Saw a black guy interviewed on a prison doco this arvo with braces on his teeth.
I thought "jeeez, even his teeth are behind bars"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Really regret buying myself a new blindfold yesterday...
Just can't see myself wearing it.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.
Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.
About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,
'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?'
Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.
He touches his wife's shoulder and asks, 'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'
She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
Morris, however, worried about his impending death,tosses and turns,
until he's down to 4 more hours.
He taps his wife, who rouses.
'Honey, I have only 4 more hours.
Do you think we could...'
At this point the wife sits up and says, 'Listen Morris, enough is enough
I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'
An old blind guy goes for a job at a lumberyard. During the interview, the owner says, “You’re blind, how can you possibly tell one piece of wood from another?”
The blind guy responds that he can tell you everything you need to know about wood by its smell. So the owner decides to test him and sends a worker
out to the yard for some lumber. They lay the first piece on the desk and the blind man walks over, sniffs it from one end to the other and says, “
It’s cherry, a 1” x 4” that is 6’ long!”
All the employees are stunned. “You’re right,” says the owner. They get another one and the same thing happens with the blind announcing it’s an 8’ piece of cedar. And again, he’s right.
The owner pulls an employee aside and tells him to go get the secretary, have her take her clothes off and lay on the desk.
Once she is settled in the blind guy starts at one end and sniffs the length of her. He looks stumped, so he asks to have the wood turned over, and she does.
Again he sniffs top to bottom and starts to scratch his head.
The owner is getting excited because he thinks he’s fooled the old guy. Then suddenly the old guy responds, “Wait a minute, I’ve got it.
It’s the crap house door off a tuna boat!”
Conspiracy News!!
Don't you think that plants are actually farming US?
They supply us with a lifetime of oxygen until we die, get buried, and decompose into food for THEM!!
BEWARE!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I walked into a Melbourne bar and yelled "All Collingwood fans are wankers!"
A large slob with missing teeth stood up, glared, and said menacingly "I take exception to that! Thems fightin' words!"
I glared back "Yeah? Why?"
Slob "Cause I'm a wanker!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
New Australian cricket team emblem.
A woman stopped by at her son's house.
She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.
She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.
"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered.
"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.
"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.
"Love dress? But you're naked!"
"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained.. "It excites him to no end.
Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me."
The mother-in-law left.
When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on some romantic music, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive.
Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.
"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?"
Neighbours say they heard a gunshot...
Why does a man get more intelligent during sex?
Because he's plugged into a know-it-all.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A horse and a chicken were walking down a country road and they saw that there was some corn just across the ditch by the road.
The horse walked over to eat the corn.
Before he got to the corn he became stuck in the mud. For all his trying he could not get out of the mud.
So he tells the chicken, “Hey, go over to that farm house and get some help to get me out of this mud.”
When the chicken gets to the farm house, he can’t find anybody to help him get the horse out of the mud.
However, he notices that there is a Mercedes parked in the driveway and the keys are in the ignition.
The chicken drives the Mercedes back down the road, ties a rope he found to the Mercedes and throws the other end to the horse.
In a jiffy the horse is out of the mud.
The two proceed down the road again.
And again they see some more corn on the side of the road.
This time the chicken crosses over the ditch to get the corn.
And as luck would have it, the chicken gets stuck in the mud.
The chicken tells the horse, “Hey, go get that Mercedes and pull me out of this mud.”
The horse surveys the problem and says, “I think I can straddle this ditch because it is not too big and when I do just grab my dick and I’ll pull you out of the mud.”
The horse does as he say sand the chicken is pulled out of the mud.
So what is the moral of this story?
When you hung like a horse, you don’t need a Mercedes to pick up chicks!
Winnie Mandela is dead....the ones sent to this morning..
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Winnie Mandela’s funeral will be reflective of her life, she will be cremated by having a tyre put around her neck, doused in petrol and set alight !! It’s what she would have wanted.
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I was quite surprised to hear that Winnie Mandela has bought the farm. I'd have thought she'd just have seized it from its rightful white owners.
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So Winnie Mandela has died! Unfortunately she did not have a tyre round her neck at the time otherwise it would certainly have been a Goodyear!
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Winnie mandela's nervously awaiting Judgement in heaven, when she sees a young white woman with a burning tyre around her neck. She protests "I don't remember having her killed ".
St Peter says "thats not one of your victims, thats Princess Diana!"
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Keith (04-04-18)
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