Reply With QuoteRead through the reviews of this $2,500 Ethernet cable, you won't regret it!
Dont know whether this has been posted before
Check this out...Sarah Palins biggest fan
Can you spot the Tool with the big Tool????
just a little excited i think
hehehe
Last edited by husky61; 16-08-10 at 10:03 PM.
Read through the reviews of this $2,500 Ethernet cable, you won't regret it!
Definitely a Dog Lovers story………..
Teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students..
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.
'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but
before she could say 'FUC K Off!,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books.............
'Titanic' & 'My Life' by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!
His cool professor gave him an A+ for this report.
Titanic:. ... cost - $29.99
Clinton: ..... cost - $29.99
Titanic: ..... Over 3 hours to read
Clinton:. .... Over 3 hours to read
Titanic: ..... The story of Jack and Rose , their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: ..... The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.
Titanic: ..... Jack is a starving artist.
Clinton: ..... Bill is a bullshit artist.
Titanic: .... In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Bill.
Titanic: ..... During the ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: ..... Ditto for Monica.
Titanic: ..... Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: ...... Let's not go there.
Titanic: ..... Rose gets to keep her jewellery.
Clinton: ... Monica is forced to return her gifts.
Titanic: ..... Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: ..... Clinton doesn't remember Jack____.
Titanic: ..... Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton:. .... Monica...ooh, let's not go there, either.
Titanic: ..... Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: ..... Bill goes home to Hilary - basically the same thing.
Two great white sharks, swimming in the ocean, spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me, son." the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few more times with all of our fins showing." And they did.
"Now we eat everybody." And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first?
"Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied,
"Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
Rubbing his testicles -- something she loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her,
"Why do you love doing that?"
Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
Kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it???
A Kiwi was washed up on a beach after a terrible shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
Looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island. After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sun set.
One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better
and better to the lonely Kiwi.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and.... put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck.
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful woman the man had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when he rescued her
and he slowly nursed her back to health.
When the young maiden was well enough, he introduced her to their evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening.. red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance.
Pretty soon, the Kiwi started to get 'those feelings' again.
He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and realizing he now had the opportunity, leaned over to the young woman cautiously and whispered in her ear,
'Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?'
Japanese Eye Test
If you cannot decipher anything, then try pulling the
corner of your eyes as if you were Japanese. Keep
pulling until your eyes are almost closed...It works.
Last edited by husky61; 18-08-10 at 12:53 AM.
Try this reaction time test.
Have fun
A cowboy rides into a town on a hot blistering day riding his horse with his dog following. He ties his horse and the dog under the shade of a tree. The cowboy goes into the bar for a cold beer.
About 20 minutes later a policeman comes in and asks who owns the dog tied under the tree. The cowboy tells him that its his. The policeman says; "Your dog is in heat".
The cowboy answers; "No way the dogs in heat; he's cool, cause he's tied under the shade of the tree".
The policeman says, "No, you don't understand, your dog needs to be bred".
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "No way the dog needs bread, he's not hungry, I gave him beef jerky this morning".
The policeman finally gets mad and says; "Look, your dog wants to have sex".
The cowboy looks at him and says "Go ahead, I always wanted a police-dog".
Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson, and bragged that despite his 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night. Kylie Minogue, who was also a guest, looked intrigued. After the show, Kyle said, "Sean, if I am not being too forward, I'd love to have sex with an older man. Let's go back to my place."
So they go back to her place and have great sex. Afterwards, Sean says, "If you think that was good, let me sleep for half an hour, and we can have even better sex. But while I'm sleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie looks a bit perplexed, but says, "Okay".
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex. Then Sean says, "Kylie, that was wonderful. But if you let me sleep for an hour, we can have the best sex yet. But again, hold my balls in your left hand, and my dick in your right hand."
Kylie is now used to the routine and complies. The results are mind blowing.
Once it's all over, and the cigarettes are lit, Kylie asks "Sean, tell me, does my holding your balls in my left hand and your dick in my right stimulate you while you're sleeping?"
Sean replies, "No, but the last time I slept with a slut from Melbourne, she stole my wallet."
A young woman boarded a bus while highly pregnant. She was very conscious about people around her. She noticed a young man looking at her and smiling. She felt humiliated and moved to a different seat, which only broadened the man's smile. She moved again, and on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, who called the police, and the man was arrested.
When the case came before the court the judge gave the man the opportunity to defend his rude behavior. He explained his action this way: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing that she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one which read 'Sloans' Liniments Remove Swellings'".
"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read:
'William Stick Did The Trick'. I'm sorry, but I couldn't control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement which read:
'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented this Accident'".
The judge found him not guilty!!!
Some Definitions
ADAMANT - THE VERY FIRST INSECT
AROMATIC - AN AUTOMATIC LONGBOW
AUTOMATIC SHIFT - WHEN THE DRIVER MOVES CLOSER TO HIS GIRLFRIEND
AVAIL - HELPFUL FOR UGLY WOMEN
AWESTRUCK - BEING HIT BY A PADDLE
BACTERIA - A MODERN SELF SERVICE T.A.B.
