Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Dear Sirs

    I have a very complicated Centrelink benefits question:

    Many years ago, I married a widow who had an 18-year-old daughter.

    After the wedding, my father, a widower, came to visit a number of times, and he fell in love with my step-daughter.

    My father eventually married her.

    As a result, my step-daughter legally became my step-mother and my father my son-in-law.

    My father’s wife (also my step-daughter) and my step-mother, gave birth to a son who is my grandchild because I am the husband of my
    step-daughter’s mother.

    This boy is also my brother, as the son of my father. And, as you can see, my wife became a grandmother, because she is the mother of my father’s wife.

    Therefore, it appears that I am also my wife’s grandchild.

    A short time after these events, my wife gave birth to a son, who became my father’s brother-in-law, the step-son of my father’s wife, and my uncle.

    My son is also my step-mother’s brother, and through my step-mother, my wife has become a grandmother and I have become my own grandfather.

    In light of the above mentioned, I would like to know the following:

    Does my son, who is also my uncle, my father’s son-in-law, and my step-mother’s brother fulfil the requirements for receiving childcare benefits?


    Sincerely yours,

    Mohammed.


    THE ANSWER FROM
    CENTRELINK:-

    Of course you qualify Mohammed!

    We have arranged to start mailing cheques to all of you, just as soon as you arrive here in Australia.


    Welcome!

    Our Sincere Regards,

    Centreflunky

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    The original! (well, almost.)
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    Prince Phillips first words after his road accident "actually I do own the bloody road"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    5000 men were surveyed as to why they like to receive oral sex.

    1% liked the warmth

    2% liked the sensation

    3% liked the eroticism,







    94%

    just liked the peace and quiet!

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    Seamus went down to his local barber Paddy recently for a haircut.

    Problem is, he only had a total of three hairs on his head. Nevertheless, he tells Paddy "A little off de top der Paddy."

    Paddy pulls out his scissors and diligently trims the three hairs to the same length, before pulling out his comb and proceeding to finish the "haircut".

    "Oh bejaysus Seamus! One of ya hairs just fell out!" Undeterred, Seamus tells him "Not to worry der Paddy, ders still me two left."

    Paddy keeps combing, but to his horror, the second last hair also falls out.

    "Oh bejaysus, Son of Mary and Joseph! Seamus, another one of ya hairs just fookin' fell out, what do ya want me to do for ya now?"

    To which Seamus replies, "Oh, well, ye might as well just leave me hair all messy like dat."
    Last edited by irritant; 20-01-19 at 05:13 AM.

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    Last edited by irritant; 21-01-19 at 03:29 AM. Reason: change

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Fred, a lifelong (white) racist living in the western suburbs of Sydney, is in a major car crash.

    When he comes round three days later in hospital, the surgeon says:
    "I've got good news and bad news.....

    The bad news is you have had two pints of African blood and two pints of Muslim blood".

    Fred screams, "What the hell is the good news then?"

    "Your penis is six inches longer and you are top of the housing list."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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