ray of light from heaven and a voice booms out:

    “No, you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone at your feet and bash in the head of the chief standing in front of you.

    So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash the living heck out of the chief.

    As he stands above the lifeless body, breathing heavily and surrounded by 100 natives with a look of shock on their faces, Gods voice booms out again: “Okay ….. NOW you’re screwed.”

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Yesterday was International Womens Day.

    It also just happened to be International I Don't Give a Flying F*ck Day.

    Coincidence?
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    MY LAST RIDE
    While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and
    landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled
    out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled
    up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?"
    As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to
    die for..."I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of
    the car to get a closer look.
    She said, "Get in and I'll take you home so I can clean and bandage that
    nasty scrape on your head."
    "That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me
    doing that!"
    "Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any
    more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and
    very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated,
    "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
    We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of
    cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better
    but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
    "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse
    exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I've ever seen. "Stay for a while.
    She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"

    "Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."
    You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....

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    They say cars without ignition keys are the future.

    Pfftt.. They've had them for decades in Collingwood.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Mr. Jones is attending a medical conference at London. He goes to reception and finds out from the receptionist that his room is on the fourteenth floor of the building. Exhausted from his long flight from New York City, he immediately proceeds to the elevator.

    There, he is greeted by the jolly elevator attendant with a huge smile. “Good day, Sir. Need a lift?”

    “Lift?” Mr. Jones asked in amusement.

    “Indeed, Sir,” replied the man.

    “You mean elevator?” Mr. Jones asked smiling.

    The elevator attendant responded, “Well yes, Sir. But here, we call it a lift.”

    “You really should call it an elevator, you know? Because as it was invented in our country, it’s called that way,” Mr. Jones quipped.

    The good attendance gave him a cheeky response, “I hear you, Sir. But as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.”

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