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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8661
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #8662
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    1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

    2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

    3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at all.

    4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

    5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.

    6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

    7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

    8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

    9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.

    10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.

    11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.

    12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m - for example, it could be the right number.

    13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

    14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap.

    15. Be careful about reading the fine print - there's no way you're going to like it.

    16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.

    17 Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

    18. Money can't buy happiness but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Rolls Royce than in a Ford.

    19. After 70, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead.

    20. Always be yourself because the people who matter don't mind and the ones who mind don't matter.

    21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

    And REMEMBER...."POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN - AND FOR THE SAME REASON".
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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  • #8663
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #8664
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    Last edited by lsemmens; 14-09-19 at 01:18 PM.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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  • #8665
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    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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  • #8666
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I'm not sure if the above is an alarmist meme or promotional material to become a muslim ?
    Last edited by ol' boy; 15-09-19 at 03:22 PM.
    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

  • #8668
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    A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed off.
    The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem.

    All he says is, "All lawyers are assholes."
    A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!"

    The pissed-off guy asks him, "Why? Are you a lawyer?"
    He replies, "No, I am an asshole."
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Whats the difference between an Aussie wedding & an Aussie funeral

    There is one less drunk at the funeral
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The other day, my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isnít talking to me.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Woman: Does this dress make me look fat?

    Man: Do you promise not to get mad no matter what I say?

    Woman: Yes, I promise.

    Man: I f**ked your sister.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Q: How many cops does it take to push a handcuffed perp down a flight of stairs?

    A: None, the bastard tripped!
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Little Johnny returns to school the day after the Cracker Night long weekend.

    His teacher asks each of the class members to stand out front of the class, and to tell everyone what they did over the holiday.

    When it comes to Johnny's turn, he stands up boldly and declares:-

    "Me and my mates went down to the creek catching frogs. When we got one, we would shove a lit bunger up it's arse-hole"

    Teacher- "Johnny, (she says sternly), you mean rectum!"

    Johnny- "Sure did, blew the little f*ckers to pieces!"
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    After 10 years a wife started to think their child looks kinda strange so she did a DNA test and found out the child is not theirs.
    She told her husband what she found out, the husband replied, you don't remember do you??
    When we were leaving the hospital the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him, so i went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there.

    The wife fainted.....
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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