Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #10981
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  2. The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-09-21),fred49au (19-09-21),gulliver (18-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),mtv (18-09-21),NoAIR (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)



  • #10982
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-09-21),fred49au (19-09-21),gulliver (18-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),mtv (18-09-21),SS Dave (18-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)

  • #10983
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (19-09-21),gulliver (19-09-21),hazman (19-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),mtv (18-09-21),NoAIR (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (18-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)

  • #10984
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (19-09-21),hazman (19-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),mtv (18-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (18-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)

  • #10985
    Member
    madtech's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Out of the city
    Posts
    361
    Thanks
    89
    Thanked 383 Times in 146 Posts
    Rep Power
    353
    Reputation
    7150

    Default

    Quote Originally Posted by enf View Post
    Only dropped once.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to madtech For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-09-21),gulliver (19-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)

  • #10986
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    5,296
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-09-21),fred49au (19-09-21),gulliver (19-09-21),hazman (19-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (18-09-21),mtv (18-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),william10 (18-09-21)

  • 18-09-21, 10:48 PM

    Reason
    A reminder yet again... no comments.

  • #10987
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (19-09-21),gulliver (19-09-21),hazman (19-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (19-09-21),mtv (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (19-09-21),william10 (19-09-21)

  • #10988
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (20-09-21),gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (19-09-21),mtv (19-09-21),NoAIR (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (19-09-21),william10 (19-09-21)

  • #10989
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default


  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (19-09-21),fred49au (20-09-21),gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (19-09-21),mandc (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (19-09-21),william10 (19-09-21)

  • #10990
    Premium Member
    wotnot's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2019
    Location
    Scenic Rim, SE Qld
    Posts
    3,236
    Thanks
    1,462
    Thanked 2,934 Times in 1,510 Posts
    Rep Power
    1334
    Reputation
    58690

    Default

    'impact gun' .... =)


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to wotnot For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (19-09-21),mtv (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (19-09-21),william10 (19-09-21)

  • #10991
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default


  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (19-09-21),fred49au (20-09-21),gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (19-09-21),NoAIR (19-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (20-09-21),william10 (20-09-21)

  • #10992
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (20-09-21),gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (20-09-21),mtv (20-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21)

  • #10993
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    5,296
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY:

    1. Feed him
    2. Sleep with him
    3. Leave him in peace
    4. Don't check his phone (Messages)
    5. Don't bother him with his movements
    6. Clean the house
    7. Wash his clothes


    HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY:

    You only needs to be:
    1. You need to be a friend
    2. You have to be a companion
    3. You have to be a lover
    4. You have to be a brother
    5. You have to be a father
    6. You will be a master
    7. You must be a chef
    8. You have to be an electrician
    9. You have to be a plumber
    10. You should learn to be a mechanic
    11. You should also be a carpenter
    12. You need to be a decorator
    13. You should be a stylist
    14. You have to be a sexologist
    15. You also have to be a gynecologist
    16. You need be a psychologist
    17. You must be a pest exterminator
    18. You must be a psychiatrist
    19. You need to be a healer
    20. You need to be a good listener
    21. You have to be an organizer
    22. You should learn to be a good father
    23. You should be very clean
    24. You must be sympathetic
    25. You need to be anathletic
    26. you have to be warm
    27. you need to be attentive
    28. you have to be gallant
    29. You must be intelligent
    30. You must be funny
    31. You must be very creative
    32. You must love her tenderly
    33. You need to be strong
    34. You must be understanding, whether you like it or not
    35. You need to be tolerant
    36. You must prudent
    37. You must be ambitious
    38. You must be capable
    39. You must be courageous
    40. You must be determined
    41. You must be true
    42. You have to be dependable
    43. You must be passionate
    WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
    44. You must give her compliments regularly
    45. You must tell her you love her always
    46. You need to go shopping with her
    47. You have to be honest
    48. You must not stress her out
    49. You must not look at other girls
    50. You need to give her lots of attention
    52. You must give her lots of time, especially time for herself
    52. You have to give her a lot of time to do whatever she wants to do
    53. You must hate whoever she tells you she hates
    54. You must always respect her parents
    55. You should not to ask for change when you give money to buy something.
    .
    My phone battery is low, I'll continue when I charge it.
    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 11 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    + Show/Hide list of the thanked

    carjackma (21-09-21),dashinson (20-09-21),enf (20-09-21),fred49au (21-09-21),gulliver (20-09-21),hazman (20-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (20-09-21),mtv (20-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),william10 (20-09-21)

  • #10994
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-09-21),fred49au (21-09-21),gulliver (21-09-21),hazman (21-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #10995
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    ammlione (21-09-21),gulliver (21-09-21),hazman (21-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),mtv (21-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #10996
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-09-21),gulliver (22-09-21),hazman (21-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),OSIRUS (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #10997
    Premium Member
    OSIRUS's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2008
    Location
    NSW
    Posts
    3,592
    Thanks
    10,571
    Thanked 2,466 Times in 958 Posts
    Rep Power
    1070
    Reputation
    37981

    Default

    Become a Premium Member and support the Austech Forum

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to OSIRUS For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-09-21),gulliver (22-09-21),hazman (21-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),mtv (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #10998
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-09-21),gulliver (22-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #10999
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    ammlione (21-09-21),dashinson (21-09-21),enf (21-09-21),gulliver (22-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (21-09-21),mtv (21-09-21),SS Dave (21-09-21),william10 (21-09-21)

  • #11000
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    A guy, on his wedding night is about to get it on with his newly wed for the first time in their hotel.

    They start to undress and he says, “God, I never realised that your tits were this small.”

    The wife gets all upset and understandably throws him out.

    While he is sitting in the lobby another guy comes down the hall. The first man said, “Hey, What happened?”

    “Well, I saw my wife naked for the first time tonight and all I said was, ‘Oh I never knew your arse was that big.’ and she threw me out just like that.

    Just then a third guy, also on his wedding night, comes storming into the lobby.

    “Hey, did you put your foot in it as well?” ask the first two men.

    “No,” says the third guy, “but I f*cking could have.”
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (22-09-21),hazman (22-09-21),Keith (22-09-21),lsemmens (22-09-21),mtv (22-09-21),SS Dave (22-09-21),william10 (22-09-21)

  • Page 550 of 635 FirstFirst ... 50450500540541542543544545546547548549550551552553554555556557558559560600 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •