Thread: The Joke thread - Some jokes may offend, read at own risk. Jokes only, no comments.

  1. #11681
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  2. The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    hazman (18-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),SS Dave (19-06-22),wotnot (18-06-22)



  • #11682
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    I saw a woman crying at ALDI the other day.....

    So I stopped and asked what was wrong? Through the sobs, she said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was missing.

    Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her $50 to try and help a bit.

    It's not something I'd normally do, but I'd just found $2,000 in the car park, so what the hell.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    hazman (18-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),william10 (19-06-22),wotnot (19-06-22)

  • #11683
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default

    Please consider Premium Membership. Without Premium Member contributions Austech cannot operate.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (18-06-22),fred49au (19-06-22),gulliver (18-06-22),hazman (18-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (19-06-22),william10 (19-06-22),wotnot (19-06-22)

  • #11684
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (20-06-22),gulliver (19-06-22),hazman (19-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),william10 (19-06-22),wotnot (19-06-22)

  • #11685
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    5,296
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (19-06-22),fred49au (20-06-22),gulliver (19-06-22),hazman (19-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),william10 (19-06-22)

  • #11686
    Premium Member
    SS Dave's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2010
    Location
    North Canberra
    Age
    63
    Posts
    2,117
    Thanks
    5,296
    Thanked 7,917 Times in 1,280 Posts
    Rep Power
    3335
    Reputation
    154682

    Default

    Death smiles at everyone. Grumpy old men smile back.

  • The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to SS Dave For This Useful Post:

    enf (19-06-22),fred49au (20-06-22),gulliver (19-06-22),hazman (19-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),william10 (19-06-22),wotnot (19-06-22)

  • #11687
    Administrator
    mtv's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Posts
    19,893
    Thanks
    7,508
    Thanked 15,066 Times in 6,761 Posts
    Rep Power
    5647
    Reputation
    239305

    Default

    Please consider Premium Membership. Without Premium Member contributions Austech cannot operate.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to mtv For This Useful Post:

    enf (20-06-22),fred49au (20-06-22),gulliver (20-06-22),hazman (20-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22)

  • #11688
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (20-06-22),gulliver (21-06-22),hazman (20-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22)

  • #11689
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (20-06-22),fred49au (21-06-22),gulliver (20-06-22),Keith (20-06-22),mtv (20-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22)

  • #11690
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-06-22),fred49au (22-06-22),gulliver (21-06-22),Keith (22-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22),wotnot (21-06-22)

  • #11691
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-06-22),fred49au (22-06-22),gulliver (21-06-22),Keith (22-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22),wotnot (21-06-22)

  • #11692
    Premium Member
    hazman's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Lurking at the teakdoor
    Posts
    2,023
    Thanks
    7,349
    Thanked 12,494 Times in 1,800 Posts
    Rep Power
    5260
    Reputation
    249784

    Default


  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to hazman For This Useful Post:

    enf (21-06-22),Keith (22-06-22),NoAIR (21-06-22),OSIRUS (22-06-22),wotnot (21-06-22)

  • #11693
    Junior Member

    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Location
    Manitoba
    Posts
    140
    Thanks
    728
    Thanked 662 Times in 93 Posts
    Rep Power
    320
    Reputation
    13250

    Default

    In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia and said:
    "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.
    Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."
    He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
    "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
    Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
    Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"
    "Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
    "I needed a Building Permit."
    "I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
    about the need for a sprinkler system."
    "My neighbours claim that I've violated the Neighbourhood Bye-Laws by building the Ark in my
    back garden and exceeding the height limitations.
    We had to go to the Local Planning Committee for a decision."
    "Then the Local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money
    for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions,
    to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea.
    I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it."
    "Getting the wood was another problem.
    There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl."
    "I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"
    "When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me to court.
    They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will.
    They argued the accommodations were too restrictive,
    and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."
    "Then the Australian Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
    they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood."
    "I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission
    on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building gang."
    "Immigration are checking the Visa status of most of the people who want to work."
    "The trades unions say I can't use my sons.
    They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience."
    "To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all my assets,
    claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species."
    "So, forgive me, Lord, but it will take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."
    "Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky."
    Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
    "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"
    "No," said the Lord.
    " The Government beat me to it."

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to NoAIR For This Useful Post:

    enf (22-06-22),fred49au (23-06-22),gulliver (23-06-22),hazman (22-06-22),Keith (05-07-22),OSIRUS (25-06-22),SS Dave (22-06-22),william10 (24-06-22),wotnot (27-06-22)

  • #11694
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (23-06-22),gulliver (23-06-22),hazman (23-06-22),Keith (23-06-22),mandc (24-06-22),SS Dave (23-06-22),william10 (24-06-22),wotnot (27-06-22)

  • #11695
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    ammlione (25-06-22),gulliver (25-06-22),hazman (25-06-22),Keith (05-07-22),OSIRUS (25-06-22),SS Dave (27-06-22),Tiny (27-06-22),william10 (30-06-22),wotnot (27-06-22)

  • #11696
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    ammlione (26-06-22),fred49au (27-06-22),gulliver (26-06-22),hazman (26-06-22),Keith (05-07-22),NoAIR (27-06-22),william10 (30-06-22),wotnot (27-06-22)

  • #11697
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    fred49au (28-06-22),gulliver (27-06-22),hazman (27-06-22),Keith (05-07-22),madtech (27-06-22),NoAIR (30-06-22),SS Dave (29-06-22),william10 (30-06-22),wotnot (27-06-22)

  • #11698
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    What's four feet wide, sits at the side of the road and waits for an arsehole to come along?

    A cycle path.
    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (30-06-22),hazman (30-06-22),Keith (05-07-22),NoAIR (30-06-22),william10 (30-06-22)

  • #11699
    Super Moderator
    enf's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2008
    Location
    Canberra
    Age
    70
    Posts
    17,752
    Thanks
    16,817
    Thanked 34,961 Times in 9,058 Posts
    Rep Power
    13677
    Reputation
    644429

    Default

    The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.

  • The Following 5 Users Say Thank You to enf For This Useful Post:

    gulliver (30-06-22),hazman (04-07-22),Keith (05-07-22),SS Dave (01-07-22),william10 (30-06-22)

  • #11700
    Junior Member

    Join Date
    Feb 2020
    Location
    Manitoba
    Posts
    140
    Thanks
    728
    Thanked 662 Times in 93 Posts
    Rep Power
    320
    Reputation
    13250

    Default Virgin Bride on Her 4th Wedding

    Virgin Bride on Her 4th Wedding -

    A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop and told the salesclerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

    "Of course, madam", replied the sales clerk, "Exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"

    The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

    "Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."


    "WELL!" replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, "I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride".


    "You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he had a heart attack due to an unknown congenital condition as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel."


    "My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."


    "What about your third husband?" asked the sales clerk.

    "That one was a Liberal ", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened".

  • The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to NoAIR For This Useful Post:

    ammlione (05-07-22),enf (03-07-22),gulliver (03-07-22),hazman (04-07-22),Keith (05-07-22),shred (03-07-22),william10 (03-07-22)

  • Page 585 of 635 FirstFirst ... 85485535575576577578579580581582583584585586587588589590591592593594595 ... LastLast

    Bookmarks

    Posting Permissions

    • You may not post new threads
    • You may not post replies
    • You may not post attachments
    • You may not edit your posts
    •