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Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may cause offense, read at your own risk

  1. #8421
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH.

    Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!"

    So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

    Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

    The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!

    What seems to be the problem?"

    "Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

    "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...It is posted at Twenty-two kilometers an hour!" ..the old woman says a bit proudly.

    The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.

    A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

    "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask..........Is everyone in this car OK ?

    These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a peep this whole time," the officer asks.





    "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.

    The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isnít it? Take care and have a look here!Ē

    He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

    The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

    The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

    The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?"

    The airline pilot laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5-Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer."

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  • #8426
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    THE NAGGING Wife


    An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him mercifully. From morning 'til night she was always complaining about
    something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He ploughed a lot.

    One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began nagging him again.

    Complain, nag, complain, nag - it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

    At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.

    This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it. So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

    The old farmer said, 'Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement.'

    'And what about the men?' the minister asked.




    'They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.'

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan
    when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the
    same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the
    female whale,"Let's both swim under the ship and blow out of our air
    holes at the same time, and it should cause the ship to turnover and sink.

    They tried it - and sure enough,the ship turned over and quickly
    sank.

    Soon, however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard
    and were swimming to the safety of shore.

    The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the
    female,"Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach
    the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming
    reluctant to follow him.

    Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely
    refuse to swallow the seamen."
    . Please treat people as you would like to be treated yourself.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car.

    A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are.

    I have a little Satnav, I've had it most of my life.

    It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.

    It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive.

    "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".

    It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake.

    And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.

    It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green.

    It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene.

    It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear.

    And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver,has so helpful a device.

    For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice.

    It fills me up with counseling, each journey's pretty fraught.

    So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed.

    It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff,

    I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.

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  • #8433
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    That, IIRC is a variation on an older theme, but still very good!
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #8436
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    A little humour about Joseph Lucas aka The Prince of Darkness.

    The Lucas motto: "Get home before dark."



    Lucas is the patent holder for the short circuit.


    Lucas - Inventor of the first intermittent wiper.


    Lucas - Inventor of the self-dimming headlamp.


    The three position Lucas switch - Dim, Flicker and Off.


    The Original Anti-Theft Device - Lucas Electrics.


    Lucas is an acronym for Loose Unsoldered Connections and Splices


    Lucas systems actually uses AC current; it just has a random frequency.


    "I have had a Lucas pacemaker for years and have never had any trou..."


    If Lucas made guns, wars would not start.


    A friend of mine told everybody he never had any electric problems with his Lucas equipment. Today he lives in the countryside, in a large manor with lots of friendly servants around him and an occasional ice cold shower...


    Back in the 70's, Lucas decided to diversify its product line and began manufacturing vacuum cleaners. It was the only product they offered which did not suck.


    Q: Why do the British drink warm beer? A: Because Lucas makes their refrigerators


    Alexander Graham Bell invented the Telephone.Thomas Edison invented the Light Bulb. Joseph Lucas invented the Short Circuit.


    Recommended procedure before taking on a repair of Lucas equipment: Check the position of the stars, kill a chicken and walk three times clockwise around your car chanting:" Oh mighty Prince of Darkness protect your unworthy servant.."


    Electrical Theory by Joseph Lucas

    Positive ground depends upon proper circuit functioning, the transmission of negative ions by retention of the visible spectral manifestation known as "smoke".
    Smoke is the thing that makes
    electrical circuits work; we know this to be true because every time one lets the smoke out of the electrical system, it stops working.
    This can be verified repeatedly through empirical testing.

    When, for example, the smoke escapes from an electrical component (i.e., say, a Lucas voltage regulator), it will be observed that the component stops working.
    The function of the wire harness is to carry
    the smoke from one device to another; when the wire harness "springs a leak", and lets all the smoke out of the system, nothing works afterwards.
    Starter motors were frowned upon in British Automobiles
    for some time, largely because they consume large quantities of smoke, requiring very large wires.

    It has been noted that Lucas components are possibly more prone to electrical leakage than Bosch or generic Japanese electrics.
    Experts
    point out that this is because Lucas is British and all things British leak.
    British engines leak oil, shock absorbers, hydraulic forks and
    disk brakes leak fluid, British tyres leak air and the British defense establishment leaks secrets...so, naturally, British electrics leak smoke.
    Last edited by Tiny; 23-06-19 at 06:45 PM.
    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I call my wife the preying mantis.

    At any time without provocation she may bite my fvcking head off.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    If u want to go on an expedition get a Land Rover, if u want to come home from an expedition get a Landcruiser!

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