Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #10141
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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  • #10142
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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Default Buddha Quotes

    BUDDHA was quoted:

    There are three things that cannot be easily hidden: The Sun, the Moon, and
    the Truth.

    The following are 2 Simple Truths, 5 Rules of Life, and 3 Bonus Rules:


    SIMPLE TRUTH 1:

    Lovers help each other undress before sex.

    However, after sex, they always dress on their own.

    Moral of the story -- In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.



    SIMPLE TRUTH 2:

    When a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,

    "Congratulations." But none go up to the man, touch his penis and say

    "Good Job."

    Moral of the story -- Hard work is rarely appreciated.


    FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE:

    1. Money can't buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a
    Porsche than on a bicycle.

    2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

    3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you
    when they're in trouble again.

    4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

    5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.



    BONUS RULES:

    1. Condoms do not guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one
    when he was shot by the woman's husband.

    2. I think all politicians should wear uniforms. You know, like NASCAR
    drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.

    3. Also, all politicians should serve only two terms -- one in office and
    one in prison.

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    Stop taking the piss out of Biden!

    That's his nurse's job.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    New research shows porn gives young people an unrealistic and unhealthy idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    My mate Jack was hitch-hiking along Albany Highway on a very dark night when a storm blew up. He could hardly see his thumb in front of him but he's a plucky bugger and battled on until, finally, a car emerged out of the rain and stopped.
    Thanking the storm gods for his deliverance, Jack jumped into the car and closed the door - only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running.
    He was looking round in bewilderment when he got an even bigger surprise: the car started moving slowly forward.
    After a short time the rain eased off a bit and he saw a curve in the road up ahead. Scared, he started to pray, and gaped in disbelief when a hand came through the driver’s side window and started turning the wheel.
    As the car silently rolled round the corner he saw a servo ahead so he jumped out and ran up to it. Wet through and struggling for breath, he rushed inside and started telling the man behind the counter about the incredible experience he had just had.
    Behind him, the door of the servo slid open again and two men staggered in from the dark and stormy night. Like Jack, they were also soaked and out of breath.
    "I told you he'd be in here," 0ne of them said to his mate: “That’s the stupid bastard who got in the car while we were pushing it!'
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

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