BADMINTON - THE REASON THE LAMB TASTED OFF
BIGAMIST - A FOG OVER ITALY
BLUNDERBUSS - A COACH WHICH GOES FROM MELBOURNE
TO SYDNEY VIA PERTH
BRASSIERE - SOMETHING TO WARM YOUR HANDS ON
BRUSSELS SPROUTS - A WORLD FAMOUS STATUE FOUND IN THAT
CITY
CLIMATE - THE BEST THING TO DO WITH A LADDER
COPULATE - WHAT AN ITALIAN POLICE CHIEF SAYS TO AN OFFICER WHO DOESN'T GET TO WORK ON TIME
DETEST - THE WEST INDIES PLAYING INDIA
DIAPHRAGMS - TRAMPOLINES FOR DICKHEADS
ENGLISH GENT - ONE WHO GETS OUT OF THE BATH TO URINATE IN THE SINK
FAUCET - WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF THE TAP WON'T TURN
FLOOZIE - A SWEET GIRL WITH THE GIFT OF THE GRAB
GAELIC - AN IRISH LESBIAN
HORIZON - A CALL GIRL GETTING UP IN THE MORNING
HUMBUG - A SINGING COCKROACH
HYACINTH - A YANK GREETING A GAL NAMED CYNTHIA
INCEST - RELATIVELY BORING
INNUENDO - AN ITALIAN SUPPOSITORY
JEWISH DILEMMA - FREE PORK
LACTIC - A GRANDFATHER CLOCK WHICH DOESN'T WORK
MINE SHAFT - WHAT A GERMAN CALLS HIS PENIS
MONOLOGUE - A DISCUSSION BETWEEN MAN AND WIFE
ORGY - GROPE THERAPY
PEDESTRIAN - A MOTORIST WITH TEENAGE SONS
RACIAL DISPUTE - WHEN THE JUDGE CALLS FOR A PHOTO
RED RIDING HOOD - A RUSSIAN CONDOM
SELF DECEPTION - FAKING AN ORGASM DURING MASTURBATION
SITTING PRETTY - SITTING BULLS GAY BROTHER
SONATA - A SONG SUNG BY FRANK
SPECIMEN - AN ITALIAN ASTRONAUT
TEARJERKER - A BLOKE WHO CRIES WHILST MASTURBATING
VICE VERSA - DIRTY POETRY FROM ITALY
VIRGIN - A GIRL WHO WHISPERS SWEET NOTHING DOINGS
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Dont know whether this has been posted..
New Schemes by Govt
Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown in the economy, Congress has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 50 years of age and above on early retirement.
This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).
Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to Congress to be considered for the SHAFT program (Special Help After Forced Termination).
Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired-Early Workers).
A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as Congress deems appropriate.
Persons who have been RAPED could get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).
Obviously persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by Congress.
Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. Congress has always prided themselves on the amount of SHIT they give our citizens.
Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your Congressman, who has been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.
Sincerely,
The Committee for Economic Value of Individual Lives (E.V.I.L.)
PS - - Due to recent budget cuts and the rising cost of electricity, gas and oil, as well as current market conditions, the Light at the End of the Tunnel has been turned off.
An old fella with his accountant in toe steps into the auditors office. The 1st question he is asked is how do u explain all this unacountable income, The old fella replies from gambling, The auditor says no 1 is that good !!
Right the old fella replies I bet u $1000 i can lick my eyeball, the auditor thinks no 1 can do that your on. The old fella pulls out his glass eye and licks it. #### he says ya got me, right eo the old fella replies double or nothing i can bite my other eye, the auditor thinks well he aint blind , your on.With that the old fella pulls out his false teeth and bites his other eye.
#### the auditor replies that's $2000 i'm down in 5 minutes . The old fella says look i'll give ya 1 more chance double or nothing i can piss in ya bin on the other side of the table with out spilling a drop on ya table, The auditor thinks that's impossible your on
With that the old fella undoes his fly and pisses all over the auditors table not a drop in the bin, with that the accountant is sitting there shaking his head as the auditor jumps up all excited you missed the bin and pissed all over the table you lose,
The old fella with a big smile on his face replies I bet my accountant $25000 that i could piss all over ya table and you'd be happy bout it !!!!
SS Dave (19-08-10)
I went to the doctor while I was on holiday in Bangkok
recently, to get my testicles checked out.
While the doc was cupping my dangly bits, she said, "Don't worry, it's
normal to get an erection during this kind of examination."
I said, "I haven't got an erection!"
She replied, "No, but I have!"
Some people need to get their finger out of their arse so that the brain can get some oxygen"
Svenok (19-08-10)
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams..."Don't eat it, Jimmy !...... It's a ####ing arsehole...!!!"
A funny clip from ma and pa kettle about maths.
[ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cydcnQf0usg]YouTube - ma and pa kettle math[/ame]
tagg (19-08-10)
Looks like Labor and Liberal election costing maths to me.....Originally Posted by ATTITUDE
enf
The fact that there's a highway to hell and a stairway to heaven says a lot about the anticipated traffic flow.
In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone
who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take
it out on someone:
I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that
I had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered
nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak
to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I
couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down
Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the
last two digits.
After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still
laying on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and
hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and
put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks when I was
paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him up. He would
answer and I'd yell, "You're a jackass!" It always cheered me up.
Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This
was a real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling
the jackass. Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and
heard his voice. "Hello?"
I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our
new caller ID program." He answered, "No!" and slammed down the
receiver. I quickly called him back and said, "That's because
you're a jackass!"
The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show
you how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 555-1212.
(Keep reading, it gets better.)
One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time
pulling out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever
going to leave. Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly
and she began backing out. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving. All of
a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking
my horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here
first!"
The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to
myself, this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses
in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back
window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for
another place to park.
The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten
off the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a
jackass!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his
number on speed dial.) Then I noticed the phone number of the
guy with the black Camaro and decided to call him too. After a
couple of rings someone answered the phone. I asked, "Are you
the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and
the car is parked right out front."
I asked, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Sure."
"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I
had two jackasses to call whenever I had a bad day. However this
wasn't as much fun as it used to be. So I thought about it and
came up with a solution.
First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely
and I yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.
The jackass said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No!"
He said, "What's your name, pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said, "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro
is parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your
prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.
Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, jackass!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going
to kill my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call
to Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street. After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th
Street to watch the whole thing. Glorious!
I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in
front of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it
off the evening news!
LMFAO
Cheers
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