A rich Arab walks into a crowded bar and is about to order a drink, when he sees a guy close by wearing a Jewish cap, a prayer shawl/tzitzis and traditional locks of hair.
He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is Jewish.
So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Jew over there."
Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Jew gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you !" in an equally loud voice.
This infuriates the Arab.
He once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Jew.
As before, this does not seem to bother the Jewish guy.
He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"
He does this once again for the third time, but not for the Jew again.
The Arab gets real cranky so he asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Jew?
"I have ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar, all 200 of them, except him and all the silly bugger does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"
"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place
To get a feel for his audience,
the lecturer asks,
"How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start.
Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.
Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.
The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks,
"So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"
Ahmed replied,
"Shit, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
If I HAVE to go to hell, I want to go to muslim hell.
They only thing to eat is bacon.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
The waitress walks up to one of her tables and is shocked to see three Japanese men, all sat there masturbating violently. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" she screams. One of the Japanese guys looks up and says, "Well, it says on the menu, First come, First served!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running
I don't understand how people can say ISIS and Saudi Arabia are the same thing.
I mean, one is a terrorist group that:
Uses torture on a daily basis
Beheads opponents
Relies on oil for its existence
The other is a country that:
Uses torture on a daily basis
Beheads opponents
Relies on oil for its existence
Is the chair of the UN Human Rights Council.
See? Completely different. But, should you need an illustration.....
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Many may have noticed I've not been online here very much.
That's because I've landed a contract with the Assad Gov't in Syria to make land mines that look like Moslem Prayer Rugs.
Let me tell you that business has been booming and prophets have been going through the roof.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I need help doing this crossword.
10 across, 6 letters: Somewhere you'd expect to find Muslims.
M O _ _ U E
Whaddaya reckon? Morgue?
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
TWO PRAWNS
Far away in the tropical waters of the Coral Sea , two prawns were swimming around.
One called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area.
Finally one day Justin said to Christian, 'I'm fed up with being a prawn;
I wish I was a shark, and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten.'
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, 'Your wish is granted'
Lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.
Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely.
All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them.
Justin began to realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.
'Where's Christian?' he asked.
'He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark', came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode.
As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back.
He banged on the door and shouted, 'It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.'
Christian replied, 'No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner.'
Justin cried back 'No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed.'.........
'I've found Cod.
I'm a Prawn again Christian'
Groaannnnnn!
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
A husband and wife are getting all snuggly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says, "WHAT?"
The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.
So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store.
He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewellery Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings.
The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet. The husband says, "You don't even play tennis but, okay, if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down, she's so excited - she cannot believe what is going on.
She says, "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife's face goes blank. "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while"
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says, "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
Donald Trump has sparked outrage by calling for a ban on all Muslims entering the United States because he says they scare everyone.
It would be more useful if he focused on the real things most Americans are actually afraid of, like diet and exercise.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Do you know how copper wire was invented?
Two Jews fighting over a penny.
His funeral was last Thursday.Originally Posted by Rick
How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it.
(probably more fact than a joke)
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..
They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.
There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of teddy bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side, but doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! 'Maybe he could be the future
father of my children?'
She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds.
And he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom, where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf
...The barman says, "We don't serve time-travelers here."
An hour later a time-traveler walks into a bar...
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money.
Last night I did a sheila called Penny – spooky or what?
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