Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    An Afghanistan diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being
    Wined and dined by the State Department.

    The diplomat was not used to the salt in American foods (French fries,
    Cheeses, salami, anchovies, etc.) and was constantly sending his lowly
    Manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

    Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water,
    But then came the time when he returned empty handed.

    "Abdul, you son-of-an-ugly-camel, where is my water?" demanded the diplomat.

    "A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One," stammered the wretched Abdul.

    "But a man is sitting on the well!"

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    Screams of passion.

    An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion.

    The Italian said:
    "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin Olive oil. Then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop for five minutes."

    The Frenchman said:
    "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special Aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight."

    The Aussie said:
    That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."


    The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? ......Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you do it, to make her scream for two hours?"

    The Aussie replied, "I wiped my hands on the curtains."
    I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    THE PERFECT HUSBAND

    Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"...

    WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

    MAN: "Yes."

    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"

    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

    WOMAN:"I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."

    MAN: "How much?"

    WOMAN: "$90,000." ;

    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

    WOMAN:"Great! Oh, and one more
    thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."

    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."

    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"

    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

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    Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    sorry wrong thread
    Last edited by OSIRUS; 23-02-19 at 10:35 AM.
    Become a Premium Member and support the Austech Forum

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    The wife rang giggling, "The kids are at mum's, I've a bottle of Chardonnay and I'm in my new negligee in front of the fire with some strawberries and cream, so what are you going to do about it big boy?"

    "Hmmmmmm..........what sort of wine was it again?"
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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    A clinical look at Brexit


    Physicians were unable to reach a consensus: Should Brexit take place? The Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Brexiters had a lot of nerve. Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted. Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!" The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow. The Plastic Surgeons opined that May’s proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter." The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea. Anaesthesiologists thought it was all a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no. In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in Parliament.

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    The new Einstein theory.

    If you were to strip naked and run around in a circle at the speed of 186,282 miles/sec (the speed of light), it would be theoretically possible for you to screw yourself !!

    However, since you are not physically capable of achieving that speed at your age, you can also accomplish the same result by voting for Labor in the next election.

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    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

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