And an ode to Ronnie Barker - this sketch was completed in one take.....
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.
At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.
One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.
The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian.
She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks.
The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.
At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. ‘Mist all chucking frighty!!!’ said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.
The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella’s door and the sugly isters let him in… Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.
‘Who’s fust jarted??’ asked the prandsome hince. ‘Blame that fugly ucker over there!!’ said Mary Hinge.
When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.
He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.
The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
There's high expectation about a new film out this Xmas about one New Zealanders sexual conquests.
It's set to be a flockbuster.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
An English tourist was driving through the Outback of Australia when he noticed a man on the side of the road having sex with a kangaroo.
A few kilometres further on he came upon a small Outback town, so he parked his car and went into the pub for a drink.
He grabbed a cold beer, sat at a table, and then took a look around the bar.
He immediately noticed a one-legged guy sitting over at a corner table, masturbating without a care in the world.
The English tourist turned to the barman and said, "What sort of country is this?
A few kilometres back down the road there was this guy having sex with a kangaroo and now that guy in the corner is masturbating in full view of everyone."
The barman said, "You heartless bastard. He's only got one leg. How do you expect him to catch a kangaroo?"
The wife came dancing into the living room wearing a new dress she had bought.
Pushing her hands down over her hips and looked at a window reflection and said "Do you think this dress I'm wearing makes me look fat?"
I looked over the paper "No, it's the fat your wearing that makes you look fat."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
"That's John, that's Dave and that's Danny. They were all shot and killed. They went far too young".
To civilized people, that's your grandad telling you about the war.
To Americans, it's your dad showing you his high school class photo.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Sadly, this is reality, not so much a joke.Originally Posted by enf
This is a reality free zone!
Now for those of us old enough to remember Bonnie
Last edited by mi_tasol; 18-12-15 at 07:36 AM.
This maths test can predict your all time hero, and the person you most aspire to be like. Try it without looking at the answers.
Pick a number between 1 and 9
Then x3
Then +3
Then x3 again.
You'll get a 2 digit number.
Add the two digits together to find the number of the person you most aspire to be like.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
1. Muhammed Ali
2. Alan Shearer
3. Bob Marley
4. Winston Churchill
5. Elvis Presley
6. Pele
7. John Lennon
8. John F Kennedy
9. Garry Glitter
See how accurate it is? You sicko!
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
South African Dutchman Van der Merwe had never before been out of South Africa. While on holiday in Australia he decided to spend an afternoon visiting Bondi Beach.
As he sat on the beach looking out to sea he saw a long line of black
Dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by,
"What are all those little black things out there?"
"They're buoys," said the Aussie.
"Boys?!" replied Van der Merwe. "What are they doing out there?"
"Holding up the shark net," the Aussie told him.
"Fockin great country!" said Van der Merwe, deeply impressed,
"We'd never get away with that at home!
What do you get when you cross a woman with a chainsaw?
Blissful silence.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I met a Chinese girl when I was in Shanghai. I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number so that I could call her.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend interpreted it for me & told me what she really said : 666136429
I was standing in a bar in Brisbane yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?"
He says "No, why you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?"
"No," I say, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick."
It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their Guinness, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'
'You're the eighth".
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
According to physicists, time stops at the event horizon of a black hole.
It also stops when you're shopping with your wife at the mall.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm living next door to a Muslim couple at the moment.
They have 3 little brat kids and they've challenged me to a water fight in the back yard,
So I'm just writing this while the kettle boils !
I'm sick to death of people knocking on my door looking for donations.
Just had one from the sperm bank.
Boy, did I give her a mouthful.
What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum, you just can't beat it!
"I bet you could wrap Christmas presents with your eyes closed by now," I said to my wife.
"I probably could," she laughed.
"Great, I'll just go and get yours," I said.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
In a pub quiz the other day I lost by one point.
The question I got wrong was, 'Where do most women have curly hair?'
Apparently, it's Africa.
My wife called me a gullible c*nt this morning.
I was so stunned I almost dropped my bible.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
You can justifiably say lots of bad things about paedophiles'
But at least they drive slowly past schools.
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