My fat wife of 30 years winked at me and said that we should have sex with the lights out tonight.
And she wonders why I'm afraid of the dark.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy'..
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off.. He Falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts
himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face, 'Shoite, Shoite !'
He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to The door and some fresh air he'll be fine.. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.
'Bi'Jesus .... I'm pissed,' he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door, hauls himself up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.. he takes a look up the stairs and says 'No Way. He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the bed'. He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He finally falls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, 'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last Night ?'
Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was pissed. But how did you know?'
V
'Mick phoned . . . . . You left your wheelchair at the pub.'
A guy shoved his charity bucket in front of my face.
He said, "Do you wish to change the lives of those that are starving?"
I stopped and said, "Do you?"
"Do I?" he hesitated. "Of course I do."
I said, "Then get the f*ck out of my way, you're between me and Maccas."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Religion can provide the answers to many of life's questions. Like..
Who created us?
What happens when we die?
What excuse can I use to blow up those pricks over there?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
fred49au (20-10-15)
A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass,
two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain
around his neck; walked into the
Centrelink to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing
welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like
taking advantage of the system, getting
something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your
timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have
to drive around in his 2013 Mercedes-Benz CL, and
he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.
You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the
daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong
sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said,
"You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....
Our dog came running up to us for a cuddle.
"I love you the mostest Freddy," my wife said, stroking his fur.
"I love him more than you," I replied.
Wife: "I don't think so, I definitely love him the most."
Me: "You misunderstood me."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
After retiring, a former Gunnery Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job a s a high school teacher.
Just before the school year started, he injured his back.
He was required to wear a light plaster cast around the upper part of his body.
Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable when he wore his suit coat
On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school.
The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom.
Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk.
When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.
Dead silence ... The rest of the year went smoothly.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Michael J Fox was arrested today for shoplifting.
Serves him right for trying to steal a tambourine.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
fred49au (23-10-15)
A RIDE IN THE TAXI
A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.
"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.
The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with a lot of men for money."
The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"
His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.
After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"
"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.
A priest stands alone in his church. It is a beautiful old church with a great tall bell tower. Suddenly, the front doors of the church open and a hobbled old man walks in. He is barely able to walk and his back is so hunched he can barely look up at the priest. The old man walks up to the priest and says;
"Father, please help me. I am an old, tired, and feeble man. All I want is a purpose and a bed to sleep in. Is there anything I can do for your church? Any way I can be of some help to someone?"
The priest looked down at the sad old man with pity in his heart and said;
"My son, it grieves me to see one of God's children in such a state. Of course you are welcome to stay here, but you need not work to earn your keep."
To which the old man replied;
"But Father, I seek a job, a purpose, something to give my remaining time some meaning."
The priest thought, then said;
"Well, it's not much, but we do need a new bell ringer, though I fear it may be to strenuous a task for you."
The old man said;
"I'll do it. Please just give me a chance."
So the priest lead the old man to the top if the bell tower, showed him how to pull the ropes to ring the gigantic bells, and showed him the bed for him there in the tower.
"You can stay here. We will bring you food everyday and all you must do is ring the bell every hour, on the hour, the appropriate number of times," The priest said.
The old man thanked him and the priest returned down stairs.
As the first hour drew near, the priest began to worry. He thought of the man's hunched back and his twisted arms, and began to doubt the man would be able to ring the huge bell. But sure enough, when the hour came, the bell rang loudly and clearly and the appropriate number of times.
For the next few days, the priest worries lessened as the bell continued to ring perfectly every time.
One night, as the priest sat reading in his study, he began to be curious about how the broken old man was doing it. He had been so sure the man's wilted body would not be capable of exerting the effort required to ring the great bell.
So, near the hour of 9, he quietly went up the tower to watch. As the time grew near, he watched the man get up from his bed and stand facing the bell at a few paces. The man checked the clock and when the hour hit 9 exactly he charged face first into the bell, creating a resonant, clear ring. The man repeated this eight more times, ringing the bell with his own face each time.
The priest watched in horror, but when the old man finished and turn back to his bed, among the bruises and cuts on the man's face, there was a giant smile. He was so happy to have a purpose and home that he almost didn't feel the pain.
The priest returned downstairs, worried, but unsure what to do. He decided that he would let the man continue, but he would make sure to check on him more often.
Finally, Sunday came and the church was full of people. The priest gave his sermon and listened as the bell rang proudly in the middle of it. An hour after that, during a hymn, the bell began to ring again, but, unlike any time before it, the bell stopped two rings short of the proper number.
The priest was worried by this, but was unable to stop the service, and knew it would be over soon.
After the service, he was heading for the base of the tower when he heard a great deal of noise coming from outside. He was worried about the old man, but felt he needed to check outside first.
When he got outside, he saw a huge crowd of people near the base of the tower, all focused on something on the ground in the middle of the group. He quickly made his way through the crowd to the middle, only to find the broken body of the old man lying there in a heap.
The priest assumed the man, in one of his mad charges at the bell, had missed and tumbled from the tower to the ground below.
"Father, did you know this man?" someone asked.
"No" said the priest, "but his face rings a bell."
Groan.....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
I couldn't help but overhear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired."
His buddy says, "Man I'm exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time.
She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."
A fellow about age 70, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her. That'll put a stop to that shit."
I got a job working in a strip club, the manager said, "You'll love it here, it pays quite well," He winked. "And I'll make sure you're on Barbie every night. Barbie's the best, everyone loves Barbie..."
"Great! I can't wait," I said as I shook his hand and left with a new found spring in my step. Later that night I returned for my first shift where I was greeted again by the manager, "Hope you're ready!" He said. "It's going to be a busy one tonight."
"Sure am," I replied. "Where's Barbie?" I asked rubbing my hands together in anticipation.
"It's over there," He replied. "Opposite Bar A."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."
"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
I heard that Daniel Craig wasn't going to play James Bond anymore and mentioned to my wife that I wouldn't mind auditioning for the part
She replied that she wouldn't mind auditioning for a female role in a bond movie.
I told her that the character Ian Fleming created wasn't called "Arse Galore".
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Hello -- I have questions!
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like..........night!!!!
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