Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #10381
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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  • #10382
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    I can't help thinking that they could refloat the ship stuck in the Suez canal, if they chucked half the shipping containers over the side.

    Surely the refugees in them are dead anyway?.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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  • 29-03-21, 05:16 PM

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  • #10384
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    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    I can't help thinking that they could refloat the ship stuck in the Suez canal, if they chucked half the shipping containers over the side.

    Surely the refugees in them are dead anyway?.
    Just trying to help you here,lol

    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Cheers, Tiny
    "You can lead a person to knowledge, but you can't make them think? If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem.
    The information is out there; you just have to let it in."

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The pub phone answering charges one above is similar to one I've seen before... but applies penalties for non-payment:

    FEES FOR TELEPHONE CALLS:

    I can't see him........50c

    Haven't seen him all day.......$1.00

    He just left.......$1.50

    Haven't seem him all week......... $2.00


    Penalty rates for non-payment or the following will be said:

    He's here, hang on... .50c

    He just left with a mate.....$1.00

    He's pissed......$5.00

    He just left with a girl......$10.00

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    An Irishman an Englishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar in Sydney. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent, the food exceptional.

    "Y'know" said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. Why in Glasgow there's a little bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much that when you buy 4 drinks he will buy the 5th drink for you."

    "Well" said the Englishman, "At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your 3rd drink after you buy the first 2."

    "Ahhh that's nothin'" said the Irishman. "Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house."

    The Englishman and Scotsman immediately pour scorn on the Irishman's claims. He swears every word is true. "Well" said the Englishman, "Did this actually happen to you."

    "Not me myself, personally, no," said the Irishman. "But it did happen to my sister."

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  • #10394
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    Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :


    My Dear Wife,

    You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
    years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value
    you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you
    will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
    with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be
    upset----I shall be home before midnight.


    When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:


    My Dear Husband,

    I received your letter and thank you for your honesty
    about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to
    remind you that You are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths
    teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you
    read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my
    students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile,
    and like your secretary, is 18 years old.
    As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you
    will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small
    difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18.
    Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

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  • #10395
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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The wife walked in on me while I was in the computer and she asked me what I was doing?

    "I’m just buying some flights for when we’re out of lockdown."

    She burst into tears, ripped off my clothes, and gave me the best head job ever !!

    To be honest, I didn’t even know she liked darts......
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

    What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

    I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

    Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

    I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolworths.

    Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

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    The senior citizen drove his brand new BMW i8 convertible out of the car sales room.

    Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 110 kph enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

    "Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the Hume Highway, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

    Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

    "I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly gent as he floored it to 160kph, then 170, then 180kph.

    Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

    Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10minutes.Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

    The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

    "Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman.

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    Dan goes to a show in his home state. A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in Osceola, Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

    The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''



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    We just found out Grandad is addicted to Viagra.

    Grandma is taking it hard.

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