The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

[enf]

[wotnot]

[lsemmens]

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery....


He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,

"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like

no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,

"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry

way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same

monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..

That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had

heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,

"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.

If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk,

how do I become a monk?"

The monks reply,

"You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there

are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers,

you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and

knocks on the door of the monastery.

He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task

demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are

371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand

pebbles on the earth.

The monks reply,

"Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.

We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the

sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.

He asks, "May I have the key?"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....

The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of

ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind

that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on

until the man had gone through doors of emerald,.....

.....silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the

knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that

strange sound.

It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ...........

..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;



I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE BASTARD WHO STARTED THIS!

(It was the late great Dave Allen)

[enf]

[enf]

..............................(It was the late great Dave Allen)

Aaaaah....one of the greats.....

"I have a soft spot for politicians. It's a bog in the South of Ireland."

[SS Dave]

At a wedding ceremony, the priest asked if anyone had anything to say concerning the union of the bride and groom. It was their time to stand up and talk, or forever hold their peace.
The moment of utter silence was broken by a young beautiful woman carrying a child. She started walking toward the pastor slowly.
Everything quickly turned to chaos.
The bride slapped the groom.
The groom's mother fainted.
The groomsmen started giving each other looks and wondering how best to help save the situation.
The priest asked the woman, "Can you tell us why you came forward? What do you have to say?"
The woman replied, "We can't hear in the back."

[SS Dave]

[hazman]

[enf]

A study has found that every hot dog you eat takes 36 minutes off your life expectancy.

Phhht! I'd have just spent 'em eating hot dogs anyway.

[mtv]

[mtv]

[enf]

[lsemmens]

[OSIRUS]

[OSIRUS]

[enf]

[SS Dave]

When I was about 9 years old, I accompanied my father to the funeral of a friend of his, someone whom I didn't even know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the time to pass
Then a man approached me and said, 'Enjoy life kid, be happy because time flies. Then he passed his hand over my head and left.
My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person.
When I looked in the coffin, I was horrified to see that the man in the coffin was the same man who had just spoken to me!
I was so traumatized I couldn't sleep properly. I had terrible nightmares. I was terrified of being alone. I couldn't sleep without a night light for many years. I saw many psychologists, endured much turmoil throughout my adolescent years. It got better as I aged, but I would still occasionally wake up screaming in fear.
Years later, I discovered something incredible that changed my life.

The dead bastard had an identical twin!

[mtv]

[SS Dave]

[SS Dave]