Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.


    It's a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.


    The difference is staggering.
    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    My neighbour Winston was staggering drunk down the street last night. I offered him a lift home, and he accepted and got in.

    Wow, it's a long f*cking drive to Ghana.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A modern day cowboy named Ken has spent many days crossing the South Dakota prairies without water. His horse had already died of thirst. He's crawling along the dusty ground, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the ground several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the ground and discovers what looks to be an old briefcase.

    He opens it and out pops a genie named Patty, but she is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull grey outfit. There's a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. 'Well, cowboy,' says the genie, 'you know how I work. You have three wishes.'

    'I'm not falling for this,' said the Cowboy. 'I'm not going to trust an IRS genie.'

    'What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!'

    The cowboy thinks about this for a minute and decides that the genie is right. ‘OK! I wish I were along-side a lush spring with plenty of food and drink.'

    ***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself beside the most beautiful spring he has ever seen, and he's surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

    'OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish?'

    'My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.'

    ** *POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

    'OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!'

    After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says, 'I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.'

    ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon.

    Moral of the story: If the U.S. Government offers to help you, there's going to be a string attached.

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    My neighbour walked past with two dogs. I said to him, "I didn't know you had any dogs."

    He replied, "They're not my dogs, they're my sisters."

    "Sh!t, ugliest sisters I've ever seen."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Viagra won't fix that......

    Sent from my VOG-L09 using Tapatalk

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    Then one day we decided that we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted in a clean house, So we had kids.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Going through my attic yesterday, I came across my old porn collection.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    I took a vow of poverty!
    I got married and had kids.
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    I was standing on the edge of a cliff, contemplating jumping off, when I remembered that your life flashes before your eyes just before you die...childhood, marriage, kids.....

    I thought to myself: "F*ck this... I'm not going through THAT sh!t again."
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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