I got a sweater for Christmas.
Pity.
What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner!
I got sick of my son always asking for money....so I introduced him to a 100% guaranteed money making scheme..
Its called a job.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
I'm currently serving a short jail sentence and this morning I got talking to a muslim inmate.
"Why are you in here?" I asked him.
"Murder," he replied. "Three of 'em. I killed my daughter for talking to a white boy, killed him too and then killed my wife for complaining about it."
"No no no. I meant why are you in HERE - this is the shower block."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Heard about the latest in Muslim sex dolls?
They blow themselves up!
Years ago it was suggested that, "An apple a day keeps the doctor away."
But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I've found that a bacon sandwich works great!
Three Nurses working in a morgue discover a Dead Man with a hard on, the 1st Nurse says 'I can't let that go to waste', & rides him. The 2nd Nurse does the same. The 3rd Nurse hesitates & explains she is on her period, but does him anyway. Then the Man sits up & the Nurses apologize saying they thought he was dead. The Man replies 'I was, but after two jump starts & a blood transfusion I feel great!!!'
Seven year old Mohammad entered his classroom on the first day of school.
"What's your name?", asked the teacher.
"Mohammad," he replied.
"You're in Ireland now," replied the teacher, "So from now on you will be known as Mike."
Mohammad returned home after school. "How was your day, Mohammad?", his mother asked
"My name is not Mohammad. I'm in Ireland and now my name is Mike.
"Are you ashamed of your name? Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!"
And his mother beat the shit out of him. Then she called his father, who beat the shit out of him again.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. The teacher saw all of his fresh bruises.
"What happened to you, Mike?", she asked.
"Well shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two f**king Muslims."
A young Naval Officer was in a terrible car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear. Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. However, during his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.
One day the Admiral was interviewing 3 Navy Master Chiefs for his personal staff. The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"
The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I don't know whether this impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.
The third interview was with the Nuclear Submarine Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the question.
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
To his surprise the Submariner said, "Yes, Sir. You wear contact lenses."
The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful sailor.
"And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.
The Submariner replied, "Well sir, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one f**king ear."
I was at a job interview today, and the interviewer said, "It says on your CV that you are quick at mental arithmetic. What's seventeen times nineteen?"
I immediately said, "Thirty-six."
He said, "That's not even close."
I said, "Yeah, but it was quick."
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.. ...
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand..
Oh send a king to make me queen...
A man who loves to cook and clean..
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother...
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit..
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Glossary of computer terms
Alpha
Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."
Beta
Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work." It is worth noting that "Release 1.0" can also be translated as "still doesn't work but rent was due".
Computer
Instrument of torture. The first computer was invented by Roger "Duffy" Billingsly, a British scientist. In a plot to overthrow Adolf Hitler, Duffy disguised himself as a German ally and offered his invention as a gift to the surly dictator. The plot worked. On April 8, 1945, Adolf became so enraged at the "Incompatible File Format" error message that he shot himself. The war ended soon after Hitler's death, and Duffy began working for IBM.
CPU
Central propulsion unit. The CPU is the computer's engine. It consists of a hard drive, an interface card and a tiny spinning wheel that's powered by a running rodent - a gerbil if the machine is a old machine, a ferret if it's more recent and a ferret on speed if it's a "performance model".
Default Directory
Black hole. Default directory is where all files that you need disappear to. The default directory exists in part to ensure you lose some important files when you (or a virus) reformat your hard drive.
Error message
Terse, baffling remark used by programmers to place blame on users for the program's shortcomings.
File
A document that has been saved with an unidentifiable name. It helps to think of a file as something stored in a file cabinet - except when you try to remove the file, the cabinet gives you an electric shock and tells you the file format is unknown.
Hardware
Collective term for any computer-related object that can be kicked or battered, often without breaking.
Help
What we all need. Actually, it is the feature that assists in generating more questions. When the help feature is used correctly, users are able to navigate through a series of Help screens and end up where they started from without learning anything... but now it's their fault and they should buy more RAM.
Input/Output
Information is input from the keyboard as intelligible data and output to the printer as unrecognizable junk.
Interim Release
A programmer's feeble attempt at repentance.
Memory
Of computer components, the most generous in terms of variety, and the skimpiest in terms of quantity.
Printer
A joke in poor taste. A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
Programmers
Computer avengers. Once members of that group of high school nerds who wore tape on their glasses, played Dungeons and Dragons, and memorized Star Trek episodes; now millionaires who create "user-friendly" software to get revenge on whoever gave them noogies.
