Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Arthritis



    A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a subway next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

    After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

    The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

    The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

    The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"


    The man answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it."

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    THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED

    Nigel bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
    The next day he drove up and said, “Sorry Nigel, but I have some bad news. The donkey has died.”

    Nigel: “Well then just give me my money back.”
    Farmer: “Can’t do that. I’ve spent it.”

    Nigel: “OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.”
    Farmer: “What are you going to do with him?”
    Nigel: “I’m going to raffle him off.”

    Farmer: “You can’t raffle a dead donkey!”
    Nigel: “Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.”

    A month later, the farmer met up with Nigel and asked,
    “What happened with that dead donkey?”

    Nigel: “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 each and made a profit of $898”
    Farmer: “Didn’t anyone complain?”
    Nigel: “Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back.”

    Nigel now works for the Commonwealth Bank of Australia!


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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Last edited by hazman; 15-07-19 at 04:04 PM.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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    INTERESTING OBSERVATION

    1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
    2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
    3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
    4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
    5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
    And...
    6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

    THE amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,
    the smaller your balls become.
    There must be a shit load of people in Canberra playing marbles.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    A wasp flew into the living room today, so I grabbed a rolled up newspaper and handled the situation in the best possible way.

    By going for a shit and leaving the wife to deal with it !
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An Albuquerque woman is suing Samsung for $1.8 million after she necessitated medical attention after inserting her cell phone inside her vagina and was unable to retrieve it for 96 hours. Salma Briant, 39, claims her medical bills at the University of New Mexico Hospital amount to $1,168,000 and that she has suffered from severe psychological distress because of the whole ordeal. Briant said she first inserted the cell phone inside her vagina as a dare from one of her friends but quickly realized that the phone would not come out.

    Attorney Jim McAfee’s claims his client was forced to undergo a cesarean section to remove the cell phone because of the atypical shape of her pelvis and had no insurance at the time.
    A Samsung spokesman said they would not comment on this case at this moment but explained that an out-of-court settlement was still an option on the table.

    “I wanted to see how it would feel to put my cell phone on vibration mode inside of me, just for fun, but it soon turned out to be a nightmare,” she told judge Andrew Peterson in tears. “Samsung is definitely at fault here as they offer no warning about the dangers and potential risks during the insertion of their products inside their clients male or female body cavities or genitals” Salma Briant’s lawyer, Jim McAfee said in court.

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    and I googled it.............. once some things have been seen, they can't be unseen.............
    有段者

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    There's a type of mustard gas that stays near the ground and only kills people less than 4 feet tall.

    It's used in chemical dwarfare.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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