Life
On the first day, God created the dog and said, “sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this I will give you a life span of twenty years.”
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God said that it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God again said that it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch.
Old Dr.Geezers Clinic
An old Dr. Geezer became very bored in retirement and decided
to open a clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Specialist treatment for $500. If not cured, you get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old Dr.Geezer didn't know beans
about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to make a quick $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth.
Can you please help me??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and
put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: “Aaagh!! -- That's Petrol!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back.
That will be $500."
Dr. Young is annoyed and returns after a couple of days
figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and
put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- That's Petrol"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes
back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything“ he complains.
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back."
(giving him a $10 bill).
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of the story --
Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer"!
file:///C:/Users/Roger/AppData/Local/Temp/unnamed.htm
There is a fine line between "Hobby" and "Madness"
cobra679 (16-01-16)
I said to my mate, "I saw a muslim get thrown under a bus today!"
He said, "Oh my God, was it moving?"
I said, "Well a few on-lookers were crying but I was fine."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"
The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."
The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter."
I just realised that Christianity isn't all crap. Jesus once said "He who lives by the sword will die by the sword."
As he was a carpenter who got nailed to a piece of wood, he MAY have had a point.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
One day, an engineer died and went to heaven. But, St. Peter said "I can't let you in because your name is not on the list." So the engineer went down to Hell and was let in. Well, he stayed there for a couple of days and then decided that, it was too hot and everything was inaccessible. So he built flushing toilets, air conditioning, running water and a lot of other things. One day God calls down and says to Satan, "So Satan, how's it down there in hell?? " and Satan says: "Well, it's great, I've got an engineer down here and he has build air conditioning, running water, flushing toilets, and I don't know what else, he's gonna build next. Then God asks, "You've got an engineer down there?" "That's a big mistake, send him up here right now!" and Satan replies, "No way this is the best thing that's ever happened to hell." and God says, "send him up or I'll sue!!" and Satan says smirking, "Now just where are you gonna get a lawyer
I recently picked a new GP.
After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly
well’ for my age (I've just reached 73).
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 85?'
He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?
'Oh not much grog these days and don't smoke' I replied. 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'
Then he asked, 'Do you eat rib-eye steaks, fatty roasts and barbecued
Ribs?
'I said, 'Not much .... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!'
'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, surfing, hiking, or bicycling?'
'No, I don't,' I said.
He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lots of sex?'
'No,' I said ...
He looked at me and said 'Then, why the F--- do you want to live to 85?
Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.
A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.
So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site.
She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.
Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?
Morris Fishbien, he replied.
Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?
For about 60 years.
60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?
I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.
I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop. I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man.
How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?
Like I'm talking to a fu*king brick wall!"
I was musing about the dinner my wife and I had just had.
I'd said to her "You know, in some cultures women do all the work."
She replied "That's right. And in some cultures blow jobs don't exist."
Anyway, enough of that. Back to the dishes.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
This morning I went to Centrelink to sign my dogs up for benefits.
The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits."
So, I explained to her that my dogs are coloured, unemployed,
bone lazy, can't speak English and have no frigging clue who their Dads are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques next Friday.
Statistical studies show women only make 85 cents for every buck a man makes.
Where as court documents show women get 85 cents for every buck a man has.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is Scotsmen who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Irish
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto McTavish but my friends call me Paddy".
I decided to go to the local Mosque for the first time, to see what it was all about.
I sat down and the Imam came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."
I told him I was not paralysed… I can walk.
He came back and laid his hands on me and repeated "By the will of Allah the All Mighty, and the Prophet Muhammad, you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there is nothing wrong with me.
After the prayers, I stepped outside and bugger me... my car had gone!
You can learn alot using Google, and the search button.....
I just watched The Revenant. It appears that Leonardo DiCaprio can actually swim in cold water rather well........
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
irritant (10-08-16)
Doctors say each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.
Based on that math I should have died in 1732
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Your history lesson for today..
Do you know what happened 164 years ago this summer....
September 9, 1850?
California became a state! The people had no electricity, the state had no money
And almost everyone spoke Spanish. There were gunfights in the streets.
So basically NOTHING has changed except back then the women
Had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.
And that, my friends, is your history lesson for today.
A teacher asked the children in her third year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as an S.A.S. Officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militants and return as a national hero. Then I'd become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find myself the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an Infinite Visa Card, and all the while bang her like a loose screen door in a hurricane."
The teacher - shocked and not knowing what to do with this unfortunate response from little Johnny - decided not to acknowledge what he had said and simply tried to continue with the lesson.
"And how about you, Sarah?"
"I want to be Johnny's tart!"
There were these three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away.
There were two city girls and one farm girl. The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.
They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile.
Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”
He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don 't forget to take them”.
He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her that should also work.
He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.
They all met again one year later and the two city girls were pregnant.
Only the farm girl was still slim and trim. Well, the counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”'
He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”
He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”
She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I am quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down.
Now as we are making love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ....
“I kick the bucket out from under him”
So, Rupert Murdoch has become engaged to Jerry Hall.
He's finally found someone who enjoys screwing people for money as much as he does.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
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