Reference Manual
Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.
Scheduled Release Date
A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.
User-Friendly
Of or pertaining to any feature, device or concept that makes perfect sense to a programmer.
Users
Collective term for those who stare vacantly at a monitor. Users are divided into three types: novice, intermediate and expert.
* Novice Users - People who are afraid that simply pressing a key might break their computer.
* Intermediate Users - People who don't know how to fix their computer after they've just pressed a key that broke it.
* Expert Users - People who break other people's computers.
"Looking at your palm," said the fortune teller, "I can tell you're single and sexually frustrated, and have been for a while."
"That's amazing!" I said. "How did you know?"
"Your dick is in it," she replied.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink. The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.” "That's correct", said the boss. Another glass... “This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.” "Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly. The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
One for the cat lovers
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
Sod it, let's offend everyone!
I came out of the chip shop with a meat & potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man, sitting there, said, “I've not eaten for two days.”
I told him, “I wish I had your will power!”
I took my biology exam last Friday.
I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "young blacks" and "Romanian gypsies" were not the correct answers.
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today.
She said, “Sorry about the wait.”
I said, “Don't worry dear. You might lose it eventually.”
I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop as I went into the bank.
When I came out, he looked at me and said, “Any change?”
I said “No, you're still black”.
An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road.
A man asks him,“What's wrong?”
The boy says,“Me ma is dead”.
“Oh bejaysus" the man says.
“Do you want me to call Father O'Riley for you?”
The boy replies,“No tanks mister. Sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.”
Years ago it was suggested, that an apple a day kept the doctor away.
But since all the doctors are now Muslims, I've found that a bacon sandwich works better !
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
mouth shut.
I hate all this terrorist business.
I used to love the days, when you could look at an unattended bag on a train or a bus and think to yourself, "I'm gonna take that!"
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland.
He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts down to him, “Where am I ?”
The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back, "You can't fool me. You're in that basket up there."
I had a Trivia Competition in the bag until the very last question,----which I got wrong.
The question was, "Where do women have the curliest hair ?"
Apparently the correct answer was Fiji.
A woman has a medical at the doctors.
“You are grossly overweight,” he says.
”I want a 2nd opinion,” she exclaims.
” OK. You're bloody ugly as well.”
That should more or less cover everyone......
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
You missed some....
---------------------------------------
Leaded Petrol. Keeping the "dreamtime" going for decades.
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Whats with Adam Goodes? A few boos and the guy goes apeshit!
---------------------------------------
And don't forget us...........
At the last election, one of the major concerns was the number of illegal immigrants in the country.
The government said it was about 60,000. Aboriginal sources said that there were around 25 million of the arseholes.
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
Godzilla (20-01-16),hazman (20-01-16),lsemmens (19-01-16),Seymour Butts (19-01-16),Tiny (19-01-16)
I find that hard to believe......Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter-speed, that it is now possible to take a photograph of a woman with her
mouth shut.
I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
This has to have been posted before, it's as old as the hills and too be honest I'm too Fnnn lazy to go check
I have questions!
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one out of five enjoy it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?
Why, Why, Why do we press harder on the remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?
Why do banks charge a fee due to insufficient funds; when they already know you're broke?
Why is it that when someone tells you that there are one billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you there is wet paint you have to touch it to check?
Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that, no matter what colour bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people run over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it and then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will ever open from the first end you try?
How do those dead bugs get into the enclosed light fixtures?
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
Why, in winter, do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?
And A FAVORITE:
The statistics on sanity say that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness.
Think of your three best friends. If they're OK..? (then it's you!)
REMEMBER, A day without a smile is like a day without sunshine!
And a day without sunshine is, like.......... well, it's like night really !!!!
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning the bitch in the morning.
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The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did.......?
she's 21 and her name's Lucy.
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Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting "paedophile" and other names at me, just because?my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50.?
It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
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The thing I love most about hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops.... although, they do make me look a bit gay.
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Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the?Kent Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another?man of the same calibre."
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My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."
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Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
__________________________________________________ __
Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour, as I started to feel?sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."
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Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ?
17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am notunderstanding the question please."
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On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependents?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakistanis, Somalis, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads, and non-English speaking people" isn't the right answer.
They've sent my form back.
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The queen says she doesn't want the traditional fruit cake at her jubilee celebrations. Prince Phillip says he doesn't give a toss, he's still going.
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The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries.
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Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she?wants the 12 clothes pegs back.
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